The Art of Trolling

 

a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people,^[1] by posting inflammatory,^[2] extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community (such as a newsgroup, forum, chat room, or blog) with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into an emotional response^[3] or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion

I am not great at trolling. I didn’t even know what the word meant until a few years ago, but I have been schooled in the art and etiquette of trolling by some friends and fantasy sports opponents, especially one “Demolition Derek” that I had mentioned from before.

Lessons I learned from Derek:

1.)    Hit at something the victim really cares about or has shown concern about in the past, whether it’s fantasy baseball,  their favorite sports team, or even their favorite kind of ice cream. Allowing the trolling response to “hit home” causes the most damage.

2.)    Be relentless. Never give up trolling even if someone retaliates.

3.)    Never concede anything. To give in to others’ trolling is to lose something from your own trolling.

4.)    Target as large of pool of victims as possible. The more people you upset, the more responses and discussion you might get.

5.)    Keep a list of inside jokes that the forum/ discussion board that you are trolling even if those jokes are not immediately applicable; they will come in handy later as useful ammunition to fire off at victims.

6.)    Choose victims who are easily offended and most likely to need to retaliate to inflammatory attacks

Honestly, I feel that trolling has become hand in hand with fantasy leagues: Just as smack talk and “my team is better than yours!” are essential to drawing in people’s interest and making them care about the outcome of a league, trolling makes others at the very least want to beat the troll into submission and if successfully disseminated to a wide audience, could have the worthwhile result of engaging the whole league in all-out warfare and shouting matches which is the ultimate prize for a troll. I think that if done right and with the right intentions (to get people engaged, not just to upset people), trolling is very healthy and even required in fantasy leagues. I, as a fledgling troll just learning his craft, am starting to embrace my role and relish in building up my tact and become a professional internet troll.

Great ways to troll your fantasy league:

1.)    Write a “all your team names suck!” post and dissect why you despise every team name that managers have chosen.

2.)    Find out which teams each of your leaguemates root for and detail why that team has no chance at winning the championship in their respective sport.

3.)    Write a “why I am the best” monologue full of put-downs and

4.)    Write a “what I like about all your teams” message but add satirical “compliments” about your opponents’ teams like, “The one thing you can count on from New Orleans Saints is that they’ll choose one reliable RB and stick him with…” (obvious reference to Pierre Thomas’s lack of usage) or “I really like that X team will be healthy all year especially with Troy Tulowitzki and Hanley Ramirez.”

 

The preceding was a cover letter for application to the Internet Troll Guild of America, my resume is attached.

Btw, I learned today that “whistleblower” is举报人 in Chinese and 内部告発 (Naibu kokuhatsu). Very important term in the legal field and especially in my line of work. It’s a universal term that pervades through all cultures as there’s whistelblowing-worthy activity throughout the world. Trolling, however, is much more American than other cultures, as there’s really no set term in Chinese and Japanese, as it is justトローリング in Japanese (they farmed it from English and the pronunciation is strictly based off the English word).

 

Fantasize on,

 

Robert Yan