Today a 40-year-old veteran locksmith came to my condo and fixed a bunch of my locks, an issue that I never thought much about when living in our condo but now when it's coming time to either sell it or lease it as a rental unit, it's so important to have everything working in the right order. It reminded me how many doors we have in our unit: We are the proud owners of at least 10 doors just in my 1400- sq ft unit, not even counting the front door of the unit, almost all of which come with a lock on it (come to find out, not very high quality locks by nature because the designers of the condo purposely skimped on inner doors). Turns out the problem with the lock not locking was that it just needed a little bit of readjusting to put it back in place, getting the lock to slide in and applying some WD-40 to get it to lubricate. There's a lot inside a lock we don't see, probably almost as complicated as what goes on inside a human brain. There were also locks in my home that I never use that I didn't even think about before the locksmith arrived, so he helped me better understand the home that we had purchased. And locksmiths, it turns out, are much sought after! It took a 3-week waiting list just to get this guy to come out. People need locks, not just for safety and security but also to put in their keyless AirBnB-friendly locks, change the locks after buying the unit from a previous owner because you never know who still has the keys from the previous owners, stuff like that. Another aspect of home ownership I didn't think about before buying, along with property taxes, "special surcharges," painting the walls, leaky roofs, old water heaters, and a host of other things. Good thing my condo has nice bay windows to look out of to make myself feel better.
I think locks is one of those things I get triggered by, and it has manifested itself in the worst times because MJ has locked the door on me during an argument and I've become irrationally upset even though it's probably a good physical barrier to let both sides cool down before more damage is done (Good thing that particular lock was working!) I have some psychological trauma from locks, not the physical locks, I've never been locked inside a car or locked by myself in a meat locker or anything (ending of Season 1 of the Bear) but I've always felt locked out of the "cool people group" or out of the law firms I wanted a job at, or the top "elite" universities I applied to out of high school. Even though I live in probably one of the most free societies in the world where I can go almost anywhere anytime with money, a phone, and a car, I've felt locked out of certain levels of society, unwanted. It's easy to say people shouldn't be affected by popularity or having people like you, but I always felt I never got invited to the "VIP" table or the "cool college parties" or been allowed to move on in reality TV casting process, even the Game Show audition processs. I've always felt locked out, like something wasn't right about me, I just wasn't enough for other people, I have to bring something to the table for other people to like me and I just don't have it. That's why they say "college opens up so many doors" or "knowing so and so opened so many doors for me," I know what it's like to open those doors and I got really excited about opening them like being able to work at the jobs that I get selected for, or picked for dodgeball teams, or invited to friends' weddings. But the flip side is I also know the unspoken rejection of NOT being selected for a team, and how much it reminds me of not being able to sit at certain tables in high school, or people not wanting me to play with them, etc. Bruno Mars has a catchy song that goes, "I've been Locked Out of Heaven...." I definitely haven't been trapped in Hell or anything like that, I've been very lucky in life and get to do a lot of things many people in the world don't get to do, but I still can't help feeling I get deprived of some experiences because of these locks in society preventing me from getting in.
I guess that's part of the frustration of not being being able to have a child yet, I've been made by society to feel like this big giant club of people who all have kids (including so many friends who have been invited to that party and are there now), and I'm just on the outside looking through the window at something I can't have, even though if I join the party I might find that the party isn't for everyone and might be more than some have bargained for, I still feel locked out of the cool kids' club..... more on that later as the marathon journey continues (hint: I visited a urologist recently and I may be locking myself out of heaven).
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