CBA (Chinese born American)

For most of my life I've identified myself as an ABC- American Born Chinese, as I for all intents and purposes was born in the U.S. and lived my entire life here, growing up listening to baseball games, watching Transformers on TV, eating Honey Nut Cheerios, and attending school with Americans. But "ABC" isn't entirely correct: I was actually born in China; Shanghai to be exact, and only came to America when I was 4.5 years old, on a glorious winter day on December 13, 1991. I seriously do remember it like I was yesterday, one of the first memories I've ever had (that and being pulled out of school the day before and told I was going somewhere very, very far away). 

Anyway, I personally think the "ABC" that America associates with all Chinese Americans should expand a little to my new category, "CBA" or Chinese born American. This correctly identifies a lot of Chinese immigrants or children of immigrants who came to America, but also more functionally gives a middle ground between the pure immigrants who are more Chinese than American and came as adults versus the purely American people born in the U.S. who don't really care about China and sometimes don't even speak Chinese (my sister). I'm stuck somewhere in between, with mostly American values from going through the American educational system and having mostly American friends and doing all American things, but still ingrained with a Chinese heritage. I describe it rather pompously sometimes as "taking the good parts from both cultures." 

This sharing of both American and Chinese cultures really came into light this weekend when MJ and I visited friends with a newborn baby for the baby's baptism (my first baptism! I was never baptized as my parents wouldn't even know what it was other than in Chinese it's called a "cleansing ceremony.") Our friends are a Ukranian- Chinese couple, which is one of the most unique ethnicity combinations in the world, but also means there's a clash of cultures within their in-laws, between our Chinese friend's mother who doesn't speak English at all, versus the Ukranian father whose family all speak Ukranian amongst themselves plus English, but no Chinese. The family picture looks.......interesting. But the important thing is, the baby is healthy and loved by all, and the love really transcends all differences in religion, language, race, food, etc. The priest asked MJ, the godmother of the baby, if she was Buddhist!!!! in a Ukranian-Greco church. The post-baptism feast was also a mishmash of Chinese's spices, oils, heat, and flavor versus the cold cut meats and caviar of Ukranian cuisine. Really unsettling for the stomach to eat both at the same time; like eating peanut butter and soy sauce. Ultimately though, after sitting down and eating, I was able to cut through differences by discussing where I was from, the families' backgrounds, and just cut through the differences through food. I really enjoy that. I am extremely fortunate to have grown up in a land that has so many different cultures that allows for understanding, whereas China and most Asian societies have a closed society with a tendency towards narrow-mindedness. But then I'm also Chinese enough to understand the values of China in putting as much food onto a table for guests as possible, knowing what words to say to describe a situation, know how Chinese people might react in a situation, their way of raising kids and dealing with babies, etc. I am proud of my Chinese-ness, and I'd like to emphasize my American identity (passport is American, pay money to the American government) while also putting that "Chinese" in front as a modifier of that idenity. I'm a CBA ( not collective bargaining agreement). 

Primigravida (初产妇, 初産婦, 초심자)

 MJ often reminds me of this, but she's probably right: I could never endure everything that goes along with pregnancy. It's really a woman's burden, and the man is only there for the easy part. A primigravida (I learned this from Jeopardy on the April 25th episode!) is a woman pregnant for the first time, which is significant because there's so many unknowns, so many new things, so many new challenges like vomiting, peeing more often, hurting in places you don't often hurt, etc. And that's just for the ladies who are sure they're pregnant. For those who are a little unsure about their chances of having a live birth or birth that lasts to the second trimester there are also so many daily troublesome details like HcG levels, daily check of the pee stick to see if the second line of the two lines is getting darker (it usually starts very faint and becomes a thicker stronger line as the days go by), and changes in one's body. I really can't understand men who abandon the women they impregnate and leave them not only to raise the child by herself but also to fend for herself during the pregnancy. The woman has to do all the hard work; the least the man can do is be as supportive as possible, and just be there as if the man was carrying the baby too. That's the real gender equality that we should be talking about: men should be required, if finding out that the child is theirs, to be there for the woman during childbirth too, because that's actually the biggest injustice/ unfair part, even more so than physical differences and social equality issues, is having to carry the baby, and then after the baby born, be the provider of milk, carry the extra weight around, etc. 

Friends of ours have already had their 2nd child, and for every child after the first there's a universal consensus that it's easier, which makes sense: everything that's new is always more vivid, more memorable the first time around, for better or worse. It could be like the first time you have ice cream: you'll remember it fondly forever, but it could also be the first time you go to the dentist: also remember forever but in the "I hope to never do that again" way. I imagine childbirth will be the same: all the pain and and nausea, but those 9 months of suffering hopefully culminate in one shining moment of the first day of parenthood: holding a newborn child in one's arms knowing the baby is yours. There's really no replicating that feeling, and some could say it's the day you build your whole life up for: to provide a new life for someone else so the cycle begins anew. (And then the sleepless nights, spoonfeeding, and changing diapers begins right after that). 

Octopus ( 章鱼, タコ, 문어)

 Over the last week I've decided to cut one type of meat from my diet forever: Octopus. I've eaten octopus before, It doesn't taste that much different from squid or other types of shellfish, but I could tell it was octopus because of the suction cups that were attached to the tentacles. Unfortuantely Japan has a long tradition of eating octopus in a popular street food called "takoyaki," fried octopus balls, and then Chinese poeple are known for eating almost anything, which is where the wet market theory of how Covid started came up (it was bats in that instance). I'm pretty sure I've also seen octopus at select Hmart locations or Chinese supermakets like 99 ranch in one of those pools, although definitely not as prominent as lobsters, crabs, or fish just wading around waiting to be eaten. It's all kind of sad, actually, and makes me wonder whether my hesitance towards eating red meat (I've pretty much cut out most pork, beef, etc. from my diet) should extend to seafood. Just because it feels like there are many more, infinite amounts of shrimp in the ocean doesn't mean I should eat all of them, right? Especially if I have the same hesitancy towards eating other animals. It's tricky, this ethics of eating. 

My resolution came after reading the book "Secrets of the Octopus" by Sy Montgomery, which detailed her experiences with various octopuses throughout her career. Octopuses seem really smart, able to understand concepts like delayed gratification (they did a version of the Stanford marshmallow test on the octopus and they learned to essentially wait and eat 2 marshmallows!) They're also very sense-utilizing creatures in that they try to touch everything around them by getting their tentacles around it, which can be misunderstood as creepy and nefarious but is just their way of understanding what's around them, like MJ touching me constantly for warmth and affection. Octopus also suffer the snake's curse of being a slithering animal that's typically depicted as a villain in our media, usually the bad guy or evil-looking creature (although, not really in Finding Dory the movie) when in fact there's no way an octopus could hurt a human being (it'd have to be a huge octopus to do anything dangerous anyway) except by poison, usually from the blue-ringed octopus; many survive anyway, so it's not like stingrays stinging you or other wild sea creatures that are far more dangerous; 

And it's "octopuses!" Not "octopi!" I learned from Jeopardy that octopuses have 3 hearts.... I guess 2 for backup? More likely because they have more distant places like arms and tentacles to pump the blood to. And they bleed blue. Oh and they cannibalize themselves, sometimes during lovemaking! (The females start eating the males during germinzation). It's a weird thing, learning about how animals have brains and thought processes and emotions, and in the case of elephants, memories that are better than humans. MJ, Emily (my sister) and I went to the zoo over the weekend and the most memorable scene was the elephants in their pen trying to get back indoors where presumably there was food waiting for them. They were all facing the door waiting to let back in, sadly at the whim of humans. Or they were just waiting for food like us humans waiting for McDonald's to open. For the same reason as I wouldn't eat any elephant, I probably won't eat any more octopuses. 

Massage gun

 Of all the devices in our home right now, it's our cell phones that rank as No.1, but No. 2 might go to something not everyone uses: the massage gun. Evidence #6818 that humans are being replaced by machines: even my massages that I give to MJ are not enough; she went out and bought a massage gun. It makes sense though, and I can see why employers around the world are resorting to AI, robots, or some sort of technology to do tasks that humans used to do: Machines don't complain, they don't take breaks, they don't demand wage increases, they don't go on strike, they don't take sick days, they don't need to eat, they don't have emotions. They just do what they're supposed to do. And generally they don't make errors, although there are glitches and malfunctions, so at least for humans they can articulate what the problem is and communicate any solutions, machines could go out of service. But yes that's the problem with humans: we have so many flaws. Machines are so much more efficient, so much less maintenance, so much less dealing with other humans. I find myself often infuriated with and disappointed with humans nowadays as I enter my "old geezer mode"- I see people driving cars who have no business driving cars based on their irresponsible behavior, I see people on the streets begging for money to fund their drug addictions, I know people who I try to call who will never answer the phone, only answering by text or email if they feel like it, sometimes not even that, you know like the original functions of phones as a communication device to communicate with other human beings. I have so many complaints about people! No wonder our friends are everyone's new best friends. 

And massage guns are another new friend that MJ and I can turn to: press a button and it's at our service, no having to buy it dinner, setting a time that is compatible for both parties, risk of cancellation: hit a button and it's ready to go. And it does such a good consistent job: the design of the gun is really slick and easy for holding it in my hand, and it's powered by lithium battery, so no need to change batteries all the time, it's just ready to go, and it can soothe MJ and satisfy her needs much better than I can: I can only do massages and rotate my hands at about 70 rotations per minute (not measured at all, just a guess) while the machine just has a consistent vibration. I've had a knot or some sort of herniated disc in my back for a while now; the massage gun is happy to assist. The massage gun dunks on me consistently in my inferiority as a human because it can keep going forever, but I have to stop and take breaks while holding the gun to MJ's back (or wherever she needs it, nowadays it's the butt because she has to self-inject every morning) because my muscles are sore, while I can see the machine getting antsy and looking at its clock wondering when the heck the puny human is going to be ready to resume working. All our jobs are doomed. It's just a matter of when and how soon humans can create some sort of wealth-accumulating practice that doesn't require jobs, we're just output consumers. 

Final Countdown ( 倒数, 秒読み, 카운트다운)

 One of the things I don't think about much and wouldn't admit to but secretly miss about going to work is the adrenaline rush in the morning of getting to work. Nowadays I just roll out of a bed a few minutes before needing to login to work and start billing hours, but back in the way back days of 2019, I used to go to work EVERY day fron Monday to Friday and every commute was an adventure akin to the bed-to-airport scene (with accompanying music) in Home Alone 2 to see if I could get to work on time, from stressing in the car to worm my my way through traffic, find the last parking spot in a crowded parking lot (usually because I was one of the last ones to make it to work), rush out of the car onto the street, zip in my building and just barely catch the last elevator up to my office before the deadline of needing to be in at work (usually 10AM or so). As stressful as that sounds, part of me really enjoyed that self-imposed stress and living out my own car chase/ high adrenaline movie. Like play pretending to be Keanu Reeves in "Speed" or Tom Cruise in "Mission Impossible," it gave me a jolt to begin the morning that I can't replicate nowadays with my lethargic walk from bedroom to living room and letting my senses just wake themselves up. 

Well I got to relive a little bit of 2019 this past Monday, Tax Day 2024. Usually most of my taxes are done online and I file through TurboTax, but there's one from I needed to send in my direct mail, and I pushed it back to the latest I could, literally the evening of April 15 just an hour before the post office closed. Of course, naive little me went to FedEx first to drop off my envelope, but the lady taking my order took one look at my address and said, "we don't mail to PO Boxes, you gotta go to U.S. Post Office." Alarm bells started going off in my head, but luckily USPS was still open! Maybe in anticipation of it being tax day, they extended their hours to close at 7PM. I could still make it! I just needed to run 1 mile through town in rush hour traffic with an envelope in my hand, probably the exact sort of adventure a small part of me enjoys, maybe someone called "Daredevil Bobby" or "Last-Minute Bobby" who gets into these type of dilemmas on purpose. I rushed to the post office, but of course the line was out the back, probably all people trying to file their taxes. Even the self-service line was 10 people deep! Just to get stamps and stamp your own postage! I picked the lesser of 2 evils, the self-service line, which seemed like a good idea until the first 2 customers took their time figuring out the computer screen, pressing buttons maniacally but never relinquishing their spot. It was at this point I knew I had (screwed) up. It's all fun and games of trying to get somewhere on time, but waiting in line at the mercy of other people takes all the adventure out of it, and just makes me panic. And am I the only one who got shocked by the price of stamps? I remember the last time I bought stamps they were either 29 cents or definitely in the 30s, now they're 68 cents! If only all the stocks I invested in went up like that! How do I buy postage stamp futures? While waiting in line I at least meant some normal people of the world, not seeing people through reality TV glasses, or contrived characters on Netflix shows, or athletes or celebrities saying what they need to say to stay famous or relevant; I met some real working people who have day jobs and don't aspire to do anything but live their lives in peace and not have to pay taxes, or unfortunately in this country, pay as little tax as possible out of already difficult wages to sustain a good lifestyle. 

Trying to make it to work on time, or in my case trying to mail my taxes on the night of the deadline, is like a roller coaster: I'm not necessarily enjoying it when it's happening because there is actually some concern that it'll turn out very badly or the worst outcome can occur, but after it's all done and it turned out OK, looking back it's another memory I'll enjoy. There's a reason I never remembered any of the times I actually spent in the office working or doing the monotonous tasks I did during working hours, but there are definitely particular commuting days I remember where my senses were on full alert due to the self-imposed stress I put myself under. And once in a while, I guess I just myself in those situations again just to feel alive again. With "The Final Countdown" by Europe echoing in my years. 

Prison (监狱, 刑務所, 감옥)

Ever since the pandemic began and lockdown officially began, I've had feelings of being in self-imposed prison: I lock myself at home and stay there all day doing work, never leaving the home. It's a form of prison that society imposes on us: we need to do the work or not get paid, and not getting paid and having no money is not really an option. But then I watch a Netflix series like "Unlocked: A Jail Experiment," and it becomes very clear how much worse real prison is and how terrible I would be in prison. 

I've visited prisons before: Eastern State Penitentiary in Philadelphia, Alcatraz in San Francisco, and Kilmainhaim Gaol in Ireland: all turned into tourist attractions, so none of the bad smell, none of the punishments, none of the actually being there day in and day out with no vacations. The first thing I would hate about jail is the confined spaces: jails are narrow, the rooms are tiny, and you're sharing bathrooms with lots and lots of other people. You're reading the blog of a guy who used to not care that much about bathrooms, but has gotten used to my own bathroom and the convenience of it as well as the cleanliness of it that I no longer brush off using public restrooms like it's no problem: I actively try to avoid it as much as I can. People are pretty disgusting, which brings up the second problem of being in a prison: the prison are pretty bad. The "Unlocked" series tries to humanize some of the inmates and let them talk directly to the camera like giving a confessional on Survivor, but then you realize these people are being locked up for domestic violence, drugs, gang activity, and major felonies even murder. As much as some of them are OK and Hollywood has glorified certain inmates like in "The Shawshank Redemption" and Michael Clarke Duncan's character in the "Green Mile," most of inmates have some serious problems and are a danger to others. Fights happen all the time just because someone doesn't like the way you look or talk, or you're part of the wrong "gang," or you took someone's spot. As much as I try to say the right thing and have good social awareness, I still do talk a lot and often would run afoul of someone's sensitivities. Third worst thing is not being able to go anywhere! I saw some chess sets and books in the prison series, but that collection was really insuffiicent. And no cell phones! I think most people in this generation would agree it would be a good interent detox for a few days, but then you'd start really missing knowing what's out there in the world, easy access to talking to other people. I think if you put some of today's youth in jail but promised food and water and basic amenities PLUS unlimited internet and wifi on a cell phone, some would be OK with that. 

The worst part of prison, though, for me, is the masculine energy of challenging each other to physical confrontations. Perhaps because I'm weak and never fought anyone in my life, but the masculine thing of needing to settle things by fighting is deeply ingrained in the males, and every conflict is approached with the nuclear threat of "I'll beat your ass." To me it's a very primative way of deciding who's right in a situation or even conflict resolution, but there's still a large swath of the population who never went to college and are not amenable to having debates or settling something with words; they'll resort to fighting, and much like fighting in pre-civilized societies, it's usually the biggest or the most violent/quickest who win fights. I'd lose every single time and be on the bottom rung. It's sad but true: many men, even those who are very very educated, crave that sort of phyiscal confrontation and as an outlet. That's why UFC, which just had its landmark UFC 300 event this past weekend, is so popular and can afford to make its best fighters millionaires: even sports are not enough to quench the male thirst for competition and combat; it isn't just settled on the field now, it has to be settled in a ring or cage and end with one person standing victorious over the other. That's what wins for men, and what wins in prison. Keep me away from that life as much as possible. Prison? No thank you. 

Mohawk (莫霍克/ 鸡冠头, モヒカン刈り, 모히칸)

 Truly one of my biggest regrets of my first 37 years of life is that I didn't try out some crazy hairstyle for just a week or so and take some pictures. I've always had the same boring hairstyle, part of a boring lifestyle that was instilled in me by my genes, personality, my parents' way of raising me, and especially my grandfather. My grandfather would be like the opposite of a mohawk: don't stand out, do the same thing over and over every day, no changes in routine, go to sleep at the same time every day, get the same haircut every time. It's the Asian way: there's a reason you don't see any Asian people with Mohawks, in fact I don't see a really good translation or one set one in Chinese, some online called it a "鸡冠头" or like a cockscomb, which is kind of a good description of a mohawk. 

I actually thought about shaving my hair bald at one time in my life just to see what it would look like, but the problem for me is that my head is shaped weird enough as it is, I don't really want to draw even more attention to it as it is, and I also look awkward in a hat (I've tried it) so there's really no covering it up if something went awry. The reason mohawk came to mind is there's a dynamic duo of former Jeopardy contestants TJ Tallie and Dave Rapp calling themselves the "Brohawks" that run their own Youtube channel now, and I wonder if I should try to go after that look to get on TV. It would be inauthentic and untrue to my actual personality, but if I've learned anything about TV over the years it's that no matter how much people tell you "just be yourself" which works for like job interviews or meeting your father-in-law, it doesn't work for TV, TV you need to be an exaggerated version of yourself with emotive facial expressions, flashy clothing, things that set you apart from the crowd, especially if you're not naturally attractive or have something physically distinctive about you. That's just how the TV game works, even an "intellectual" show like Jeopardy, they exist to entertain, and something about a mohawk definitely helps with that, even if you're the most acadmeic, nonexpressive, emotionless, monotonous-voice sounding person, if you show up with a mohawk on national TV, people will pay attention, and you'll be memorable. It's that simple, and I wouldn't have remembered the "Brohawks" as contestants if they didn't have a mohawk. 

So yea I gotta get something like a mohawk, if not just outright stealing their idea. Groovy looking glasses is a new trend in Jeopardy, but I'm not sure it works for me, I'd just revert back to my nerdy ways (nerdy, overweight, and wearing glasses is probably the worst combination for a middle school child to have in middle school through high school, for the record, and probably contributed to my lack of self-esteem, and almost all of my social problems and inability to be confident about anything). I'm not doing earrings, flashing gang signs, or any other blatantly obvious trick, so it might just have to be my hair. Hmmm. 

But not just for Jeopardy purposes, I do wish I had gone through a phase, maybe like a year or two, of just a completely different lifestyle: off the grid, living in the wild, being a completely different person with different interests and different looks, than what I do now. It would have really divided up my life from the monotony, but then again if I did that I wouldn't be who I am today, I may have just transformed into that person, instead of Robert I would be "Bobby the Goblin" or some surfing name or Mr. Yanagi if I had moved to Japan for a year and just lived there. I could have taken chances when I was younger, fallen flat on my face and then gotten back up again. Now it's a little too late to do all those things I thought I might want to do that I can't think of now because honestly, I probably didn't want to do them all that badly and probably would have given it up pretty quickly and thought it a waste of time. But I still have time to pull off one mohawk........

Out of body experience (出体体验, 幽体離脱体験, 유체이탈 경험)

 People who do mushrooms and DMTs often praise their effectiveness in providing an out-of-body experience, opening your mind to new things and providing new understandings of the world and making you feel more connected with the universe. If what I had was an out-of-body experience this past Saturday night, I am NEVER doing mushrooms. 

At the ill-fated party in Cabo, I downed quite a few drinks beforehand (we were instructed to take a shot of bourbon as soon as we took our seats, which I regarded suspectly and which prefaced a pretty raucous night) but then various rounds of alcohol started making their way around the very small circle of poeple partaking in the drinking of that alcohol (the parents' babies started moving out of the party). There was also a Johnnie Walker Black Label bottle that was floated around for consumption, and out of an abundance of breaking out of a somber mood I challenged myself (always a bad idea with alcohol) to finish the bottle of Johnnie Walker before the night was over. It was good for 10 or 20 minutes! I praised the smoothness by which the Johnnie Walker went down, not even needing coke to mix in as a rum-and coke (or jack-and-coke drink) and also because I didn't want the caffeine to keep me up all night, and had a nice buzz going but felt totally alert, in control of myself. The straw that broke the camel's back, however, was yet another round of shots that was wheeled around (it's apparently very easy and convenient for people to buy rounds of shots at an open bar or all-inclusive resort) and also because last call was at 10PM for a family-oriented establishment, trying to get us out of the bar area so nearby hotel guests could go to sleep at a reasonable hour. That last shot was likely the one that tipped me over, and the blood-alcohol level really spiked to uncontrollable levels. 

The worst thing about being intoxicated is the loss of control over one's body; even when I'm sick or feeliing dizzy on a plane, or haven't gotten enough sleep all day and feel miserable, at least I feel in control, like I could ask my brain to move my foot and it would do it, no problem. That wasn't the case Saturday night. I didn't feel like I could even open my eyes, much less control my body to get up or move anything else. It was like a lucid dream, not that I was trying desperately to move but just couldn't, it was that I was in some other world where moving wasn't really an option, it just wasn't something. I also felt irrational thoughts, like paranoaia and deep concern for something but not panic bells like my hair was on fire or I needed to pee real bad or anything, it was just a bit of a dread taht the world was ending, or life was ending, and a deep conviction that I never wanted to feel this one way again. In many ways of feeling like an "astral projection," I did feel like I was floating above my physical body, like I had left it briefly and wasn't in charge of that body, I was just something else in space. Thinking back now, wow that was some seriously strong Johnnie Walker or shots. Or was it? I kept thinking that somebody had drugged the alcohol, put some DMTs in there or other hallucinogens that was causing me to lose my mind, but the next day I didn't hear of anyone else suffering as badly as I did, so maybe I just took it really poorly? 

If I don't go back to Mexico again for a while, I'll be OK. Nothing against the country, but visiting areas in Mexico with heavy presence of U.S. tourists always reminds me of how the rest of the world must see the wretched excesses of American culture, yet they are forced to cater to them because the tremendous wealth they bring to regions with their tourism money. Mexicans in Cabo treated us all with respect like addressing me as "senor" and greeting with "hola," but it all felt like a forced level of hospitality and gratitude, like a reverse "Get Out" situation where they secretely hated us for being able to take a vacation like this when they had to work in their country and get paid low wages, that we were only there for the weekend or however long we wanted to be there but then could just go back home, while they were stuck there for the foreseeable future. The level of resentment, if not outright derision, was not apparent but definitely boiled beneath the surface. They were definitely NOT happy for us, as opposed to U.S. places might at least commiserate with other U.S. people being on equal footing, it's just pretty depressing being among that atmophere. Although I know this type of thing happens anyway even if I'm an ostrich putting my head in the sand, I just don't consider it vacation to visit those type of places when the feeling of superiority and inferiority hangs in the air. 

Paul Giamatti

 On my way to Cabo San Lucas for a vow renewal this weekend I saw another Paul Giamatti movie (this guy is everywhere!) called The Holdovers which was on all the lists for Acadamy Nominations and other accolades, and part fo the reason was Paul Giamatti was playing.....Paul Giamatti (random fact, Paul Giamatti's dad was the President of Yale University at one point and also the commissioner of the MLB). I've seen him play different roles, of course, but he's at the top of his powers in the type of roles he shows off in Holdovers, a middle-aged man with intellect and redeemable qualities but often the butt of jokes because of his bumbling, non-athletic build and ticked off reactions and getting stuck in awkward situations. Hilarity ensues. He really reminded me of his seminal role in Sidways (I'm not drinking any Merlot!) 20 years ago in which he played essentially the same character, except he was....(checks wikipeda) just 36 years old back then! So my age! I can totally relate. People said I looked like I was 40 years old when I was 18, so i get it, although I've never had such a dad bod as Paul that made me look really old. 

In my ways I symathize with Paul's friends: the few friends he does have, it's hard for him to keep because he's eccentric, and also that's just how the world works: everyone wants to gravitate towards the better-looking, more active poeple who like to have fun and are down to do anything with friends. And it's also partly Paul's characters (aka my fault) for creating distance with friends because I'm too sensitive to this very thing and reject others before they reject me. This weekend at my friends' wedding, I realized how sometimes this happens gradually without even realizing it. I had always just thoguht being physically distant from these friends was just a symptom of the pandemic and the new normal, but the pandemic could only be an excuse for so long, and as time went they slowly drifted away and spent more time with other friends and developed stronger bonds, pushing me down the hierarchy and rankings that I had taken so long to build up over the course of many years. it's a lonely feeling seeing other people give speeches at weddings who are more trusted confidantes of those friends now and have the friends go to every other group of friends except you, indicating their affinity for talking to anyone but you. It's just a reminder to me that as easy as some people have it of making friends, I have to work harder just to keep friends because I'm not the most magnifying person to be friends with, I have to bring some value to a friendship and if it's not being there often, supplying jokes, checking in, being close enough to see each other on more than a once-a-year basis, then others may just choose to go have fun with someone else. 

I then got really drunk and had about 10 minutes of not caring and trouble-free dancing and partying, but then the alcohol hit in full force soon after and I was crumpled in a corner, not being able to move with the help of MJ dragging me up to the hotel room and dumping me on the bed semi-nude without even taking off my socks. I then woke up later in a pool of my own vomit on the bed. Sigh. Yes, I was basically Paul Giamatti in every other scene in Sideways. 

The Golden Horde (金帐汗国, 黄金の大群, 황금 무리)

 Today's Final Jeopardy answer was the Golden Horden, a very famous group in the 1200s and 1300s functioning in the northwestern sector of the Mongol Empire. A common misconception, the Golden Horde wasn't led by Genghis Khan or Kublai Khan, it was established AFTER the split of the Mongol Empire by a descendant of Genghis (aren't we all?) Batu Khan. How easy was it to just spread out over a whole continent and claim large swaths of land back in the day? They apparently made it out to the Urals, the Caspian Sea and even the Black Sea. 

The Golden Horde reminds me of that saying that half of Asia (or is it China) can claim to be some percentage of descendant from Genghis Khan (I might be one too! Never confirmed with 23andme or heritage.com or anything, don't have the official stamp). He is well known along with Nick Cannon as one of the most prolific progenitors in the history of the world. How was it that easy for him? Well, I assume he had children with a lot of different women, something that would be frowned upon today (although not unheard of) and he must have just had a different mindset about it: Be fruitful and multiply, as they say, although Genghis Khan probably never saw the Bible in his life. No, I believe Genghis Khan believed in the old saying of the more sons the better and better to conquer other countries with. It was just different back then, the world was unclaimed, open to anyone, and you just needed to be the fiercest and most ambitious to succeed. Nowadays, the world is mapped out, your life is mostly pre-determined based on who your parents were, what your intelligence is, where you began life (with exceptions of course). But my point is that sense of conquering the world is gone, or at least needing many children to conquer the world, that you succeeded at life if you hae many many children, the more the merrier. People at least in the United States (and certainly not a bunch of Asian countries) think like that anymore- it's just the financial cost of raising kids and the double-whammy of the opportunity cost of spending the rest of your life indentured to your child(ren) that really daunts potential parents, including MJ and me. 

In South Korea it is really an extinction event: adults are just not having kids anymore. More than Covid-19, more than AI, more than aging population, it's the No. 1 issue for the country: people just don't want to have kids anymore, so in 50 years South Korea's population is going to shrink drastically, and then likely THOSE kids will not want to have kids neither, and then......who knows what will happen to "Daehan Minguk," as the Koreans call themselves. I don't blame them; I really don't. This weekend in Boston I hung out with old college friends, none of whom had kids and had the time and freedom to go to Boston, and none of the old college friends with kids were able to make the trip. It's kind of epitome of having kids: you're stuff with the kids for the foreseeable future, and as MJ puts it so ominously sometimes, FOREVER. As much as I want kids and have decided on at least having one child (to test it out, like I'm sampling a dessert or something) it's really the biggest plunge you can take in the oceans of the unknown: more than a mortgage, more than marriage, more than a career. Having kids is a lifelong pledge that you can't get out of: delinquancy, divorce, and quitting are solutions for backint out of the previous 3. I can think of a bunch of reasons right now off the top of my head why NOT to have kids: extra mouth to feed, kids nowadays have access to smartphones which make them dumb, uncertain future of the world, loss of free time where I already have a hectic enough life as it is, concerns about bullying if my kid gets bullied like I did when I was a kid, etc., etc. These are not trivial concerns, and I wish it was just clear sailing. 
Yet, as much as those concerns damper the possibility of parenthood, I'm still hoping for the best for the latest attempt by MJ and I to join the ranks of parents. I don't want a Golden Horde, I just want one Golden Baby! Who needs a Horde, that one baby can conquer the world!