Paul Giamatti

 On my way to Cabo San Lucas for a vow renewal this weekend I saw another Paul Giamatti movie (this guy is everywhere!) called The Holdovers which was on all the lists for Acadamy Nominations and other accolades, and part fo the reason was Paul Giamatti was playing.....Paul Giamatti (random fact, Paul Giamatti's dad was the President of Yale University at one point and also the commissioner of the MLB). I've seen him play different roles, of course, but he's at the top of his powers in the type of roles he shows off in Holdovers, a middle-aged man with intellect and redeemable qualities but often the butt of jokes because of his bumbling, non-athletic build and ticked off reactions and getting stuck in awkward situations. Hilarity ensues. He really reminded me of his seminal role in Sidways (I'm not drinking any Merlot!) 20 years ago in which he played essentially the same character, except he was....(checks wikipeda) just 36 years old back then! So my age! I can totally relate. People said I looked like I was 40 years old when I was 18, so i get it, although I've never had such a dad bod as Paul that made me look really old. 

In my ways I symathize with Paul's friends: the few friends he does have, it's hard for him to keep because he's eccentric, and also that's just how the world works: everyone wants to gravitate towards the better-looking, more active poeple who like to have fun and are down to do anything with friends. And it's also partly Paul's characters (aka my fault) for creating distance with friends because I'm too sensitive to this very thing and reject others before they reject me. This weekend at my friends' wedding, I realized how sometimes this happens gradually without even realizing it. I had always just thoguht being physically distant from these friends was just a symptom of the pandemic and the new normal, but the pandemic could only be an excuse for so long, and as time went they slowly drifted away and spent more time with other friends and developed stronger bonds, pushing me down the hierarchy and rankings that I had taken so long to build up over the course of many years. it's a lonely feeling seeing other people give speeches at weddings who are more trusted confidantes of those friends now and have the friends go to every other group of friends except you, indicating their affinity for talking to anyone but you. It's just a reminder to me that as easy as some people have it of making friends, I have to work harder just to keep friends because I'm not the most magnifying person to be friends with, I have to bring some value to a friendship and if it's not being there often, supplying jokes, checking in, being close enough to see each other on more than a once-a-year basis, then others may just choose to go have fun with someone else. 

I then got really drunk and had about 10 minutes of not caring and trouble-free dancing and partying, but then the alcohol hit in full force soon after and I was crumpled in a corner, not being able to move with the help of MJ dragging me up to the hotel room and dumping me on the bed semi-nude without even taking off my socks. I then woke up later in a pool of my own vomit on the bed. Sigh. Yes, I was basically Paul Giamatti in every other scene in Sideways.