The following is a headhunter letter I'd send out to fantasy basketball managers recruiting people to start their organization.
Dear Fantasy Owner:
Congratulations on deciding to start your company, (Insert team name here). We here at FantasySportGuru Headhunter, Inc. have thorougly researched the avaiable applicant pool that you sent us and dissected it from top to bottom, looking for applicant strengths, weaknesses, age, championships, how they get along with others, dental history, favorite music, hobbies they do in the offseason. After putting all these factors into perspective, we are pleased to offer you our assessment of who you should obtain for your championship campaign.
Every organization should have a guy like Dwayne Wade. Not only does he try his hardest, inspire his team, and have a squeaky-clean image (not that any of that matters in fantasy), his production is unmatched. Like the jack-of-trades you have in all organizations, Mr. Wade can do just about anything you ask him to, whether it be points, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks. He's even learned a new language over the last year called "three-pointese." O, and did I mention he has one year left on his contract? Should create even more inspiration.
We would also like to point you in the direction of Andris Biedrins. He's a foreign guy, so he might have trouble acclimating to the team, but big men who score are a dime a dozen, and his adviser SURE DOES like to score. Don't be fooled by his bad haircuts and unathletic-looking frame, this guy will be the tree in your foundation. And I'm pretty sure your rival organizations aren't that interested in him, so we suggest you pounce. Mr. Eric Gordon is a young guy, baby-face with one year work experience and one year college study, but he's eager to learn and just needs to be set free. His 3-point form is a thing of beauty. We would be failing in our duty if we didn't also mention Andrew Bynum, Spencer Hawes, and Michael Beasley. They are not valued that highly right now, but if you can utilize their talents o boy will you be pleased.
Also, a name that you've probably heard before but never thought you could obtain, is now very VERY available. Does "The Matrix" ring a bell? Ahh, I see that you are familiar with the man, the myth, and living legend. What if I were to tell you he's back and better than ever? He's had a dramatic change since his days in Toronto and Miami, and the change of scenery is doing him good. Now he's energized and ready to prove all his doubters wrong. We REALLY REALLY recommend you taking a chance on him while others sit on their hands.
Unfortunately, as in other applicants there are some bad apples in the batch, and we feel we have to warn you about them, however unfair it is to them. Nothing personal; just business. Paul Pierce has added some new friends to his circle and is getting older, and we just don't see greener pastures ahead for Mr. Pierce. Don't want to hire and then have to fire due to age discrimination. If you've done any research at all into the resumes of some of the applicants, you might have come across the name of Brook Lopez. Some people in our business are touting his name, calling him the next savior, and throwing all caution to the wind in endorsing this man. I cannot speak the same. There's been talk of signing Mr. Lopez before the Duncans, Harrises, and Carters of the world. I know that you're a smart guy, so I know you will do what's best for you and pass on the hype. Unfortunately, we also think Mr. (Carmelo) Anthony is a ballhog who doesn't like to share with others or use preventive measures, Mr. Boozer has a history of medical problems that you don't want to end up just paying worker's comp for him, and Mr. Murphy's success last year was the product of a combination of magical markers, fairy mist, and Redrum shoes.
This all being said, we know you will have many questions and doubts throughout the season about your employees, many trials and tribulations, and it will really be a personal relationship with these guys. We recommend you draft mostly with cold, hard, facts, and our numbers, but also have fun with your employees, because if you don't surround yourself with people you can cheer for and be in the company with, then you will not have fun running your company. And that's really what it's all about.
Sincerely,
Fantasysportguru Headhunter, Inc.
Chairman, President, and Omnicient Ruler,
Robert Yan
Dear Fantasy Owner:
Congratulations on deciding to start your company, (Insert team name here). We here at FantasySportGuru Headhunter, Inc. have thorougly researched the avaiable applicant pool that you sent us and dissected it from top to bottom, looking for applicant strengths, weaknesses, age, championships, how they get along with others, dental history, favorite music, hobbies they do in the offseason. After putting all these factors into perspective, we are pleased to offer you our assessment of who you should obtain for your championship campaign.
Every organization should have a guy like Dwayne Wade. Not only does he try his hardest, inspire his team, and have a squeaky-clean image (not that any of that matters in fantasy), his production is unmatched. Like the jack-of-trades you have in all organizations, Mr. Wade can do just about anything you ask him to, whether it be points, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks. He's even learned a new language over the last year called "three-pointese." O, and did I mention he has one year left on his contract? Should create even more inspiration.
We would also like to point you in the direction of Andris Biedrins. He's a foreign guy, so he might have trouble acclimating to the team, but big men who score are a dime a dozen, and his adviser SURE DOES like to score. Don't be fooled by his bad haircuts and unathletic-looking frame, this guy will be the tree in your foundation. And I'm pretty sure your rival organizations aren't that interested in him, so we suggest you pounce. Mr. Eric Gordon is a young guy, baby-face with one year work experience and one year college study, but he's eager to learn and just needs to be set free. His 3-point form is a thing of beauty. We would be failing in our duty if we didn't also mention Andrew Bynum, Spencer Hawes, and Michael Beasley. They are not valued that highly right now, but if you can utilize their talents o boy will you be pleased.
Also, a name that you've probably heard before but never thought you could obtain, is now very VERY available. Does "The Matrix" ring a bell? Ahh, I see that you are familiar with the man, the myth, and living legend. What if I were to tell you he's back and better than ever? He's had a dramatic change since his days in Toronto and Miami, and the change of scenery is doing him good. Now he's energized and ready to prove all his doubters wrong. We REALLY REALLY recommend you taking a chance on him while others sit on their hands.
Unfortunately, as in other applicants there are some bad apples in the batch, and we feel we have to warn you about them, however unfair it is to them. Nothing personal; just business. Paul Pierce has added some new friends to his circle and is getting older, and we just don't see greener pastures ahead for Mr. Pierce. Don't want to hire and then have to fire due to age discrimination. If you've done any research at all into the resumes of some of the applicants, you might have come across the name of Brook Lopez. Some people in our business are touting his name, calling him the next savior, and throwing all caution to the wind in endorsing this man. I cannot speak the same. There's been talk of signing Mr. Lopez before the Duncans, Harrises, and Carters of the world. I know that you're a smart guy, so I know you will do what's best for you and pass on the hype. Unfortunately, we also think Mr. (Carmelo) Anthony is a ballhog who doesn't like to share with others or use preventive measures, Mr. Boozer has a history of medical problems that you don't want to end up just paying worker's comp for him, and Mr. Murphy's success last year was the product of a combination of magical markers, fairy mist, and Redrum shoes.
This all being said, we know you will have many questions and doubts throughout the season about your employees, many trials and tribulations, and it will really be a personal relationship with these guys. We recommend you draft mostly with cold, hard, facts, and our numbers, but also have fun with your employees, because if you don't surround yourself with people you can cheer for and be in the company with, then you will not have fun running your company. And that's really what it's all about.
Sincerely,
Fantasysportguru Headhunter, Inc.
Chairman, President, and Omnicient Ruler,
Robert Yan
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