Welcome to the 2014 Fantasy Football Amusement Park Preview!
I am your tour guide, Robert “DaMan” Yan, and I’d like to give you a sneak
preview of what we have in store for your enjoyment this season at the
amusement park, opening Thursday with an epic clash between the Packers and the
Seahawks!
Our main attraction this season is the Triple QB cannon,
where you can get fired out of a cannon by any of the top guns of Peyton
Manning, Drew Brees, or Aaron Rodgers. There’s a lot of interest for this ride though,
and everyone’s clamoring to get onto this ride, so we commend that if you don’t
want to spend too much time (or spend to high of a draft pick), go to the
Trampoline Terrace where the almost-as potent- QB’s Tony Romo, Tom Brady, and
Matthew Stafford wait and can be a great experience especially on select
matchup and weather-friendly Sundays.
On a cool day, who doesn’t want to go down the lazy river?
Dependable, non-threatening, and relaxing, it’s pretty reliable to get on the Jimmy
Graham bandwagon and let it roll. There are no other water rides (or good TEs)
at the amusement park, so if you like water rides and reliability at the TE
position, hop on the Jimmy Graham express.
Down for reconstruction last year but opening up again are
the Arian Foster and Doug Martin rides. Explosive and thrilling, these rides
can be just as satisfying as the other premium rides on the park like the
Beastquake or the Shady Shalom (LeSean McCoy), so make sure to consider giving
them a whirl if they’re free.
The Antonio Gates ride (a wooden coaster from the way-back
machine) is unfortunately being retired after this season, but all the more
reason to enjoy in its last season! Nostalgic parkgoers can take solace in the
fact Gates still has some juice left in those wheels, and you’ll still get some
TDs (G’s) regardless.
If you like a bumping bruising, and generally knocking
people around, look no further than the Shonn Greene and Chris Ivory Bumper
Cars, which stake much of their value on being able to bowl people over. Not
recommended for those with an affinity for aerial delights (PPR leagues).
Speaking of air, you’ll get plenty of it with Michael Floyd
and DeAndre Hopkins, some of our newest but more unheralded up-and-coming
rides. We anticipate them getting plenty of attention as the season moves along
and parkgoers understand how fast and athletic these rides are, despite ride
operators (quarterbacks) who aren’t the most trustworthy of hired hands (Carson
Palmer, Ryan Fitzpatrick- for now)
Finally, if there’s one treat you want to get before you
leave the park as a supplement to the great experience you had with everything
else, let it be the cotton candy that is Danny Woodhead. Small but nimble, the
Woodhead flavor of running and sneaking and darting through your taste buds
will leave you with great memories, even if the candy gets dropped on the ground
after a while (injury risk).
We here at the Fantasy Football Amusement Park 2014 hope you
have a great experience here at the park in 2014 and hope these rides will
actually work out for you (as opposed to yesteryear when they didn’t really and
I lost a lot of legitimacy!)
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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