A Day in the Life of the Fantasy Baseball Playoffs

Note: I have not changed names of league members because I doubt anyone minds. However, if anyone wants their name "redacted," let me know. I do not want to be sued for defamation/slander, IIED, etc. 

September 12, 2012. The day after the 11^th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, news out of Libya that the U.S. ambassador and 2 others were killed in an extremist attack. Season premiere of “Glee” set to debut on Fox. In the USC Law Fantasy Baseball playoffs, however, it’s Day 3 of the Opening Round and things are gloomy in Bobbyland. Facing a similar opponent as his last 2 times in the playoffs (like Lance and Portelli, beat Vikas twice in the regular season, theoretically have tiebreaker, also in the 4-5 matchup), Bobby, like the last 2 times, is trailing in both hitting and pitching categories. On the last 2 occasions, Bobby basically lost on Wednesday (Blanton got lit up, Portelli threw 2 more great starts). Today needs to go differently. It HAS to. Doesn’t help that the Mustachios already have 7 R’s, 5 HR’s, and 13 RBI’s, and a .345 avg to boot. Meanwhile, in the other Goldberg and Clark’s offenses have been anemic; pitching gives Clark slight edge, as well as his higher seed.

8:00AM. Wake up. Had trouble sleeping lamenting why I started Jaime Garcia on Monday, who got rocked. Anxiously head to work.

9:00AM. Get to work. Check Rotoworld. All’s calm.  Need a big day from my 2 scrub $1 pitcher pickups, Travis Wood and Ervin Santana. What have I done?

10:00AM. Notice Goldberg is playing not one, but TWO pitchers at Cincinatti in the same game: A.J. Burnett and Homer Bailey. Does he have a death wish? Playing with fire, especially having started the unknown Samuel Deduno. Summoned to go to Glendale Superior Court. Unlike other bus stops in the LA Superior Court system not named Stanley Mosk, Glendale is……presentable.

1:00PM. Phillies-Marlins in full swing. Clark got a gem of a game from Kershaw Tuesday night, but the “new-look” Dodgers keep putting up scores like Boulean Code (101111010100……) and lose 1-0. A non-zero chance that Dodger fan Daniel Goldberg had something to do with that. Btw, is it me or does anyone else get these Goldberg & Glass updates?

3:00PM. Jimmy Rollins confirms my love for him by hitting a 2-run jack, putting the Phils up 3-1 and functionally giving Cliff (“Clifford” Lee, as Clark informs me through text) and Clark a much-needed win. Advantage, Clark. Did I mention that I beat Goldberg just enough to allow Clark to face Goldberg this week instead of take the brunt of the Mustachio onslaught? You’re welcome.

4:00PM. Evening main course begins. Box score and scoreboard watching commences; impossible to focus on work; Clark apparently can, because he forgets to insert Alex Cobb into lineup (apparently not learning from last year’s Josh Collmenter-Iphone choke/fiasco). Cobb immediately gives up 2 runs and multiple hits in the first inning and takes Clark off the hook. Goldberg gets a much needed home run from Granderson (where has he been?) early.

5:00PM. Last hour of work; completely a mess now and totally just watching baseball on my computer; Travis Wood pitching for Cubs against the hapless Astros. David Wright actually heads my instructions and converts to “Beast Mode,” stealing 2 bases. Mets still don’t score any runs though. A.J. Burnett and Homer Bailey amazingly both pitch well for Goldberg. Clark counters with Ryan Dempster vs. easy prey Indians. If there’s any justice in this world, Dempster will pitch better against the Tribe than Samuel Deduno.

6:00PM. Really getting my jollies when Robbie Cano homers, then David Murphy, Michael Young, Nori Aoki, and Alfonso Soriano (all $1 guys from the wire) all pick up consecutive hits, boom, boom boom, boom. Soriano, who has the quietest 29 HR’s and 97 RBI’s in the league, goes deep and I’m feeling good. That feeling is instantly doused when Rickie Weeks hits a 2-run jack. I soberly drive down to Angel Stadium.

7:00PM. I arrive at Angel Stadium and meet my enemy…..Vikas, of the Dastardly Mustachios. On past occasions he’s talked about how “dominant” he was last season and how “maybe he should just everyone else a chance this year because he kicked so much ass last year.” Barf. The good news is, I’m starting Ervin Santana and watching the Angels, one of the rare occasions I can wholeheartedly, enthusiastically cheer for my favorite team AND my fantasy team at the same time. The stars align.

8:00PM. The bad news is, the Angels are sucking. It’s not Santana’s fault; with 2 out and a runner on 2^nd in the first a slow hopper goes to SS Erick Aybar and he promptly boots it, leading to a run. The Angels are also allergic to hitting tonight due to a masterful performance by something named “A.J. Griffin.” Meanwhile, Vikas is busy on his Iphone, where he’s reporting what’s happening in our fantasy matchup with glee. No, Vikas, it’s not subtle when you state “oop, something good happened for me in the Chicago-Detroit game!” No, it’s not comforting when you state, “Prince Fielder just hit a 3-run jack. But hey, Angel Pagan isn’t playing for me.” Yes, it is a big deal when you have 21 RBI’s in the first 3 games on pace for 47 for the week. Apparently Vikas’s players aren’t the only ones doing damage in Chicago, as Kevin Youkilis connects for 2 HR’s and 4RBI’s for Clark, but is countered by Granderson’s 2^nd home run and Billy Butler’s 3-RBI effort. Goldberg also seems to take a sizable lead in Saves when Papa Grande Valverde converts a rocky 9^th inning.

9:00PM. Santana pitches well but will leave with a 2-0 deficit after 6 innings. Travis Wood + Ervin Santana, my 2 waiver wire adds, combine for 13 2/3 innings, 2 ER, 12 K’s, and a W. Possibly saves my season. Unfortunately, tonight will probably deplete the Halos’ season, as they’re in danger of being shut out. Meanwhile, Vikas announces, “whelp, that’s the end of the fantasy day for me! I only got 8 R’s, 3 HR’s, and 8 RBI’s. Damn.” I let out an audible groan and yell at Vernon Wells for being an expensive excuse for an outfielder. There’s about a Airport-size hole on the right side of the infield to hit through with a man on first and the Angels down 4-0 he refuses every time to hit there, flying out softly to left. Douche. Bag.

10:00PM. Can’t believe Jason Isringhausen is still alive. Less able to believe Mike Scoscia’s bringing him in in a crucial game. 4-0 A’s. We head for the exits, mercifully.

10:15PM. As we are leaving the stadium a crack of the bat is heard followed by loud cheering and fireworks. Seems like “El Hombre” has left the yard after hitting a meaningless home run making it 4-1. The guy is pure mercenary; he never comes up big and has massive Sammy Sosa Syndrome: only hits home runs when up by at least 6 or down by at least 5. Goldberg and Clark are tied 5-5 with all offensive categories extremely close; Clark with a slight lead in starting pitching but an army of pitchers for both teams still left to go, especially Hombre’s aces Price and Hamels. That matchup will be decided this weekend. Vikas is visibly happy; everyone on his team has at least 1 run scored this week, everyone except Kemp has 1 RBI. I walk out knowing I’m still down 7-3 and definitely on the ropes, but with a glimmer of hope: Jered Weaver is pitching tomorrow. One can always hope, right?

Fantasize on,

Robert Yan 

What Can Go Wrong Making a Court Appearance

Part of being a litigator (or any attorney, for that matter) is making court appearances. There are a lot of variables in making these court appearances; there's a lot that can go wrong. Here are a list of things I may or may not have done (hint: have done)  while in law school (worked for a superior law judge) and as an attorney that new attorneys can learn from and watch out for in making court appearances.



1.) Always carry extra ties. Never run out of those.

2.) Get your attire ready the day before, especially if you normally wear "casual clothing." It takes more time to get ready for a court appearance day.

3.) Carry extra copies of business cards with you. Put'em in your briefcase, your folders, your pockets, etc.

4.) Most court dates are 8:30AM, meaning you'll be in rush hour traffic, and probably heading somewhere centrally located, like a downtown or a business district. Sucks for you; leave early.

5.) Some attorneys may try to cheat and "time the appearance" by showing up 10 minutes later or something because judges don't often start exactly at 8:30AM, but some judges do, and you don't want to risk it. To pass the time, bring extra work, or something else to occupy your time, but get there before the time you're scheduled to.

6.) Know where the Courtroom is if you're in a big building. It might take some time to get to that building from the entrance. Case in point: L.A. Superior Court, Stanley Mosk Courthouse. 10 floors, slow elevators. Security line to get in is long.

7.) Know if opposing counsel is coming. Be on the lookout for him/her in case you need to exchange documents/have conversations.

8.) check in with the court clerk. As long as court clerk knows you're there, they'll try to get you in, let you go to the bathroom, etc.

9.) Be ready to say "your honor." When I was a law student I addressed the judge without saying it and was reprimanded. I haven't made that mistake again.

10.) Have all papers ready/bring the entire file.This needs to be done the previous afternoon when you get off work unless you want to come in EARLY the next morning. Never know what you might need. Put the most likely-brought up issues on top.

11.) Bring a pen. Write down everything judge says when he/she discusses your case.

12.) Bring other filings that you might want to file in the same courthouse to avoid duplicate trips or getting "runners" to do it.

13.) PARKING- parking probably deserves its own post. Park as close as you to the courthouse.

14.) Get unmetered parking- that you can stay for the whole day for.

15.) If forced to get metered parking, get the whole amount (2 hours max, get the 2 hours). You never know how long the judge's calendar is, so don't assume you'll get out at 9:30 or 10; just get the whole amount, saves you from a lot of problems if the judge doesn't get to your case in time.

16.) Let someone from your office know you're going to court- in case you're needed, or you need someone to bring something to the court that you forgot....at least you get a partner in crime.

17.) Know that it's not the end of the world if you miss a court appearance. It's not professional, it's not good, and definitely don't miss it. But if you do, you have an opportunity to show cause as to why you missed it and call the court to fix anything that is needed. But seriously, don't do it. Not even I've done that.


Fantasize on,

Robert Yan

Mondays

Being that it's.....Monday, here's some facts about Mondays:

1.) Waking up on Mondays is about 2.5 times tougher than on any other day. 

2.) Morning commutes on non-holiday Mondays are always bad. 

3.) The Monday after a holiday Monday is the toughest kind of Monday. 

4.) Monday mornings go by faster at work. 

5.) Some attorneys wait specifically until Monday from the weekend. 

6.) NFL fans everywhere overreact tremendously about their teams on Monday. 

7.) college football fans everywhere overreact tremendously about their teams on Monday. 

8.) People work less on Mondays than any other day except Saturday and Sunday. Just in 2012 alone, here are the Mondays that were federal holidays: 1.) New Year's Day, 2.) MLK Day, Washington's Birthday, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Columbus Day (o thank god that's coming up), and Veteran's Day. 

9.) More suicides committed on Mondays than Sundays- can't state definitely the reason for this, but the way Mondays go sometimes, I can understand. One possible reason: As the unofficially recognized "first day of the week" the realization that one's life will continue indefinitely in a downward spiral and that the cycle is starting all over again may cause unstable individuals to end the pain. Can't say I approve. 

10.) More complaints probably written on Mondays, after a long weekend of things to complain about, like cancelled events, bad customer service, referees messing up games, bills that come in on Monday......It's a big day of complaining. 

Fantasize on, 

Robert Yan 

How to Write a Fantasy Preview Post

I'm in a bunch of fantasy football/baseball/basketball leagues every year, and I'm usually one of the most active members; I talk smack about other teams, I make roster moves, I discuss trades with other managers. However, the one thing that I find really excites a league and makes it more competitive/aggressive/cutthroat is the addition of what I like to call the "Inflammatory Fantasy Preview." I post one to most leagues I'm in to familiarize who the league members are, what each team's team names are, which players are on which team, etc. More importantly, I analyze each team, breaking down weaknesses, strengths, needs, and managerial prowess. This is all pretty standard, kind of like ESPN "experts" breaking down teams at the beginning of each season. MOST IMPORTANTLY, though, the Inflammatory Fantasy Preview must be inflammatory and go into personal attacks, have witty humor, and include various aspects that typical expert analysis could never get into. Here's how to write the best kind of Fantasy Preview Post for each league.

1.) Begin by identifying what personalities each of your managers in your fantasy league are. This is probably a lot tougher in a public league where you don't know anyone, so best advice is to KNOW EVERYONE! Join fantasy leagues with your friends. It bonds people, plus you know them and their weaknesses and embarrassing stories. Get as much information as possible. This includes name, age, marital status, location, college (big to talk about rivalry games), hobbies, interests, most embarrassing moments, political affiliation, almost anything is fair game (don't go into family and deep, dark personal issues). Usually positive things or "funny embarrassing" things, not things that will create discord. Use your best judgment.

2.) Take mental notes each time a fantasy manager states something, in person in writing, whatever. If it's actually posted in the fantasy league site, it's basically public knowledge and has been "judicially noticed," so it's recorded for you to look back on anyway. If said to you personally, record it in your mental memory bank.

3.) Know sports. Easy way to make fun of players on other people's teams is to know their weaknesses, such as Bartolo "Big Fat" Colon or Doug "The Muscle Hamster" Martin. That way, you can show that you know what you're talking about as well as use funny nicknames for players.

4.) Use some sort of theme. Doesn't have to happen every time, but use of themes and giving every manager in the league a "personality" is always good. For example, I used a Mario Kart theme to show that one team is "short but quick," like Toad, and one team is like Bowser in that it has a lot of power, but gets out of the gate slowly. Not only will you get credit for your league for evincing nostalgic memories of childhood (and for some, still-played) video games, it gives you a chance to make fun of times indirectly. Other themes I've used (should be pretty well-known): The Wire, Game of Thrones, Star Wars, Halloween "what kind of monster would your team be?"

5.) Go for the cheap joke. If you have writer's block, Don't be afraid to just name-call, tease, call someone a drunkard. As long as the rest of your post is primarily based on facts, the cheap laugh is a nice way to finish up analysis of a certain team. Stuff like "if losses meant consuming bottles of alcohol, this team would never be sober." That way, you conclude your analysis of how bad that team is, and you finish with an analogy, adding some variety, some diversity, to the post.

6.) Give people nicknames. Some will stick, some won't stick. This could be based on actual name, team name, etc. In one fantasy football team a caucasian manager named Daniel has gone by "White Dan" for going on three seasons.

7.) Use the information from No. 1 and No. 2 relentlessly. In case of No. 2, post 3 months later what that manager said with information that completely contradicts that statement, showing how absolutely wrong they are, followed up by a non-subtle "That is why X manager is great at prognisticating," etc., etc. In the case of using No. 1, don't cross the line, but relentless insults about a manager's fantasy skills are never off limits, nor are the performance of their favorite actual sports teams. Hammer it.

8.) When in doubt, cut it out. I have verbal diarrhea, so I have no problem typing as much as I want articulating the own thoughts in my head. However, sometimes I realize certain sentences are just extraneous, and I do the reader a favor by cutting it out. People, after all, have better things to do than read analysis of teams in a virtual-reality universe.


9.) To switch it up mid-post, do a poem (with rhymes) or talk in the 3rd person, or evoke ancient history. Do something to make each analysis of a team different than the other. Some will fail, but some be met with great accolades and stick for a very long time. A "lottery pick," if you will, except without the $13 million rookie contract.


10.) Do a "Power Rankings" once in a while, and purposely rank one team egregiously lower than it should be. (Usually someone who will react aggressively). This particular manager will likely react with posts highlighting the "ridiculousness" of the power rankings, the utter lack of responsibility, etc. At this point there is a lively discussion about at least that particularly egregious ranking, as well as top teams debating whether they are the "top team." Gets the juices flowing, in a sense.

Ultimately, the goal is to have fun with it, and whatever your league responds well to is probably the right course. Some leagues will just not have it, but give every league a chance. You never know what an Inflammatory Fantasy Preview will do.

Fantasize on,

Robert Yan

10 Sure Signs It's NFL Week 1

1.) People are hung over from Labor Day weekend, whining that summer is over, kids are back in school, and two-thirds of the year is over. It's Football (and Fantasy Football season).

2.) You find yourself "balancing" between managing your fantasy baseball playoffs (probably much more important in terms of you having spent 6 months devoted it to it, especially if you've made it to the playoffs) and your Fantasy Football draft, which is also important because that determines half of what your season is going to be like. Or Option b) You've had a lousy fantasy baseball season and are eager to start afresh with the football season and swear off baseball forever.

3.) There's also a lot of College Football talk, including discussion of "Who's the No. 1 team?" The answer in 2012 is the University of Southern California Trojans. Any other questions?

4.) You scan the Preseason prop bet odds (like "Indianapolis Colts win their Division, 25 to 1) or ("Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl, 1 million to 1) and SWEAR you'd make a killing in Vegas if you could just get action on those bets.

5.) The previous year's Super Bowl winner hosts a "Homecoming team" (Giants v. Cowboys) and wins its first game (the Super Bowl team has won the matchup eight straight years) on a random Thursday night (this year it's Wednesday night), prompting unfair discussion of whether the NFL kickoff weekend starts on the Wednesday or on Sunday. (My answer is Sunday, because NFL is all about Sundays, Sundays, Sundays. Not Wednesday nights. That's for like reruns of NCIS).

6.) HBO's miniseries "Hard Knocks" comes to a close detailing the preseason of an NFL team, going out with a whimper after starting with great momentum due to NFL lovers' desire for ANYTHING that resembles football after 7 months of nothing. This year's Hard Knocks was really unfortunate due to the lack of star power in the Dolphins clubhouse, non-charismatic coach(es), and unexciting quarterback battle.

7.) Smack talk is commenced, rivalries are revisited, champions from yesteryear are reminded of in Fantasy Football league message boards. Hope abounds for one and all, even the most unskilled of managers.

8.) Diva WR's or RB's make wild prognistications about their future performance in the coming year with no baseline or rationality, to the tune of such things as "100 catches for 1,500 yards" or "2000 all-purpose yards," and the like, not factoring in the 100% likelihood of injury during the season, lesser but still-present likelihood of suspension, and finally cold, hard facts that those type of achievements happen for ONE player in the entire NFL each year.

9.) Sports bars across America get ready to fill up on Sunday mornings/afternoons with fans wearing their respective teams' jerseys. 6 hours of alcohol, yelling, and celebratory dances later, America tries to recover from its collective football hangover on Sunday night in time for work on Monday morning.

10.) The whole nation holds their breath as they eagerly anticipate the rallying cry of what is in modern day truly America's game: "Are You Ready for Some Footbaaaaaaaaall??????????"


Fantasize on,

Robert Yan

Sneaky Things that Normally Don't Get Noticed But I Feel Thankful About

This past Labor Day weekend I visited my buddy in Denver, Colorado. Great time, great experience, great city. But could have went so, so wrong at various points.

1.) Flight was at 6:00AM Friday. Woke up on my buddy's couch at 6:45AM. Oops. Sneaky thankful thing: Had set my alarm for 4:30PM, not 4:30AM, so technically could have woken up even LATER, compromising my chance of getting out at all.


2.) Just barely missing a huge chunk of traffic. This could be because you randomly took Route B instead of Route A to work or when there was a vehicle accident occurring right after you that blocked the road. Whatever it is, realized later on that I just missed getting stopped for a solid $15 minutes.

3.) Pulling into the LAX airport parking lot and just going straight through with the thought, "Who knows, maybe my plane hasn't left yet?" (Folly, Southwest Airlines almost always leave on time in my experience). At last second decided to get out of the parking lot (woulda cost me $30 a day for 3 days) and going to the outside lot (cost $12 a day). $54 decision right there.

4.) Signing up for the next flight to Denver early, getting pulled off of stand-by at the last second after "waiting for a passenger to show up," being the last passenger admitted onto the flight. Absolute luck. Kinda lame, but it's a rush getting on a plane at last second and flying out while 5 minutes ago you didn't know when you would be leaving, if at all.

5.) Selected Saturday night's Rockies game instead of Friday night's at Coor's Field. Result: Saw my first live  Grand Slam, courtesy of one Dexter Fowler.

6.) Went mountain biking and did NOT crash and burn. A minor miracle.

7.) Went to the shooting range, fired a gun and did NOT shoot my eye out. It's an "interesting" feeling, holding a live gun and then firing. Can't say I feel rather confident, and certainly out of the 25 bullets I fired or so none of them went where I wanted them to.

8.) Avoided rain, snow, and any kind of adverse weather conditions the whole weekend in Colorado.

9.) Was NOT subjected to eating Rocky Mountain Oysters. Heard it was a delicacy in Denver, I'll pass.

10.) Making it back to LA in time for the wedding of my co-worker.  Chalk that up as No. 3 on Bobby's weddings. I've sort of worked into a groove for these weddings; they can be really fun. Glad I was NOT asked to leave after my brave and alcohol-induced but ultimately unwatchable performance on the dance floor. Sigh.

Fantasize on,

Robert Yan

Munchkin

Never did a post on Munchkin before, and since it’s become the cool thing to do at our workplace.

In short, if you’ve never played “Munchkin,” you’re missing out on a BLAST. It’s a game based purely on cards and very synonymous with a role-playing game like World of Warcraft or “Diablo,” where you assume the identify of a character (you start Human, then you can become Dwarf, Elf, Orc, etc.) and class (Wizard, Warrior, Thief, Cleric) and go around picking up items that help you fight Monsters big and small. (Sound familiar? That’s because it is). The twist is, instead of fighting mosnters exclusively on your own, you’re playing against OTHER PLAYERS, and you have to beat enough monsters, etc. to get to level 10 before the other guys.

Great game. Lots of fun, lots of collaboration, lots of screwing over. And that’s the thing with “games………a lot of the time, they just give you a chance to get around, socialize, not feel like you’re a rat in a maze. And Munchkin plays off of that: It has silly little cards with silly little pictures that make fun of the “serious role playing games” like Dungeons and Dragons by inserting cards like the “Stoned Golem” (Yes, that kind of stoned, you can get past it just by waving), the “Snails on Speed,” and my favorite, the “of Doom!” card: gives any weapon a further +2 bonus because it is now the “Whatever” of Doom!

Favorite cards and how much I would pay for them if in real life.  

1.)    Loaded Die: Play after you roll the die, for any reason. “Turn the die so the number of your choice is on top. That’s your roll.” Of very practicable use at various casino games. Craps comes to mind instantly. Usable only once, but you can make a LOT of money off of that one roll. Price: $300.

2.)    Wand of Dousing: “Go through the discards to find any one card you want. Take that card and Discard this one.” Imagine being to just go back in your life and take one image, one experience, and replace it with something that you’re doing now, like sitting at work. O would I use the Wand of Dousing but good. (I’m starting to use this phrase “but good” a lot).  Price: $200.

3.)    Really Impressive Title: (+3 bonus). Have a “kind of impressive but kinda just means you’re sleezy” title of “Esquire. Not sure it’s a +3 bonus but at least I can practice law and make a living. And it’s for life, no one can take it away from you. Price: $500.

4.)    Coat of Arms: Gives the wearer two extra hands to carry items with. Great to get through the daily grind, play dodgeball. Not a perfect machine, I’d rather have an invention that gave you more TIME, not more appendages. But I can’t complain, I suppose. Price: $100.

5.)    Hireling; Allows you to carry and use one extra item, and a +1 Bonus. You may discard your Hireling for an automatic escape from any monster.

Kind of tainted by allusions to slavery, but how helpful would a great helper be to clear up your daily schedule? And when you screw up, you can always just throw that person under the bus as a “Get Out of Jail Free card?” money. Price: $700.

6.)    Transferral Potion: Any other player (your choice) fights the monster(s), may ask for help normally. Imagine sitting at work having a pile of work to do, then realizing you can just pass it off on someone else and you go and just nap for the day. Lots of value, lots of value!!!! (note: I’m pretty sure a lot of bosses throughout the world have and use transferal potions all the time. It’s called “delegating.”) Price: $200.

7.)    Divine Intervention: All Clerics immediately go up a level. This can be the winning level. Price: priceless. I think the most important item that you can use, and in munchkin actually it’s one of the most valuable cards in that it lets you go to level 10 without fighting a monster. I’m in the camp of we each control less things that we can, that fate decides a lot of what happens to us, like how traffic is going to be like, what the weather is going to be, who your parents are, how many points Jamaal Charles scores for your fantasy football team on any given day, how smart you are, so the most important factor in leading your life IS really luck, or “divine intervention.” Can’t put a price on that.

Fantasize on,

Robert Yan