The Art of Trolling

 

a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people,^[1] by posting inflammatory,^[2] extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community (such as a newsgroup, forum, chat room, or blog) with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into an emotional response^[3] or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion

I am not great at trolling. I didn’t even know what the word meant until a few years ago, but I have been schooled in the art and etiquette of trolling by some friends and fantasy sports opponents, especially one “Demolition Derek” that I had mentioned from before.

Lessons I learned from Derek:

1.)    Hit at something the victim really cares about or has shown concern about in the past, whether it’s fantasy baseball,  their favorite sports team, or even their favorite kind of ice cream. Allowing the trolling response to “hit home” causes the most damage.

2.)    Be relentless. Never give up trolling even if someone retaliates.

3.)    Never concede anything. To give in to others’ trolling is to lose something from your own trolling.

4.)    Target as large of pool of victims as possible. The more people you upset, the more responses and discussion you might get.

5.)    Keep a list of inside jokes that the forum/ discussion board that you are trolling even if those jokes are not immediately applicable; they will come in handy later as useful ammunition to fire off at victims.

6.)    Choose victims who are easily offended and most likely to need to retaliate to inflammatory attacks

Honestly, I feel that trolling has become hand in hand with fantasy leagues: Just as smack talk and “my team is better than yours!” are essential to drawing in people’s interest and making them care about the outcome of a league, trolling makes others at the very least want to beat the troll into submission and if successfully disseminated to a wide audience, could have the worthwhile result of engaging the whole league in all-out warfare and shouting matches which is the ultimate prize for a troll. I think that if done right and with the right intentions (to get people engaged, not just to upset people), trolling is very healthy and even required in fantasy leagues. I, as a fledgling troll just learning his craft, am starting to embrace my role and relish in building up my tact and become a professional internet troll.

Great ways to troll your fantasy league:

1.)    Write a “all your team names suck!” post and dissect why you despise every team name that managers have chosen.

2.)    Find out which teams each of your leaguemates root for and detail why that team has no chance at winning the championship in their respective sport.

3.)    Write a “why I am the best” monologue full of put-downs and

4.)    Write a “what I like about all your teams” message but add satirical “compliments” about your opponents’ teams like, “The one thing you can count on from New Orleans Saints is that they’ll choose one reliable RB and stick him with…” (obvious reference to Pierre Thomas’s lack of usage) or “I really like that X team will be healthy all year especially with Troy Tulowitzki and Hanley Ramirez.”

 

The preceding was a cover letter for application to the Internet Troll Guild of America, my resume is attached.

Btw, I learned today that “whistleblower” is举报人 in Chinese and 内部告発 (Naibu kokuhatsu). Very important term in the legal field and especially in my line of work. It’s a universal term that pervades through all cultures as there’s whistelblowing-worthy activity throughout the world. Trolling, however, is much more American than other cultures, as there’s really no set term in Chinese and Japanese, as it is justトローリング in Japanese (they farmed it from English and the pronunciation is strictly based off the English word).

 

Fantasize on,

 

Robert Yan

 

Sports Fans Superstitions

Around this time of year, or really any time, because there are sports seasons ending at any time of the year, fans engage in superstitions “to help their team win.” I don’t really believe in it, and I’ve really never seen any confirmation that it works, but alas, people engage in them. At some point it isn’t just blind faith of carrying on an effective method anymore, it’s just fun to engage in a practice that you think might help the team but more importantly shows to others that you believe in something.

It’s also indicative of what things (or sporting teams) you really care about when you perform these superstitions, a sort of sign that says, “I care about my team so much that I’m willing to go to these lengths to help them win.” For me, that’s my fantasy team, and sometimes my dodgeball teams.

 

Superstitions I engage in:

1.)    Keeping a beard for the entire playoff season/ not shaving. This, of course, can be damaging to one’s job status, and I always defer to my livelihood first.

2.)    Eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every day. Well, actually, this is because I try to go on diets/ am cheap sometimes.

3.)    Try not to step on cracks in the sidewalk. It just feels weird. And it’s easily avoidable.

4.)    I haven’t done this before, but I’m gonna stop dropping fantasy players (baseball or football) while they’re still in the game as this leads to bad karma/ doing even worse. (Usually I do this out of spite because I  am so disgusted with that player’s performance, usually a pitcher who is just getting destroyed miserably).

5.)    Following the same routine when on a hot streak. If things are going well, I do believe in repeating the same process, not letting things get out of whack. Even the slightest things can mess with one’s mojo, like eating something too spicy, waking up at the right time, etc.

6.)    Not turning off a game until it’s over

7.)    Not watching a game. The flip side to No. 6, when good things are happening when I’m not watching a game, I try to do that. It’s really selective memory, I admit.

8.)    Wearing the shirt/ jersey of the team that you’re rooting for. Feels like you’re “part of the team.”

 

Superstitions totally not true:

1.      Crows/Blackbirds cawing means bad luck. I would probably have bad luck every day of my life because these guys literally live outside of my house, can’t avoid them.

2.      Walking under ladders- tempted fate and fate didn’t punish me.

3.      Crossing paths with a black cat-

4.      The number 13- I select this number without thinking every time, whether it’s working on the 13^th floor, picking numbers out of a hat, etc. Not a big deal.

Weirdest superstitions I’ve ever heard of:

1.)    Wearing the same pair of socks over and over again – doesn’t that just get smelly?

2.)    Seeing Josh Reddick literally rubbing other players’ beards for good luck ( 2 guys at the same time, Stephen Vogt and Eric Sogard, I believe). Kind of weird, really.

 

Fantasize on,

Robert Yan

Oakland Raiders game

 

My first NFL football game was worth the price of admission. I was visiting San Francisco with some friends and attended the game with friend of the blog and former law school classmates “Metallica Alf” and “Spursblitz.” Having heard the reputation for rowdiness at Oakland Colisseum, I arrived early to make sure to actually get in the stadium without much ruckus. On the pretty-efficient BART system, I saw a family with grandma and kids attending the game, making it seem like a safe environment. Nothing terrible here, I thought; it’s like a Sunday afternoon baseball game!

As soon as I got off at the Colisseum station, a drunk/excited/overexuberant man in an Oakland Raiders jersey hopped up and down at the walkway entrance to the stadium, stating, “Welcome Houston Texans fans (the opponent) to Oakland, CA. Your safety is not guaranteed!” This was interspersed within shouts of RAIIIIIIIIIIIDERS!!!!!! and general insobriety. Several people were arrested before the game. I walked into the stadium without any Raiders gear or black/silver gear on, a mistake I immediately tried to remedy by buying an Oakland Raiders shirt at the nearest concession, for fear of being branded an enemy of the state.

Individuals wearing Houston Texans gear were heckled, but the biggest instigator was a 5-person crew including a man wearing a Frank Gore San Francisco 49ers jersey. This man was not treated kindly, and neither was his entourage. Oddly, he seemed to welcome the attention as he calmly strode up the stairs to his seat through a sea of black, all giving him the middle finger and yelling “You suck!” at the top of their lungs. That’s one way to draw a crowd, I guess. Predictably, the man and his crew were challenged to a fight against some ardent Raiders fans (luckily sitting a few rows behind me) and got into a physical alteration, with lots of pushing and shoving, a man wearing a hippie shirt and long hair yelling “just let it go!” and hoots and hollering of “Beat his @$$!” that detracted from my enjoyment of the game. Eventually, security arrived and “escorted” the offenders away in handcuffs, answering definitely the question, “Is it a good idea to wear a 49ers jersey to a Raiders game?”

The actual game itself was one-sided from the start. The Texans received the opening kickoff and went right down the field, culminating in a 50-yard TD run by Arian Foster that was called down at the 1 and repeated from 1 yard out by Foster. At the end of the 3^rd quarter it was 27-0. Derek Carr, Oakland’s rookie QB, looked inaccurate, insecure, and overmatched. Coupled with Houston’s much improved defense, and the game was a blowout from the beginning.

Metallica Alf and Spursblitz were pretty calm and nonplussed about the whole exchange, suggesting to me they had a.) dealt with this sort of antagonism before and b) had heard from friends the reputation of Oakland Raiders games. Upon review on facebook, some acquaintances indicated that this behavior was “relatively” mild at Raiders games and that it would have been worse around the Black Hole, the stadium’s most famous area with the most ardent fans. Certainly from my perspective the environment seemed calm at first but turned hostile and aggressive as the game went on and people started getting aggravated by the play on the field, with the equivalent of a new prison inmate from a rival gang acting as a catalyst for violence.

I visited Alcatraz Island beforehand, and the running joke was that I wasn’t sure which facility held the most convicts at one point, Alcatraz or O.Co Stadium. The applicable Japanese phrase here was

郷に入らば郷に従え, meaning "do as the Romans do." When going to Oakland Colisseum on Raiders game day, do as other Raiders fans do. Do not heckle, harass, badger, or instigate in any way.

 

Overall, the day was tampered by heat, lack of Raiders offense, and multiple physical altercations, but I’m certain that I’ll never forget my first NFL football game, thus making it worth the price of admission. There will probably be more NFL football games I will attend in the future, just never again at the Oakland Colissuem.

 

Fantasize on,

Robert Yan

Puppy Love

Recently I filled out a trademark application for a relative from China. All things considered, it’s actually relatively simple: everything’s done online, you need certain product information and the trademark logo that you’re attempting to trademark, and all the different classes of products (like if your product’s a lawn mower, you gotta include lawn mowers, blades, equipment, machinery, heavy machinery, motor equipment, etc.) o and about $300 or so, and then you’re all set. You sign off as the attorney of record (O that’s what I went through 3 years of law school and continue to pay $400 in bar fees every year for!) and just click submit. Not terribly difficult, time consuming, or confusing. Hopefully. Now there’s a 6-month waiting process for the USPTO to go through checks to see if the trademark’s already taken (it’s not, you can research and look it up online before you try to get your own logo approved). I am by no means an intellectual property attorney or anything of that sort nor do I have expertise in those matters before this, but I do have access to a computer and high-speed internet, $300, and can read basic instructions, so it worked out.

 This post is not about loving dogs or puppies. Sorry.

What I really wanted to cover, though, was a little thing called “puppy love.” I was introduced to this concept in 5^th grade when I liked a girl in my class and wrote little notes to her and tried to talk to her as much as possible. She did not like me back and I eventually moved on. Pretty natural, I think I went over this already, but the Japanese equivalent is片思い (kataomoi), or unrequited love.

The problem is, 16 years later, I STILL go through bouts of puppy love. I meet someone, I get started talking to them, and then later on I reflect, “Wow I kind of like this person.” Back in 5^th grade, the catalyst threshold for puppy love was very low: O that person’s cute. Actually I would argue that in the dating world that threshold basically still exists for a lot of different people, but my threshold is a little different: the target of my recent affection talked a lot to me, laughed profusely (best thing about her was her sense of humor, I think), was objectively physically attractive, did a bunch of sports, and sang karaoke love song duet with me (twice! I know, right, twice! That’s gotta mean something!)

3  things that are sure signs I’m in puppy love status:

1.)    I think about the target of my affection a lot (not weird thoughts, sickos) but in terms of “OO it’d be nice if we could go on so-and-so date…no seriously, this is what I think of. I often think I’m a woman in a man’s body in terms of men-women relationships.

2.)    I get awkward and can’t think of what to say when I actually have to meet target of my affection in person.

3.)    I start trying to “go to the same things” as the target of my affection. Sounds stalkerish, but I feel like these are things a lot of people do.

4.)    I get jealous of other guys who talk to target of my affection.

5.)    Recently, a big one: I think she’s interested. My standards for liking someone have evolved over the years due to so many rejections that anyone who expresses interest in me and appreciates who I am automatically goes up.

 

6 things that totally deflate my puppy love/ kataomoi:

1.)    The target of my affection is pretty clearly being hit on by other guys. I don’t like that kind of competition, because I often lose.

2.)    The target of my affection does something I disapprove of, and I sober up and think, “Hey it’s not that great of a fit after all.” Doesn’t happen that often, I usually justify it off in some way or think I’m being too picky.

3.)    I realize there is a large age disparity between myself and the target of my affection and think (prematurely because I haven’t even gotten to asking that person out yet, duh) that it would never work out.

4.)    I see the target of my affection doing something with other guys on facebook.

5.)    I see the target of my affection seeming to give another guy more affection/ seems to be interested in them.

6.)    The target of my affection gives pretty evident confirmation that she’s not interested. This is the big one and the most devastating one. It all becomes clear in o-so-painful fashion that this is more friends territory than anything, or she’s just that way to all guys, or she was inebriated that one night and not thinking clearly, or she likes someone else already, etc., etc. etc. The realist in me

After the puppy love period is over and it actually resolves pretty quickly; I move on to other targets. If I haven’t summoned up the courage to ask previous target of my affection or came to my senses quickly enough, I keep some hope in the back burner for an eventual “start-as-friends-evolve-to-more” stuff, but I don’t think that’s ever worked.   

I recently came to the conclusion that how relationships occur (and eventually marriages) is that puppy love matches up and the target of your affection has you as a target for their affection. Then things go a lot smoother and a lot more quickly. The problem for me is widening that pool of people who have me as the target of their affection. I do think that that pool was open and actually contained a few girls in the history of my existence, but not sure if it’s winter season now or something but no one’s currently swimming in it, and no one’s definitely sharing that pool with Robert’s pool of affection. At some point, Robert might have to decrease the exclusivity of that pool (even though I don’t think the standards are that high right now, like 1.) has job, 2.) does something sporty, and 3.) laughs at my jokes once in a while) in order to satisfy the higher-ups (aka my mother).

Fantasize on,

Robert Yan

Violin 懐かしい (Nostalgia)

バイオリン

I’ve been playing violin (バイオリン in Japanese) for somewhere around 20 years now. It all started when my parents took me into the study at our house one day and explained, “here’s a violin, Robert.” And so it began. I  took violin lessons all throughout elementary and high school, participating in orchestras, duets, concerts, recitals, plays, school assemblies, civic orchestra performances, you name it. My crowning achievement, I guess, I wrote about a few years ago: playing in an orchestra that performed at the Walt Disney Concert Hall in downtown L.A. (twice).

Recently, I accidentally left my violin in my car on a hot day and parked outside. BIG mistake. First rule of violin storage: always store in a cool place. The violin fingerboard (the long black part) warped, and now I need to bring it in for repairs. Yikes. My violin is the closest thing to a family heirloom that the Yans have. We bought it when I was in high school for $7,500 as an investment into my future.

I guess just a parenting lesson for my future self: Don’t’ forcefeed our kids into doing what the parent wants them to do. My dad is a big violin fan and classical music fan and played violin himself, so it’s natural that he wanted to me to play violin and become good. And it was very well intentioned; totally understand why he did that. However, those years of training me to become a violin prodigy did not match with my interests nor my ability: I was never terribly musically gifted and didn’t want to be a violinist; I would have done better during that time to hit a million tennis balls, or get better at chess (my real high school passion, although it certainly looks pretty nerdy now) and really allow me to compete during high school. (Note to future self: Don’t force-feed kids into doing competitive spelling, if that’s even around by then, in hopes of winning the National Spelling Bee just because I didn’t get to do it).

I used to think this one and blamed my parents. However, my violin ability is really good and I can at any point pick up a violin (if it’s not warped and deformed due to my own negligence, that is) and play in a semi-decent orchestra, partly because there’s always a need for more violins. I can play various scales and have various music from all kinds of performances I’ve given. I’ve met various other violinists, cellists, violists, drummers, singers, and other music people that have similar stories and learned a lot from them. I cherish the times I played violin in high school and played an essential part in the high school musicals that they performed (I was part of the pit) My fondest memory of playing violin is not necessarily the grandest stages or the most nerve-wracking solos or recitals playing by myself, but giving holiday benefit concerts at hospitals for kids to enjoy, playing Christmas songs and whatnot. That’s what it’s all about, and I owe a lot to being able to play violin.

I currently don’t play violin much anymore and have not played in any orchestras for a while (including the most recent L.A. Lawyers Philharmonic) due to pursuing other things (like learning Japanese, for example) and playing dodgeball. I think I’ve made the right choice there because my athletic ability will wane much earlier than my music ability (and sitting ability), and to a lesser extent my ability to learn language, but it’s also good to take time off to really miss doing something. However, no matter what, I’ll always remember my violin-playing days (kinda sounds like the Wild, Wild West) fondly and come back to it when the time is right.

What’s something that you used to do as a kid/ didn’t really like but now cherish? Have you thought about getting back to dabbling in it?

 

Fantasize on,

Robert Yan

Life Evaluation

Today I introduce a very simple concept: Life Evaluation, a performance evaluation for one’s life……….after one’s life ends! Putting aside all of the different religious beliefs out there, and thoughts about afterlife or whatnot, I always hope that one day, right after my life ends, my soul (or spirit, or consciousness, or whatever), gets pulled into the proverbial “film room” and some sort of old football-coach type entity just goes over everything I’ve done in my life and evaluates. Particularly interesting for me is “what I should have done” in certain situations and how those things would have turned out had I chosen that path. For example, what if I had gone to law school in St. Louis instead of L.A., what if I had decided to take that job in a different city, what if I had summoned the confidence needed to ask a certain girl out. The Life Evaluation coach would then show all the footage of what actually occurred, and you can see what went wrong.

Of course, it wouldn’t be all negative. There was that time you selected Shaun Alexander in drafts instead of Edgerrin James…win! There was that time you resisted temptation and turned down drugs, and (hopefully numerous) times when you actually gave time/money to charity instead of pursuing your own selfish desires.

I guess I’m just overwhelmed by all the choices in one’s life and the “What if?” scenarios. For me, fantasy baseball presents me with tons of decisions, but I get a pretty clear evaluation of how I did by, say, the end of the season. But in life, making decisions does not give such clear-cut answers, and often the questions/ results we want to ask/know the most are the ones that can cost the most. I envy those people with “no regrets” because they take the path that they most want to take all the time and don’t look back……I don’t do that because I’m often worried about the consequences/ am always thinking about alternatives. It’s a tough game to play, and often you don’t even know if you’re winning or losing. I just hope there’s a Life Evaluation at the end where I can find out.

 

Fantasize on,

 

Robert Yan

Fantasy Football Amusement Park

Welcome to the 2014 Fantasy Football Amusement Park Preview! I am your tour guide, Robert “DaMan” Yan, and I’d like to give you a sneak preview of what we have in store for your enjoyment this season at the amusement park, opening Thursday with an epic clash between the Packers and the Seahawks!

 

Our main attraction this season is the Triple QB cannon, where you can get fired out of a cannon by any of the top guns of Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, or Aaron Rodgers. There’s a lot of interest for this ride though, and everyone’s clamoring to get onto this ride, so we commend that if you don’t want to spend too much time (or spend to high of a draft pick), go to the Trampoline Terrace where the almost-as potent- QB’s Tony Romo, Tom Brady, and Matthew Stafford wait and can be a great experience especially on select matchup and weather-friendly Sundays.

 

On a cool day, who doesn’t want to go down the lazy river? Dependable, non-threatening, and relaxing, it’s pretty reliable to get on the Jimmy Graham bandwagon and let it roll. There are no other water rides (or good TEs) at the amusement park, so if you like water rides and reliability at the TE position, hop on the Jimmy Graham express.

 

Down for reconstruction last year but opening up again are the Arian Foster and Doug Martin rides. Explosive and thrilling, these rides can be just as satisfying as the other premium rides on the park like the Beastquake or the Shady Shalom (LeSean McCoy), so make sure to consider giving them a whirl if they’re free.

 

The Antonio Gates ride (a wooden coaster from the way-back machine) is unfortunately being retired after this season, but all the more reason to enjoy in its last season! Nostalgic parkgoers can take solace in the fact Gates still has some juice left in those wheels, and you’ll still get some TDs (G’s) regardless.

 

If you like a bumping bruising, and generally knocking people around, look no further than the Shonn Greene and Chris Ivory Bumper Cars, which stake much of their value on being able to bowl people over. Not recommended for those with an affinity for aerial delights (PPR leagues).

Speaking of air, you’ll get plenty of it with Michael Floyd and DeAndre Hopkins, some of our newest but more unheralded up-and-coming rides. We anticipate them getting plenty of attention as the season moves along and parkgoers understand how fast and athletic these rides are, despite ride operators (quarterbacks) who aren’t the most trustworthy of hired hands (Carson Palmer, Ryan Fitzpatrick- for now)

 

Finally, if there’s one treat you want to get before you leave the park as a supplement to the great experience you had with everything else, let it be the cotton candy that is Danny Woodhead. Small but nimble, the Woodhead flavor of running and sneaking and darting through your taste buds will leave you with great memories, even if the candy gets dropped on the ground after a while (injury risk).

We here at the Fantasy Football Amusement Park 2014 hope you have a great experience here at the park in 2014 and hope these rides will actually work out for you (as opposed to yesteryear when they didn’t really and I lost a lot of legitimacy!)

Fantasize on,

 

Robert Yan  

US Bank Tower Building

Yesterday (Labor Day) marked the start of my 8^th straight month working in the U.S. Tower Building. The U.S. Bank Tower, as I often brag to my parents because I don’t have much else to brag about regarding my dating life (what they really care about), is the tallest building in L.A. and really an architectural masterpiece. If you’ve never seen it, you can’t miss it: It’s a seashell-white building that has a large “US Bank” sign on the top and can be seen from literally almost anywhere in L.A.

 

Unlike some other areas of L.A., the US Bank Tower is in the middle of a great area, on the corner of 5^th and Flower. Surrounded by other large office buildings like the Gas Tower, the Wells Fargo Building, the Paul Hastings Building, it is right across the way from the L.A. Library. The first 4 floors are surrounded by a scenic Spanish-style staircase complete with outdoor escalator and a running fountain, and the front reception area is really homely and talks about the history of L.A.

So yea, I like working in my building. Working in a tall office building may seem pretentious or unnecessary now in the digital age, but I do feel like it gives employees a sense of purpose, that you’re “going into work” every day and there to serve a purpose and that you should do what you can to help one’s client/do the best job that one can. I’ve been in all different kind of work environments, ranging from out in the wild at a summer camp to a school to a warehouse in Duarte to my own apartment in my underwear, and I must say I enjoy the office building environment the best. To get a keycard to enter the building as a monthly employee makes you feel like you’ve kind of made it in life, that you’re an accepted part of society.

Getting to and leaving the US Bank building every work day, though, is tough. There’s traffic in every single direction. Why don’t you just live in downtown? One might ask. Ahh, well that’s where they get you to, because the housing prices are the most expensive in downtown. Veterans of the rat race will learn sneaky times to leave the office or wait for later and time their going and getting, but between the core hours of 7-10AM in the morning and 4PM-7PM in the afternoon, there’s really no escaping the horrible monster that is traffic. PLUS, with Dodger Stadium (capacity 50,000) being so close by (a mere 2 miles away), Stadium traffic can make it even worse. I recommend just running to Dodger Staidum. Staples Center is also in downtown, so if you work in downtown, don’t try to leave and then come back to the game; just go directly to the game from work; bring your Chris Paul/Blake Griffin or Kobe Bryant/Jeremy Lin jersey to work and wear it afterwards. Ah, the sacrifices one makes for being a city-dwelling salaryman (what the Japanese call their every-day workers).

 

On a side note, the US Bank Building is also holding an annual Stair Climb competition, which for me, even as someone who runs every day, sounds intimidating. Running on flat ground is one thing, but climbing stairs is another beast entirely. I often start out fine for about 2 flights of stairs and then dramatically wear down to the point of walking and dragging my feet, and I vent at the fact that I’m going so slow and not making any progress. Add to that the fact I have a slight fear of heights, and going straight up stairs is probably not the exercise for me. It also seems like a difficult challenge for my knees, especially if it’s a 70+ flight of stairs.

 

Fantasize on,

 

Robert Yan