Recovery

MJ was a little miffed at me today for being outside on a run for longer than she anticipated, and I did some introspection as to why it is that I run. A primary reason is that it helps control my weight, and I sweat off a lot of water weight especially in the summer when I run. It's really the only exercise I do. Another reason is: I just like being outside and seeing the world around me (I've talked about this before). But one last reason I hadn't considered before that I'd taken for granted: I like the feeling of my body recovering from the run, maybe more than the run itself. Sure the run allows me to get my juices flowing, feel the wind in my hair, get a runner's high, but there are downsides like going uphill, wiping sweat from my brow, ruining a perfectly good shirt, and just getting tired......feet are sore, you're winded from the humidity, bunch of negatives especially towards the tail end of a run, but the harder I push myself the better the feeling of recovery is afterwards. The several hours AFTER I've showered are probably the best my body feels all day, especially if I feed myself and replenish liquids after running, and put on a clean outfit after showering. The body got pushed to its limit, and now it's repairing itself, I can almost feel my pores breathing new air and different areas of the body rejuvenating themselves. Maybe it's that feeling I'm chasing every day and why I feel weird if I haven't gone out for a run.....my body craves it, and it washes away all the stresses of the day and makes the dreariness of a long run worth it. It's kind of hard to describe to someone who doesn't run, but I hope MJ can understand and get the same feeling of recovery that I get from running, and forgive me for taking up to hour away from taking care of Baby Girl Yan. I gotta keep it under an hour now though (including shower and getting back ready to take over), so marathon training from 11 years ago is just a memory. (Man how well did I sleep after those marathon sessions?) Perhaps that's also what happens for me recovering after traumatic events: the injury is deep and it hurts not being able to change the past, but the gradual ebb of time and healing might be allowing me to enjoy it more. 3 months after losing on Jeopardy, I feel a little better bit by bit, like I've somewhat getting back to normal, and I can finally eventually let it go and focus on moving forward. I remember equally traumatic events like losing at dodgeball or doing worse than I thought on the LSAT being damaging but feeling better about it after doing little things to make myself feel better. It's almost like the injury had to happen to have the better moments of working my way up from the bottom and cheering myself day by day, so that my mood improves gradually. It's a lot like thunderstorms in the summer: they strike quick and you get hit with a few minutes of pouring rain, but then the clouds go away and you might get a glimpse at a rainbow somewhere. Recovery can be rewarding.

Mother-in-Law (岳母, 義理の母, 시어머니)

My wrist hurts from overuse (I belive it's called a repetitive stress injury, or RSI), my back has pain (maybe it's even MYALGIA) from being hunched over all the time, my eyes feel dry because I look at screens all day, and on Friday I developed what felt like a stress fracture in my heel, almost forcing me to miss my run. But I ran anyway, because it wasn't THAT painful and I love to run, I'm probably addicted to the natural endorphins and the feeling of peace I get resting from the run. All these and it's been more than 2 weeks since MJ and I have had any help (and we don't really consider our last babysitter as providing any help, so realistically it's even longer), so it's great that MJ's mom is coming from Korea to visit. She doesn't want to set expectations high, she's already said she might not be able to carry Baby Girl Yan except for short periods of time, and of course baby will have to get used to her "Korean grandma," but man it's good to have another adult around to team up on the baby. This is what I can't fathom about those with 3 babies or more: the babies outnumber the adults, even if you have 2 parents in the household, which not all families do. That's just unfair odds, I feel like. Having a baby is like subjecting yourself to a new boss, except you're on call to the boss 24/7, there are no breaks, no off days, no slacking, it's just the new way of life now. So getting 2 or 3 new bosses just seems tortorous, especially if they're not nice bosses, they're the evil and ill-willed kind. MJ's mom doesn't speak much English, and I don't speak much Korean, so we're at a bit of an impasse, but we've been able to kind of manage throughout our relationship. I definitely wish I could communicate more and bounce more ideas off each other, understand her thought process, how to raise a baby girl, but sometimes actions and implicity communication is enough. MJ's mom is not someone to talk Shakespeare or trivia or sports with; she's just very caring and hardworking without saying much, kind of like the stereotypical Busan man in Korean culture, except a woman. Speak softly and carry a big mop, or big vacuum. In that way our personalities are very different; I am a more practical person who just barely gets by with house chores, just enough is good enough for me, whereas MJ's mom has a very high standard for cleanliness, which is appreciated, if only just to balance out my slovenly habits. Father's Day is coming up! My first one as a father! Fathers are widely regarded as the "just listen to mom's directions and try to follow her lead" guys, but I'll stick up for the group and say I do a lot to keep Baby Yan alive and should be commended for my effort! Not all dads do the same thing, so how much deserved credit varies by the dad, but getting up in the middle of the night to a crying baby is not easy, picking up a 17pound going on 25 pound (feels like a huge bowling ball right now) baby all the time is not easy, summoning the energy to sing and make the baby laugh and hold her attention is not always easy. So yes, even though we didn't hold the baby in the womb and don't have scars to show for it from delivering the baby, dads still should be commended, and Father's Day is a valuable holiday. Heck, Sarah Snodd, the lady who originated Father's Day in 1910, agrees to (although that father was taking care of SIX children on his own! After fighting in the Civil War! Man dads were just built different back then.

Obsession

Obsession is the name of a fragrance from Calvin Klein way back in 1985/1986 that gets asked about on Jeopardy occasionally; Obsession is also the name of a hit 2026 horror movie that has the internet buzzing about how scary it is, a true psychological nightmare. Between that and "Back Rooms" by 20-year-old director Kane Parsons, and the creepypasta/horror genre is really catching on with American audiences, not that I will be watching. I'm a strictly no-horror film watcher, but I'll read the synopsis. If I want to watch something horrifying, I'll go watch clues 19-25 of my one Jeopardy game.....but Obsession even has a good moral lesson attached to it, which is.....be careful what you wish for! In my younger years I often yearned for so-and-so girl to like me back when she was the target of my affections, I wasn't exactly obsessed with it, but I do understand the impulse to do almost anything to get that person to like me back. I do think part of the reason I get obsessed with pursuits like fantasy baseball, dodgeball, Jeopardy.....is that I, like many nerdy men out there (not to stereotype but I do feel like this is part of why men do what they do) like to compete especially in things that have standings, that can gauge how well you do, endeavors that have ways of tracking your personal progress, but more importantly......how well you're doing versus others. I've never gotten a DNA test but I may be a descendant of Genghis Khan; regardless of whether I am or not, someone in my lineage somewhere probably had to conquer other people, had to fight against others to win something. That probably runs through my blood, the need, the obsession, to fight against others, even if in today's society others aren't looking to fight. My upbringing probably contributed to that feeling, I've always been neglected, always been second fiddle, never popular or gotten too much attention, that I've constantly been fighting for attention, wanting to prove myelf. It's like an obsession to need to do well, to always be thinking about it and never letting it go. Sometimes that can be a healthy obsession and that's branded as "competitive fire" when a pro athlete does it and spends 12 hours in the gym working and getting better, but when it's a nerdy guy like me obsessing about a game show or some other endeavor it's derided as lacking direction and "needs to make better use of one's time." This might actually be a useful psychological study nowadays for young men who constantly feel rejected (and thus causing some destruction in society). The best-looking people, most popular get 95% of the attention, which is great for them but not everybody can be those best-looking people and most popular, and young men who like me have this urge to compete and fight for something and have a goal, get attention, prove oneself....lack the ability to do that in today's world and have to express themselves through different outlets, whether it be video games, sports, etc.....but sometimes it gets violent or destructive.

Manderley

"Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again." The famous first line of the 1938 novel "Rebecca," which I admit I've never read but have read ABOUT in various articles and Jeopardy clues. It's regarded as one of the best opening lines in literature, or at least one of the most memorable, because it lays out the atmosphere and mood of the rest of the story and puts you right into that world. Well, last night I dreamt I went to Jeopardy again. I know, I might be going crazy (various characters in Rebecca do actually feel like they're going crazy). It wasn't just any dream, it was a vivid dream, full of detail, dialogue, identifiable characters, and the raw emotion of playing another Jeopardy game and the elation of winning (unlike real life, I actually won in this dream). I guess it's what happens when I do 2 of the biggest things that provide good rest: 1.) blood donation, and 2.) got a haircut. For some reason, purely anecdotally and without taking any data, every time I do those things the dreams are lucid, vivid, and feel like the real deal. Maybe the blood is replenishing in my body? It doesn't do the same for platelet donations, just whole blood donations. Anyway, the dream? I was so enthralled in the dream I didn't want to wake up, and that dream world was satisfying, without need to eat, use the restroom, or have any anxiety or worries, everything just happened narratively and told like a story, like my brain was telling me a story, except I was living in it. Baby girl Yan even woke up in the middle of the night, I fed her, and I then continued dreaming after I went back to sleep! In many ways, the actual Jeopardy experience was kind of like a fever dream (TIL fever dreams cause vivid dreams because the body is unusually heated which disrupts brain activity during sleep, which may be imitated by body producing more blood? Interesting science experiment for any neurologists). I'm sure this isn't unique to me, but the best, most anticipated days of our lives go by too quickly, at least in proportion to how long we spend anticipating them and working towards them. Same thing happened for dodgeball, the biggest event of our lives went by in about 5 minutes just by nature of how quick dodgeball games go: a flash compared to how many times our team practiced, watch videos, dreamed about that day. Wedding day: a whole year and LOT of resources (probably the most expensive day I've incurred in my life) just to be over in a few hours, but at least we have vivid, vivid pictures of the day, so I'd say it was worth it. And then finally Jeopardy tape day, the day I longed for every day for 5 years at least, came and went in just one afternoon, with the actual game lasting just 20 minutes, probably shorter than the lucid dream I had last night about being on it. Then it was back to life as normal again, just without the anticipation. It'll probably take me another couple years on the backside to recover from it too, where many Jeopardy contestants have reported "post-Jeopardy syndrome" which involves caring less about the show, not even watching it anymore after having been on it. I get it, the stakes are different now, you're no longer studying for it, the thrill is gone, especially if you're "never going back to Manderley again." Life is kind of unfair in that way, the most precious moments of our lives go by so quickly without being able to replicate them ever again, the down times feel like they go on forever, yet if you get to do those precious moments over and over again, they don't feel so precious anymore, more mundane and you lose the novelty (maybe some superchamps like Matt Amodo feel this way?). I wish for Baby Yan to get all the experiences she yearns for and enjoys them. Yesterday I did finally get a stranger to recognize me, after so many days of locking contact with others in public without any recognition. My barber, of all people, who I didn't tell that I was going to Jeopardy, but was responsible for the haircut I ended up going with on national TV, greeted me warmly as "Mr. Jeopardy" when I walked in to the shop yesterday and told me he'd seen my episode. I played it off nonchalantly, but inside I was beaming. Finally, I didn't go to Manderley for nothing! Someone that wasnt obligated to see it saw it! Maybe some sort of closure for this chapter in my life, although I still wouldn't mind visiting Jeopardy again in real life, not just dreaming it.

Fatherhood

Being a father means a lot of things, but one of the more gratifying of those things is being able to hold a baby in my arms whenever I want, and the baby liking it. We're lucky that our baby always calms down when she is held by mom and me, but it's also complicated when she ONLY wants to be held by mom and me. There's really no other feeling in the world quite like having a live baby in your arms looking up at you and smiling, it makes all the difficult things like changing diapers, giving baths, waking up in the middle of the night, and showing up when she's crying worth it......at least for a little bit. Today, I tried out walking around outside with baby in a carrier, the next step in my evolution as a parent, and happy to report it's pretty simple: just don't bump into anything right in front of you. Oh and keep baby out of direct sunlight, my Korean wife is very quick to point out. It's actually safer to have baby in carrier than just holding her in my arms like I used to do, and so much easier on my arms when they're free to open doors instead of straddling the baby from the bottom. It does make me wonder, though, how much longer I can keep doing this, at what level weight do I just buckle under the pressure she's just too heavy? 35 pounds (double what she is now?) I am starting to admire those dads who put baby on their shoulders in the cowboy position. That's some real dediction and some real weight on one's shoulders. Part of fatherhood, of course, is also missing out on a lot of activities, can't have it all I suppose, but this weekend definitely drives home how much fun MJ and I had before having the baby; end of May was typically our weekend to get away, as it's usually sunny everywhere in the world, the days are long, and it's not too hot yet. MJ reminisced about all the fun we had in Italy 4 years ago, just getting out of the pandemic and getting out into the world, visiting 4 cities in 3 days (I know, doesn't seem possible but we had a layover in Amsterdam, then flew to Florence, then took trains the next 2 days to Rome and Venice, consecutively. A whirlwind trip full of gelatos, art museums, Roman history, and following Rick Stueves's guidebook. We were so free, so adventurous, so much energy. Now I can barely get myself out of the room what with the parent responsibilities but my hands are usually literally tied with holding a baby. I recently watched a Neflix TV series "4 seasons" with Tina Fey and Steve Carrell where they have that discussion about having kids versus going kids-free and having free time. It's really an impossible decision, and I envy those who can have both (lots of help and lots of money I suppose can allow you the luxury of both). For us normal folks, we just have to get all of those HIJINKS and SHENANIGANS of our childless years, "enjoy it" as much as we can (I never knew what others meant when they told me to do this, but now I can sympathize with that feeling of make good memories, because that's all you'll have after you become a parent) because becoming a parent is forever. It's perhaps fitting in my Jeopardy game that I got a $800 clue wrong (Back to school night, whatever that is) in the Parenting category: Jeopardy has a lot of rote memorization and word association, and other ways to get to the right response, but one of the best ways is to have experienced something, whether it's seen a red-tailed hawk, watched Bridgerton or Grey's Anatomy, read Harper's Bazaar, or....sometimes, you just have to be a Parent. (although, the $1000 clue that we all went blank on was "Joint custody," something not every parent has to go through). Parenting is not something that parents can easily describe to non-parents: yes you can quanity how much sleep you get, how much free time you're giving up, how much money the baby eats up (and poops up in diaper fees), but the other side of the calculus of becoming a father (or mother) and the unforgettable moments you experience is really hard to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. You can describe a juicy steak, or the feeling of cold beer on a hot day, or walking through the streets of Rome and Colosseum (as we did 4 long years ago), but it's just best done, and nothing can replace actually being a parent. Try to enjoy. When you're not wiping the baby's butt and changing her diaper for the 8th time that day.

Neighbors

MJ used to worry a lot about neighbors and making loud noises letting them know we were fighting, and unfortunately that has happened pretty often. It's just the nature of our relationship: we are OK until we fight, and it gets very loud very quickly when it does happen. Both of us were very sensitive and prone to getting our feelings hurt. So I'm always a little embarrassed seeing our neighbors in the hallway because I wonder if they've heard us fighting from before. We were reprimanded by one neighbor a few years ago for being too loud, but that guy turned out to be a jerk anyway and we never talk to him. I was reminded about the importance of neighbors recently when one of our neighbors returned our set of keys that I had left in the mailbox, they were very nice about knocking on our door and saying hi. Other than my sister coming to help and some repair/ maintenance crews, that was one of the only times anyone has ever just voluntarily knocked on our door for something nice. It made me think of a simpler time of life: the 1990's, specifically, when my friends would not text beforehand, there were barely any phones available, they would just show up and knock on our door and ask if "I could play." Pure, genuine question that I wish I would get asked nowadays. Instead all I get are spam calls asking me to buy something or the Red Cross's daily call to see if I could do a platelet donation. Even in this day and age of smartphones and TikTok and having the whole world available to you at the press of a button, neighbors are still important: they're the ones closest to you in case of an emergency. I recently attended a building potluck party to get everyone outside and welcome the arrival of spring; I was surprised at how everyone was so welcoming and nice in person, reminding me that Reddit is a community of faceless people typing behind a keyboard, while there are still real people living just above and below me who are much more approximate. All the conversations were genuine, conversations are just easier to have face-to-face; you know when to interrupt when someone's almost done talking, you know from facial expressions what are important parts of the story, conversations are just better when they're done face to face. I think as we move increasingly to a digtial age, we miss some of that when we're always online. It's so easy to lose ourselves online, to lose the ability to interact or communicate. It's so easy to just send a "congratulations" text to someone and just be done with that interaction, never pausing to have a conversation or schedule anything meaningful. Much harder to do in this day and age, but much more meaningful, is to talk in person and get some "FaceTime." MJ and I have tried to relay this philosophy to Baby Girl Yan: as little screen time as possible, EXCEPT talking to grandparents or other family members on the phone, where their faces are on the screen. And who knows, with the encouraging signs of backlash against the AI takeover, maybe neighborhood parties will make a comeback, America will implement a National "Meet Your Neighbors" Day, people will just take a day each month to say hi to everyone around them. And we can finally hash it out with that guy who chided us for being too loud.

Life in the Jeopardy Loser's Lounge

Whereas last week was full of excitement and receiving well wishes from people I hadn't heard from in a long time, this week has been a bit of a letdown as everything just passed by due to my Jeopardy experience just being one episode: just another downside of losing your first game I guess, you fade in and out of relevancy just like that. The guy I almost beat but ultimately lost to, though, did not fade out of relevancy, Tristan Williams, who increased his 3-game win streak after last streak to an 8-game win streak after going through the whole week in pretty orderly fashion, 3 runaway games and 2 closer games Thursday and Friday but ones he led going into FJ and then getting Final Jeopardy. He's a good player, definitely good enough to be an 8-game player, and I feel like he kept my dreams of ever appearing on the Alex Trebek stage again alive, if only false hope to be crushed later on, but so far I might have the best case out of the players in Tristan's loser lounge to get a second chance. He's still playing next week of course, and can produce another contestant or two who has better "statistics" than me, but I definitely have a better chance than if Tristan just went out as a 2-game champion. Kind of a small silver lining to the major dark cloud that is sitting at home watching Tristan thinking maybe I could have been him (I do think I had about equal Jeopardy knowledge, but maybe just a little slower than Tristan) and if one thing was different it would be me as the 7-game champion right now fielding questions, being interviewed by the media, being the talk of high school alumni group, explaining my thought process to questions in the Jeopardy subreddit, feeling like the star of the show at least for another week. Instead, it's almost as if Jeopardy never happened; no more texts from those friends who wished me well, no more watch parties, no more attention for me, apparently an attention hog. What I've learned about myself, maybe I've always known this, is I do crave attention, or at least positive attention. Attention is a drug, it makes me feel good about myself, like I accomplished something, I matter to other people. I got some of that in middle school and public school by being smart and playing chess, but reality hits when you become an adult and you're not a model or have some sort of advanced skill set that makes you attractive.....you just disappear into the crowd, an anonymous face among thousands, millions of other anonymous faces. Maybe that's why I kept wanting to be on Survivor and Amazing Race in my twenties, not just because those games seemed fun to play, it was more to be on TV and have other people watch me and admire me. Jeopardy might have been my last shot to do that, to get on people's radars, and I got on them.........for about 20 minutes on a random Thursday night, but then once again faded into obscurity. It's funny, I thought before going on Jeopardy that people would recognize me in public, maybe I'd even stop and take a picture with a Jeopardy fan or two. Nope, MJ and I went through a whole Delta lounge and went through the airport after the show aired: no one stopped me, nothing, not even a longer look at me with a puzzled expression trying to place where they'd seen me. I'm sure Jamie Ding (31-game champion) would have gotten attention after being on major news networks, and maybe that's what Tristan is getting being the reigning 8-game Jeopardy champion. I suspect it's how talented actors feel when they see a more famous actor playing the role on a movie that they auditioned for but didn't get the part: jealousy, sadness, but maybe the realization that somewhere in a different universe not too far removed from this one, that could have been me up there soaking in the limelight, if just one small thing worked out differently. It is really surreal, I don't think I've ever had such a dichotomy of outcome: In one reality I'm sitting at home hoping and praying that I get a second chance at Jeopardy, just one more game (where I'd likely have just a 33-50% chance fo winning against 2 other second chance players desperate to finally win a game), in another reality I'm still seeing myself on TV playing after 7 games, remembering all the great memories and adrenaline rushes of going through different boards of questions and highs and lows of an entire tape day of 5 games, and somehow making it out alive, $100,000 richer on top of it, AND assured of a spot at Jeopardy's most prestigious event, next year's Tournament of Champions. Jeopardy may not have as much reach and pull in contemporary culture as it used to, but that's still a pretty big deal. I've never thought I could be a baseball player, a movie star, those dreams always seemed so far away, but being a Jeopardy multi-day champion......that one was attainable, and I literally could not have been closer to achieving it. I just didn't know myalgia. It kills me everybody, this myalgia. Hope you enjoyed this inside look at a Jeopardy Loser's lamentations and thought process! I guess I still haven't gotten over it, and won't get over it until Tristan loses, and probably will never get over it.