Dear Fantasy Owner,
Congratulations on deciding to re-invest in another fantasy basketball company, (Insert improved team name that's a bit wittier than last year's). We would like to apologize for last year's debacle, which was to say the least, a subpar performance for our company. Basically, everybody we told you to pick had a down or mediocre year, while everyone we told you to avoid either blew up or at least would have serviced you adequately. We have reviewed the mistakes we made in the previous year and believe we have corrected some fundamental errors in judgment. We of course value your patience and decision to stick with us despite missteps in the past and look forward to serve you this season.
Again, We here at FantasySportGuru Headhunter, Inc. have thoroughly researched the diverse applicant pool that was made avilable to us and and come to conclusions on several remarkable candidates. We would first like to point you in the direction of Mr. John Wall, a rookie out of Kentucky. Ready to become the leader of his organization, Mr. Wall has a year of semi-professional experience under his belt plus profoundly gifted abilities. Hire him before your compettitors and you will be pleased with the results.
Additionally, we would like to recommend one Joakim Noah. His name may sound peculiar, and he will probably never appear in any GQ magazines, but his work ethic is unquestioned, and he really holds a team together.
We would also be remiss not to mention Kevin Love. Working in a small organization in a relatively obscure part of the country, Kevin "Big Country" Love is big, young, solid, and reliable, and if you hire him he will surely be as loyal as a lumberjack. You will *love* him.
Finally, if you are looking for a leader of a proven winning team, Rajon Rondo is the man you seek. Well-known as a facilitator that makes others better, Mr. Rondo oozes ambition, stating recently that he "wants to be the best at his position." If that is not enough, he can also rollerskate, which comes in handy after work when you need to blow off some steam.
Unfortunately, as in other applicants there are some bad apples in the batch, and we feel obligated to warn you about them, so that you will not be suprrised when they do not meet your expectations.
Danny Granger is high on many companies' lists, but we have to warn you: he poses a significant health risk, and a worker's compensation suit may be in your future if you choose to go with Mr. Granger. We cannot advocate hiring an employee for a year if he has a significant chance of missing half of that year. Another red flag we value highly is decaying skills; Mr. Tim Duncan fits that category; his prowess and value was unquestioned during his prime, but in the new technological age with new talent in influx, unfortunately Mr. Duncan's skills are no longer as valuable. He admits also that he will have to work limited hours and garner frequent rest, not what you want to hear when committing to someone for the long term. Cross Mr. Duncan off your list of likely candidates. Finally we (still) believe Mr. Carmelo Anthony to be a ballhog, and that coupled with off-the-job issues, will not be an asset to your organization; we think Mr. Amare Stoudamire will have problems working with a new organization, so you shouldn't have to waste half a year easing him into your company culture; and Mr. Zach Randolph's explosive season last year was the product of a flash in the pan of previously-unfound motivation, the natural lift anyone gets from leaving the Clippers, a healthy stream of Memphis waffles, and working mostly in anonymity. Now that people actually know that he's good, Mr. Randolph will surely (pardon our informality) suck.
We know that you will have many questions and doubts throughout the season about your employees, invovling many trials and tribulations, and you will develop personal relationships with the employees that you do eventually hire. We recommend that you hire mostly with cold hard facts and our numbers, (partly because if you don't in real life there's bound to be employment litigation in your future), but also so that you can have fun with your employees; you will enjoy yourself if you do not enjoy the people around you. And that's really what it's all about.
Fantasize on,
Fantasysportguru Headhunter, Inc.,
Chairman, President, and Omincient Ruler,
Robert Yan
Congratulations on deciding to re-invest in another fantasy basketball company, (Insert improved team name that's a bit wittier than last year's). We would like to apologize for last year's debacle, which was to say the least, a subpar performance for our company. Basically, everybody we told you to pick had a down or mediocre year, while everyone we told you to avoid either blew up or at least would have serviced you adequately. We have reviewed the mistakes we made in the previous year and believe we have corrected some fundamental errors in judgment. We of course value your patience and decision to stick with us despite missteps in the past and look forward to serve you this season.
Again, We here at FantasySportGuru Headhunter, Inc. have thoroughly researched the diverse applicant pool that was made avilable to us and and come to conclusions on several remarkable candidates. We would first like to point you in the direction of Mr. John Wall, a rookie out of Kentucky. Ready to become the leader of his organization, Mr. Wall has a year of semi-professional experience under his belt plus profoundly gifted abilities. Hire him before your compettitors and you will be pleased with the results.
Additionally, we would like to recommend one Joakim Noah. His name may sound peculiar, and he will probably never appear in any GQ magazines, but his work ethic is unquestioned, and he really holds a team together.
We would also be remiss not to mention Kevin Love. Working in a small organization in a relatively obscure part of the country, Kevin "Big Country" Love is big, young, solid, and reliable, and if you hire him he will surely be as loyal as a lumberjack. You will *love* him.
Finally, if you are looking for a leader of a proven winning team, Rajon Rondo is the man you seek. Well-known as a facilitator that makes others better, Mr. Rondo oozes ambition, stating recently that he "wants to be the best at his position." If that is not enough, he can also rollerskate, which comes in handy after work when you need to blow off some steam.
Unfortunately, as in other applicants there are some bad apples in the batch, and we feel obligated to warn you about them, so that you will not be suprrised when they do not meet your expectations.
Danny Granger is high on many companies' lists, but we have to warn you: he poses a significant health risk, and a worker's compensation suit may be in your future if you choose to go with Mr. Granger. We cannot advocate hiring an employee for a year if he has a significant chance of missing half of that year. Another red flag we value highly is decaying skills; Mr. Tim Duncan fits that category; his prowess and value was unquestioned during his prime, but in the new technological age with new talent in influx, unfortunately Mr. Duncan's skills are no longer as valuable. He admits also that he will have to work limited hours and garner frequent rest, not what you want to hear when committing to someone for the long term. Cross Mr. Duncan off your list of likely candidates. Finally we (still) believe Mr. Carmelo Anthony to be a ballhog, and that coupled with off-the-job issues, will not be an asset to your organization; we think Mr. Amare Stoudamire will have problems working with a new organization, so you shouldn't have to waste half a year easing him into your company culture; and Mr. Zach Randolph's explosive season last year was the product of a flash in the pan of previously-unfound motivation, the natural lift anyone gets from leaving the Clippers, a healthy stream of Memphis waffles, and working mostly in anonymity. Now that people actually know that he's good, Mr. Randolph will surely (pardon our informality) suck.
We know that you will have many questions and doubts throughout the season about your employees, invovling many trials and tribulations, and you will develop personal relationships with the employees that you do eventually hire. We recommend that you hire mostly with cold hard facts and our numbers, (partly because if you don't in real life there's bound to be employment litigation in your future), but also so that you can have fun with your employees; you will enjoy yourself if you do not enjoy the people around you. And that's really what it's all about.
Fantasize on,
Fantasysportguru Headhunter, Inc.,
Chairman, President, and Omincient Ruler,
Robert Yan
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