Parental anxiety

There's a scene in Game of Thrones, the wildly popular HBO series from 2011-2019 (seems like a lifetime ago) that I understand much more deeply than I did before I had Baby Girl Yan. Sandor Clegane, the Hound, and Arya stark stop at a small house on their way to their next destination and meet a father and his young daughter, who are just getting by before the winter gets there, trying to make ends meet. The Hound steals the man's gold and leaves them to die, and then several months later Clegane comes back to the same house and finds that the father killed both his daughter and himself because they were starving. In a series of horrific ways to die, betrayals, heartbreak, this was one of the most devastating scenes because that father and daughter represented the common people and in a way reflected us, if the high lords and ladies of Westeros are like today's political leaders or celebrities who get to make decisions from power positions, commoners like me would have to struggle in a world of chaos and some of the worst parts of humanity. If you watched Game of Thrones from that lens, that of a common people suffering while kings and queens fought for power, you might see it as commentary that all the so-called important people fight their trivial people at the expense of so many millions of others who don't get that oppoortunity. Above all, though, I do feel parental anxiety about the fate of the world and what will happen in Baby Girl Yan's lifetime. Parental anxiety is a real thing: some parents suffer from overwhelming stress worrying that they are not doing enough for their children, having sleep issues and inability to relax. I can still sleep well and look on the bright side of things, but I fear that the best the earth had to offer has already come and gone, that what is coming up is a backlash to all the excess and indulgent living the richest people put the world though for the last few decades, and now like Game of Thrones winter is coming, making life difficult for all of us. I don't anticipate it to be a situation where we're starving to death, it shouldn't be that bad, but it pains me to think how I'd feel in that position, that I as a parent couldn't provide a good life for my baby. It really has kept me up thinking about it, these worst-case scenarios that seem to pop up pretty regularly in the media like post-apocalyptic films and youtube videos warning us of the emergence of AI. If only I as a parent could transport my child back to the times when I grew up and give them everything they need based on what I know I went though, that would make parenting a lot easier but also reassuring because I know the earth survived through my younger years, even thrived. What's coming ahead of us, though is like a blank slate, but what I do know is a lot of the things I grew up with, Baby Girl Yan won't need anymore, and thus I can't help as much. I guess this is the transition from just a few years ago of me just caring about myself and plan what I want to do for the foreseeable future, to becoming a parent and thinking ahead to what I have to do for the baby, what's best for her, how do I fit that into my schedule. It's really a big life step; I hope I do better than Sandor Clegane.

Fear of Lightning

All the trivia in the world doesn't really help much if I get struck by lightning, so I have to do a better job of staying indoors when there's a thunderstorm going on, and not whistling past the graveyard and continuing to run while hearing thunder in the distance. And sometimes it's not even in the distance: there's apparently a 30/30/30 rule of lightning, is if you hear thunder within 30 seconds of seeing lightning, it's not safe to be outside, and wait 30 minutes until after the lightning has dissipated before going outside. Especially in the summer, there's more warm air on the ground that rises up in the atmosphere causing thunderstorms, so lightning is sure to follow. Just another obstacle for running the summer if you don't live in a consistently balmy temperature area like Southern California: sometimes it gets to high 90s to 100 temperatures, it's humid, the sun is beating down on you during the day so you have to wait all the way until 8:30PM or whenever sunset is for you (in some places like Alaska there IS no sunset), and then when the rain finally comes it's usually in the form of thunderstorms that prevent running as well. And yes, apparently staying in your car is safe in case of thunderstorms as lightning will just hit the top metal portion of your car, dispersing the electric charge so that it doesn't affect you, as your car acts as a Farraday cage. Thanks science! Still, lightning but even more so thunder still scare me a little bit (especially when I'm outside) and they'll likely scare Baby Girl Yan as she's growing up, so gotta get the explanation ready to calm her down. Maybe I'll see it's the sky getting mad at her for not following her dad's instructions? Gotta spin it in my favor somehow. Solid foods are the next obstacle Baby Girl Yan is clearing: she's starting on them and likes the sweet potato version, but she spits a lot out because she doesn't know how to eat yet besides sucking on a nipple. It's incredible seeing a baby grow up day by day, such rapid progress compared to adults who have pretty much crystallized who they're going to be and nothing is suprising; babies can just one day start to crawl and move on their own on the ground, which is satisfying but also terrifying at the same time as now they can go anywhere. For any potential parents who are deciding whether to start a family or not, there are tons of things to be wary of that my pre-parent self was not prepared for, like just the sheer constant grind of being a parent, always having to be there, new things you have to watch out for each month as baby starts developing new areas, but there are other POSITIVE things I wasn't ready for neither, like how good it feels to have a baby see you, acknowledge you, and smile happily. Baby might start crying a minute later, she's moody, but for that minute before when she's smiling, it's one of the best feelings in the world. I hope all parents at least get that; her smiles have gotten me through some difficult times this year, and they're a good distraction in case MJ is upset at me. No one can say no to Baby Girl Yan smiling.

Post-Anesthesia Care Unit

A clue in Jeopardy came up the other day about PACU (post-anesthesia care unit) but more commonly known as the recovery room, where patients wake up after recovering from surgery. I actually haven't been in this room per se, at least to my knowledge. My mom's various surgeries were all done without me, or I was at the hospital but was waiting in the reception area, not in the recovery room itself, just on call to go back into the recovery room. I've never had that movie moment of being there at that exact moment when a loved one wakes up, which has a lot of importance because it shows you were there waiting the whole time, and the patient is waking up realizing they survived surgery. When MJ did a C-section to deliver Baby Girl Yan (Thanks!) she had an epidural that localized the anesthesia so that she didn't feel anything to her stomach, but she was able to stay awake, and pretty much met the baby at the same time I did. I did see baby first though in her first few minutes in this world, so maybe I was there for baby's recovery room experience? The whole birthing experience still resonates strongly in my memory banks, luckily even more than my Jeopardy experience, which felt like it was over in a flash. Baby delivery was also kind of a flash, although I didn't feel much pressure, I was more a spectator watching MJ do one of the most seminal moments of our lives. I hope to never have to be in another PACU for a loved one, but as with most health-related issues, you never know. If I were to have surgery,I wouldn't insist on having any loved ones in the room, but the knowledge of their presence nearby would be enough. Also I can only imagine waking up after surgery would be groggy, wondering what happened, confusion, and probably some pain or discomfort at whatever area was operated on, I can understand why patients want a familiar face in the room as a sort of "constant" (idea from Lost TV series, which apparently has a cult among younger generation who didn't know what it was. I'm getting good practice now as to what I'd do if I did have to experience a lengthy hospital stay: not the staying in bed part, but being confined in one room, with TV, not getting out much. Right now it's not just having a baby keeping me at home, but also the extreme heat: I would hate to be playing soccer even in the World Cup when outdoor temps are high 90s. These World Cup fans are pretty dedicated to the cause. I think long hospital stays would be the best friend of Netflix, Peacock, and all the streaming services. I could stream many many episodes of Jeopardy of course, but this week I watched Roofman (cool story with Channing Tatum based on a real "Roofman" who robbed McDonalds restaurants) and Sheep Detectives, and maybe my senses were dulled from only studying trivia and not watching a real movie, but I thoroughly enjoyed both and kept me sane through the whole not-going-outside thing. Mike and Molly is also my new "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" comedy show I watch bits of, set in Chicago and Melissa McCarthy in a role she's not just off the walls like you imagine her in Bridesmaids or Identity Thief. Did you know she's Jenny McCarthy's cousin?

90s TV shows

The more trivia I learn, I realize how much of kids culture I missed growing up in the 90s. I came to the U.S. at the end of 1991, so I may have missed out on a couple years already, but I wish I was more in tune with some of the most popular shows back then, a time when we only had 7 channels to choose from, you had to sit through commercials, and if you weren't watching TV at the time your show came on, you missed it! No do-overs, no streaming, it was just gone. No wonder I didn't get into Jeopardy when I was a kid, I think it came on at 4PM in the Chicagoland area, a little too early for me to catch getting home from school. Instead my grandpa would allow me to watch a TV show in the morning after eating breakfast and doing sit-ups (I distinctly remember him holding my feet and me holding his feet so we would get leverage on our sit-ups) and allowed me one precious half-hour show when I got home from school. The problem was, he didn't know what was educational or not, so it was just cartoons and not great cartoons at that: Power Rangers, Spiderman, X-men, Looney Tunes.....normal shows as a kid, but not the sweet educational programming that would have instilled some long-term memories about history or educational facts. Instead I can quote lines from the Transformers spin-off series "Beast Wars" or name all of the Insidious Six villains from the Spiderman series. I didn't ever watch Sesame Street, a huge loss as that's a big chunk of Jeopardy canon, and then the Yan family didn't have cable so we didn't get those cool-sounding shows like "Legends of the Hidden Temple" on Nickolodeon or "Wishbone" on PBS, a Jack Russell Terrier who went over famous plots in literature in a kid-friendly way. Watching LeVar Burton on Trivial Pursuit now, I wonder how fun it would have been to watch Reading Rainbow, or catch the pure insanity of the Ren & Stimpy Show, or have indelible memories with Miss Frizzle on the Magic School Bus. I also miss my grandpa. In America nowadays we are spoiled: spoiled with too many conveniences, too much food in our portions, spoiled for too much choice in what we watch. I've struck up a good relationship with my neighborhood Subway "sandwichmakers" downstairs from our apartment complex: they are there all the time from 8AM in the morning until 9PM at night, same 3 guys rotating shifts, always friendly and ready for chitchat. They have kids, don't have big dreams but enjoy being in America for all the opportunities it affords.....still. When my parents came I think there was huge divergence between developing countries and the most powerful country in the world, and back then China was considered a "developing country." Now the gap has shrunk for sure especially with the internet and AI, but still there are thousands of people every year coming to America to enjoy what America has, even if it's just being a sandwichmaker at a local Subway store, it's a solid living that allows consistent work, at least 3 times a day (breakfast, lunch, and dinner). I look at my goals that keep scaling up on the hedonic treadmill: have a job, buy a house, own cars.....be on Jeopardy, try to play Jeopardy again......all first world problems that I enjoy in the comfort of my home with AC on a hot summer day able to make my sparkling water as cold as possible when I drink it and travel to pretty much anywhere I want using my car or local airport. It's a great life, and sometimes I need to talk to those around me to realize me, whether it's the Subway guys, the barber I see all the time, everyone on the bus going home from work....there are tons of people just living life and not needing to be influencers or make it rich or ask too much of life.....sometimes it's just good to enjoy it. And put on some Reading Rainbow to learn some new facts.

If You Seek a Pleasant Peninsula, Look about you

The other book I'm juggling along with reading the Bible book is a National Geographic guide called "50 states: 5000 facts" (these are the kind of books you read if you're a trivia nerd, so brace yourselves anyone who's preparing to be on Jeopardy). It highlights all the best parts of each state with awesome high-def pictures that make me wonder what it'd be like to live in each of those states, a feeling that happens pretty often this time of year when summer is in full swing and the world seems full of possiblities, and it feels like the rest of the world is out and about doing fun activities while I'm stuck at home, albeit for a good reason this year which is taking care of Baby Girl Yan. The motto of Michigan is highlighted above, but I actually prefer the more condensed motto that fits on a license plate, "Great Lakes." That's kind of the appeal for me of living in Michigan, it's surrounded on 3 sides by lakes and it has a huge city with nice college towns. Maybe it's just the name, but I always felt an appeal of Ann Arbor with the mystique of college football, the distinctive yellow/maize colors, and of course the Big House. One of my bosses once remarked that she had a vacation home in Michigan she was heading towards, and my mind just went, "I would like to go to there." (A Liz Lemon quote from 30 Rock) Never mind that I have no connection to Michigan, no just one high school friend who ended up living there, and never visited except for an age 7 visit to Holland to see the Dutch windmills. It's probably a case of the imagined place being better than the reality, something that explains why Americans LOVE to talk about going to Japan. I've been to Japan twice.....it's fine, it's a different culture than America for sure, but it has an outsized attraction for American tourists.) Anyway, I've only experienced Michigan through movies and TV (watched Home Improvement as a kid, watched the post-apocalyptic TV series Station Eleven, watched "the Five-year Engagement," random Emily Blunt and Jason Segal movie, and oh yea I have stopped at the Detroit Airport (DTW) several times on connecting flights. Michigan ites are called "Yoopers," Battle Creek is called "Cereal City" because it's home to Kellogg, there's a class called "Surivving the Coming Zombie Apocalypse" at Michigan State University. These are the type of fun facts this book has. 129 lighthouses along the shores of Michigan, most in the country......that's a fun fact because the top 2 states with the largest coastlines are Alaska and Florida, but I guess they don't need as many lighthouses. Something about lighthouses gives me the romatntic idea of a cold autumn night drifting in the lake with waves splashing into the rocks. It's an aesthetic that's hard to replicate, and kudos for the people to who built lighthouses, they're a practical innovation but also probably even more valuable for adding to the skyline and ocean scenery: whenever MJ and I go on a roadtrip and I spot a lighthouse, I get excited and want to visit. It usually turns out to be closed and can't go in, but it's the connection between land and the great blue beyond. It especially appeals to the introvert in me to imagine living in a lighthouse, reading books like "Moby Dick" or watch "Manchester by the Sea" while getting away from people. Maybe in a different life, I'm a fisherman working in Lake Huron who operates a boat and have a golden retriever waiting at home, turn on Detroit Tigers games on the radio. I guess that's what these National Geographic books are good for, not just learning fun facts but imagining yourself in a different life.

Children's Illustrated Bible

I read a lot of books when I was a child, but I never got around to the most printed and best-selling book of all time, the Good Book, the Bible. Probably a good thing too because from what I've read even the condensed version is difficult to get through, with archaic words like "begat," "agape," "covenant." Even 10-year-old me might have lost interest, and having read it as an adult, the Bible is not exactly a children's book that leaves you warm and fuzzy after reading it. There are animals, but not the cute, cuddly kind, more like lions ready to eat Daniel and various plagues that befell Egypt like frogs, locusts, etc. Lots of people die, some brutally, there's incest, there's rape, etc. All the shortcomings of mankind are on display, as the Old Testament actually does begin with the original sin of Adam and Eve succumbing to their human interests. Which is why I picked up a copy from the "Complete illustrated Children's Bible" from the library for Baby Girl Yan, a cartoonish depiction of all the highlights, covers the major points. There are a lot of real humans from history in here! Cyrus the Great, Darius of Persia make appearances, as do King Nebuchadnezzar and Belshazar, and well, Jesus...depending on whether you think he was real or not. I loved the pictures in the children's bible! Toned down the violence and killing, emphasized the key points, cut out all the difficult-to-read parts. Baby will be able to read it soon! Or at least look at all the colorful pictures and develop her optical nerves, rods and cones, all that. MJ and I will discuss how to present the Bible to her. The 2026 World Cup has come to an end for Team South Korea.....a shame because it started off so well, with a 2-1 thrilling comeback victory against Czechia, (formerly known as Bohemia), but then just an ignominious defeat to South Africa of all people when all they needed to do was win to play in Los Angeles with a huge Korean population.....unfortunate, but at least they made it to the World Cup unlike China, Italy......I wish I was more of a soccer aficinado but I've never really been able to get fully into it, maybe because I didn't grow up in that culture living in suburban Chicago. I did play soccer when I was a kid, and some bad memories of being one of the worst players on the field, teammates getting upset at me, coach letting his son play instead of me so the team could win even though the whole point was to let all kids play equally...not the fondest of memories, maybe one of the reasons I never followed it. It was also hard to organize a game; most parks don't just have a soccer net set up, and even if they do it might not be the right size, the field is not set up for soccer..... I can see why the game has such appeal though, all you need is a ball and then you can set up goals even with 2 rocks marking the end points. Literally almost anybody can play, and there's plenty of running around for everyone, whereas it's so hard for a kid to play baseball and just stand in the outfield waiting for something to happen. And at the highest level, the world up, the skill level is so intense: I never even got to the level of securing the ball with "one touch" or doing a "through pass" or doing headers, some of the basic skills that the best footballers in the world have perfected. I can see why Team China doesn't devote time and resources into soccer though....it's just not a great sport for the Asian body. Maybe I'm making excuses for my own inept abilities (it's a skill issue) but soccer is a just not suited for the Asian body: it requires skill, speed, height, leg strength, stamina......all facets of an all-around athlete that the Chinese just don't produce as much of. Need tall players like Scandinavians to get those headers!

Thunder and Lightning

Sometimes I watch a movie that's not universally acclaimed, nor talked about much by the mainstream media, doesn't get a lot of buzz on social media, none of my friends have seen it, it didn't show up in my recommended list on Netflix, and yet it's the perfect movie for the times that I'm living through and exactly the movie I needed to see. I'm talking about "Song Sung Blue," starring Hugh Jackman and Kate Hudson (founder of the Fabletics line and renowned nepo-baby of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn who actually turns in a great performance in this movie and received a worthy Oscar nomination) about a husband and wife team leading a Neil Daimond tribute band in Milwaukee, of all places. The movie is good enough to introduce a neophyte like me to Neil Diamond songs (it's not just about Sweet Caroline, apparently) and even to some others like Elvis or Patsy Cline, it's about a couple who are getting older (both have teenage kids when the movie starts) but still holding onto a dream of performing in front of others and making it big. Sound familiar? Maybe something this blog has been yapping nonstop about the last few months? The couple are so close to stardom and making it out of just the Milwaukee scene and even open for Pearl Jam, apparently big in the 1990s (nostalgia sells, as the film reminds us) but something happens that just derails the dream instantly, irreversibly, and not really their fault, just an act of God or like being "struck by lightning." The thunder and lightning in the movie refer to what the couple call themselves. It was a stark reminder to me at least that I'm not the only who whose dreams were dashed despite being oh so close to getting what I wanted. Every year, every day, every hour someone realizes that the dream they worked for for so long will never be fulfilled, that it was just a passing fancy, a passing cloud you didn't quite catch. At least for me, I have the rest of my life to look forward to, other dreams to pursue than getting on TV, and I didn't wind up in the hospital, or have to go to AA meetings for sobriety. The movie has really feel-good moments and good playlist of songs, funny dialogue, and kudos to higher-profile actors Jackmand and Hudson for taking on these roles of real-life people (that's the more striking thing, this was a real life couple named Mike and Claire Sardinia), but the raw emotion of the movie hit hard, when a lady in AA says,: "Most things just don't work out. Most times, you just mess it up, so it's easier not to try. We're all just looking for some hope. But at my age, hope is hard. Hope's not enough." In Song Sung Blue, the couple do get a second chance at stardom which feels sweeter at least for the audience because of how low they had sunk before climbing back up the hill to get to the top, and it must have taken a tremendous amount of courage and faith to get back on the horse hoping they might one day get another opportunity again. For me, I'm hoping onto slim hopes that I might one day stand on the Jeopardy stage again and get my shining moment that a bolt of lightning took away from me last time (or at least, a bout of "myalgia " did). Is it worth holding onto those hopes at a second chance, or am I the recovering alcoholic in AA, finally realizing that most things just don't work out and grasping at some straw of hope? Maybe Neil Diamond wrote it best, "I'm a Believer!" (1967 song by the Monkees)