I don't like fighting, I don't think anybody does. I dislike physical fighting, I actually have never gotten into a physical altercation, not even any pushing or shoving. The closest to a squibble was this aggressive 9-year-old at Chinese School every Saturday who kept egging me on over snowballs, and before we realized we had crossed the line between play fighting and actual fighting we were sorting of wrestling around on the ground, but in a very 9-year-old boy way. I also once spilled a girl's drink at a VERY crowded bar while trying to reach the bathroom, not my fault really, the bar's fault for being so crowded, and the girl's boyfriend/guy who was trying to impress her pulled me aside and told me I should pay for the girl's drink. I didn't really think I needed to, but it seemed the guy was quite insistent, and to avoid any argument I just paid the drink and got outta there, and come to think of it my life of desiring to hang out at bars ended that night. That's the story of my life though: kind of a pushover in terms of altercations, give in to others when it's more convenient to just let it go.
Unfortunately, verbal arguments are much more of a common occurrence of me, and they happen most with my family. I have a theory that I have a "crazy" gene, where I momentarily overreact about something, my blood boils, and before my mind (which has been well trained to stop me from doing anything rash) can stop it the body erupts in rage, I raise what's already a pretty loud voice and let out a yell. Admittedly it's a pretty alarming yell, so the other party would be shocked for a second and would create outrage for the other person too, but I've told my parents/ family members this: It's just a momentary slip, once I let it out, I know I've done wrong, but by then I've become the bad guy who instigated a fight, and the fight progresses as a lecturing session about what I did wrong, and then I get upset about that and that I've told them about it before, and pretty soon we don't even know what we're arguing about anymore, just upset. The "crazy" gene is something on my Dad's side I think, my sister and my father all lose control all of a sudden and we'll look a little crazy, it's like a rage that I've tried to pack under the surface but sometimes breaks out. It's very similar to the kind of repressed anger that Adam Sandler displayed in "Anger Management," a very comical but also realistic look at people with anger issues. Repressed anger is anger that's built up inside that is caused by me being done wrong (like paying for someone's drink when I shouldn't have to) but letting it go, letting it go, until it accumulates into a big ball of stress, and when that repressed anger has a catalyst to burst it into flames it bursts out like a cannonball. I have those anger issues.
I do think, though, as crazy as it sounds, that I DO learn from going through fights. I learn what sets me off, what behavior that I dislike, what values other people hold v. values I hold, a lot of information comes out in fights. Things that family members usually keep hidden from each other for fear of ruining the relationship come to light, you learn that others are also repressing anger caused by injustices done to them at work, by other people, life, etc., and that to some extent this argument isn't really about the 2 people arguing having issues with each other (it partly is, of course) but instead all the stuff that they've been dealing with that at some point has to burst out. You also learn that the people closest to you are the ones most likely to fight with, because if it was outsiders you'd just stop associating with them, it's only the ones who you're gonna have a long future with for sure that you get frustrated with, who you've had a long shared history with. I also tend to think about things more clearly while arguing, cuz apparently ever since I was a kid "I loved to argue," (very minor reason I became a lawyer), but I've been told during arguments I try to take a reasonable approach, showing why I think the other person is not being logical and why I'm right, trying to take a persuasive attitude. When really, in some fights it's not about who's right or wrong, it's just about if you still love each other, and the answer is almost always "yes" and one of the people just has to step down at some point and realize both people love each other and to remind each other of that.
I wish fights never happen to me, but if they do, at least I can learn something from them.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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