Once one is in a relationship, one is doomed to contract a dangerous disease that affects both partners equally. It can come strike at a moment's notice without warning, and it can last indefinitely and be a source of considerable pain: Lover's quarrel. Known by different names, Lover's quarrel can also be described as lover's tiff, lover's spat, but it describes minor arguments before a couple over petty things that won't ultimately break off the relationship, but is pretty difficult to get through and painful. MJ and I are a very loving couple, but we are also prone to the lover's quarrel. Here are some observations I've noticed.
1.) Like a bad car accident, it's also tempting and often entertaining to watch other people have a lover's quarrel (same with fighting, name-calling, etc.) but much less entertaining and actually painful to have one oneself. It's also so easy to see what the issue is with other couples and to diagnose/fix the issue with other couples, but difficult to see it in oneself.
2.) Calm down, calm down, calm down. Nothing is going to get accomplished when both members of the relationship are in a bad mood, tensions are high so try to ease them a bit to get at least one member thinking coherently. Did I mention calm down? It's easier said than done.
3.) Identifying who's at fault is not productive. Maybe later dissect what the underlying issues are to avoid future outbreak, but putting the blame on one person during the fight further fans the flames.
4.) It can happen at anytime, anywhere. I've tried to keep a chart of the number of times MJ and I have a tiff, where we do it, how often, on what days, the horoscopes for those days, etc., etc., but it doesn't need that much of a trigger, sometimes something just strikes the wrong nerve.
5.) One side has to just admit they're at fault sometimes even if they're not. Not gonna say who that is in our relationship.........
6.) Saying "I love you" as much as you are reluctant to do so at the time (through gritted teeth) helps.
7.) Stick to the issue. Lover's Quarrel can very easily get out of control and you get started talking about every little issue that's wrong for both sides. Don't branch out that much, just put out one fire first.
8.) Try not to raise voice. Some of us are programmed with a loud voice or to raise it involuntarily, that raises tensions unfortunately so control voice projection as much as possible.
9.) The more you despise the partner, the more you have to love them. Gotta love someone at their worst, cuz that's when they need your love the most. At the highest peak of infuriating each other, try to find a picture of you guys doing something fun or any reminder of happy times and try to channel that energy and remind yourself of the happy times.
10.) If none of this stuff works, consider consulting a relationship counselor. I'm not Dr. Phil, not even a doctor.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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