This post is more exclusive to the basketball players out there, but the demographics who read this blog (fantasy sports managers/ young college-types/ males) should be pretty schooled in the art of playing pick-up basketball.
* Note: the reason they call it "pick-up" basketball is literally you get "picked up" by a team trying to play next......you always need 5 guys to play so that when the current game playing on the court finishes, your team replaces the losers (winners stay on). I've had various issues with the "pick-up" process, including "who really has next game?", "I've got a buddy coming in 5 minutes but don't know exactly when he's showing up," and my most hated, "Yea I got 5 already but I really don't." Some cats are just really bad about the process, they take a look at your appearance (body type, height, ethnicity, etc.) and decide whether they want you on your team or not. No evidence for this, but sometimes I suspect it's blatant racism: Guy takes a look at me, sees I'm Asian, assumes I'm bad, and says, "I got 5 already." 5 minutes later, some other dude (not Asian) shows up and suddenly he's in the game. Very unfair, but on the pick-up basketball court you're pretty much subject to the laws of the jungle. Hard to object to that (especially when you don't have your own group of guys).
Sigh. Anyways, here's the list of personalities you will normally see on the court:
1. The ball-hog: This is the guy who demands the ball on the inbounds pass, dribbles down the court, plays 1-on-5 basketball, and will do everything he can NOT to pass it away. He wants to score, and he wants to score, NOW. While somewhat tolerable if the guy's actually making shots/ scoring points, it's TERRIBLE when he's missing. Ironically, the ballhog's also the guy who yells at you to pass it more when you have the ball. Figures.
2. The foul-caller: Either the most fragile person on earth or just blatantly ignorant of what a foul is, the foul-caller will cry foul every time he has the ball, and sometimes when he doesn't have the ball ( the general guideline in pick-up basketball is not to call fouls when you don't have the ball, no offensive fouls, no loose-ball fouls, etc. unless TOTALLY flagrant). The foul-caller will stagnate the game tremendously and piss off everybody, and inevitably an argument will ensue as to what's a foul or not. Ironically, the foul-caller is also the guy who says "What foul?" when you foul him.
3. The Fountain: The guy who sweats profusely and doesn't apologize for you. If your team is "matching up" (deciding who guards who on the other team) with the team the Fountain is on, you can literally see the whole team gravitating AWAY from the Fountain, playing a sort of "Hot Potato" or "Nose Goes" game to see who gets the dishonorable distinction of guarding the Fountain. It is NOT pleasant to guard the Fountain. Ironically, the Fountain is usually also the guy who wants to grind under the basketball and initiate a LOT of contact, with disastrous results. Also see: the guy who smells. (Similar characteristics)
4. The Girl: When a girl plays, she's always "underestimated." She's never good cuz she's just good, she's "underrated." And when she makes a shot, it's always, "OOOOOOOHHHHH." Ironically, the Girl always actually has a shot, so the previously mentioned sound effect is repeated abundantly.
5. The Guy Playing with an Agenda: This guy had something happen before stepping on the court. Either he just got into a fight with his girlfriend, or someone spilled coffee on his lap earlier at McDonald's, or he didn't get as much meat as he wanted on his Chipotle burrito, SOMETHING.... he's playing with a chip on his shoulder, trying to blow off some steam. He swears, he's angry, he's violent, he fouls a lot. It's uncomfortable having Agenda Guy on your team; it's just downright painful to have him on the other team. Inevitably, Agenda Guy will try to get into a fight.
6. The Friends: The Friends come together, they've played together before, they're practicing for a tournament at a later time, they want to practice set plays, whatever, the Friends will NEVER pass to anybody but themselves.....literally, even if his boy is covered by 3 guys and 2 other teammates are wide open, the Friend will force it to his other Friend. I hate the Friends.
7. Cell Phone Guy: The guy who runs to his cell phone in the middle of the game. It's like, "what are you doing? We're playing basketball."
8. Excuse Guy: Excuse guy will have a reason for everything that he does wrong. "I just lifted before the game, so my shot is off." "I don't got my lucky shorts, sorry." "My nails are too long." "I had Chipotle before the game, my bad." "Is that a woman's ball?" "The rims are too small."
Note to Excuse Guy: I DON'T CARE!!!!!! STOP lifting before the game! Wear your shorts!!!! Do what you need to do to be ready! Play basketball!!!!!!!
9. Lazy Guy: Doesn't run down the court, doesn't box out, doesn't run after the ball. When you pass to him, he instantly shoots a contested 3-pointer, no questions asked. Lazy Guy makes you sick. Note: Lazy Guy usually actually is also Pretty Talented Guy, who thinks he's too good to hustle, too good to have to work for it. Ironically, Pretty Talented Lazy Guy will also be the guy who tells you what to do if something goes wrong because he thinks he knows what the problem is. Note to Pretty Talented Lazy Guy: YOU ARE the PROBLEM!!!!!!!
10. Finally, worse than any of the other guys you meet on the pickup court, is......Always Next Guy. Always Next Guy tries to do his best Hiro Nakamura impression, trying to be everywhere at one time. He's on one court and he's somehow next on the other court. If you're trying to get next, he and his friends are next. Why is he the worst? Not necessarily because of bad intent, I suppose, but if you can't get on the court, none of the other things even apply. Note to Always Next Guy: This isn't online poker. you can only play one game at a time. Another note to Always Next Guy: Learn to share.
Sigh. Yea, as you can imagine, I have a lot of anger towards pickup basketball people. In general, basketball's fun, everyone gets some exercise, and everyone get along. But when you throw in one or more of the aformentioned Guys ( I have no problem with Girls) things start to deteriorate. Quickly. If you're reading this and are one of these Guys, please, please, PLEASE remedy yourself. I realize I might exemplify to some degree one of these Guy characteristics, so I'll do my part to stop it too. That is all.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
* Note: the reason they call it "pick-up" basketball is literally you get "picked up" by a team trying to play next......you always need 5 guys to play so that when the current game playing on the court finishes, your team replaces the losers (winners stay on). I've had various issues with the "pick-up" process, including "who really has next game?", "I've got a buddy coming in 5 minutes but don't know exactly when he's showing up," and my most hated, "Yea I got 5 already but I really don't." Some cats are just really bad about the process, they take a look at your appearance (body type, height, ethnicity, etc.) and decide whether they want you on your team or not. No evidence for this, but sometimes I suspect it's blatant racism: Guy takes a look at me, sees I'm Asian, assumes I'm bad, and says, "I got 5 already." 5 minutes later, some other dude (not Asian) shows up and suddenly he's in the game. Very unfair, but on the pick-up basketball court you're pretty much subject to the laws of the jungle. Hard to object to that (especially when you don't have your own group of guys).
Sigh. Anyways, here's the list of personalities you will normally see on the court:
1. The ball-hog: This is the guy who demands the ball on the inbounds pass, dribbles down the court, plays 1-on-5 basketball, and will do everything he can NOT to pass it away. He wants to score, and he wants to score, NOW. While somewhat tolerable if the guy's actually making shots/ scoring points, it's TERRIBLE when he's missing. Ironically, the ballhog's also the guy who yells at you to pass it more when you have the ball. Figures.
2. The foul-caller: Either the most fragile person on earth or just blatantly ignorant of what a foul is, the foul-caller will cry foul every time he has the ball, and sometimes when he doesn't have the ball ( the general guideline in pick-up basketball is not to call fouls when you don't have the ball, no offensive fouls, no loose-ball fouls, etc. unless TOTALLY flagrant). The foul-caller will stagnate the game tremendously and piss off everybody, and inevitably an argument will ensue as to what's a foul or not. Ironically, the foul-caller is also the guy who says "What foul?" when you foul him.
3. The Fountain: The guy who sweats profusely and doesn't apologize for you. If your team is "matching up" (deciding who guards who on the other team) with the team the Fountain is on, you can literally see the whole team gravitating AWAY from the Fountain, playing a sort of "Hot Potato" or "Nose Goes" game to see who gets the dishonorable distinction of guarding the Fountain. It is NOT pleasant to guard the Fountain. Ironically, the Fountain is usually also the guy who wants to grind under the basketball and initiate a LOT of contact, with disastrous results. Also see: the guy who smells. (Similar characteristics)
4. The Girl: When a girl plays, she's always "underestimated." She's never good cuz she's just good, she's "underrated." And when she makes a shot, it's always, "OOOOOOOHHHHH." Ironically, the Girl always actually has a shot, so the previously mentioned sound effect is repeated abundantly.
5. The Guy Playing with an Agenda: This guy had something happen before stepping on the court. Either he just got into a fight with his girlfriend, or someone spilled coffee on his lap earlier at McDonald's, or he didn't get as much meat as he wanted on his Chipotle burrito, SOMETHING.... he's playing with a chip on his shoulder, trying to blow off some steam. He swears, he's angry, he's violent, he fouls a lot. It's uncomfortable having Agenda Guy on your team; it's just downright painful to have him on the other team. Inevitably, Agenda Guy will try to get into a fight.
6. The Friends: The Friends come together, they've played together before, they're practicing for a tournament at a later time, they want to practice set plays, whatever, the Friends will NEVER pass to anybody but themselves.....literally, even if his boy is covered by 3 guys and 2 other teammates are wide open, the Friend will force it to his other Friend. I hate the Friends.
7. Cell Phone Guy: The guy who runs to his cell phone in the middle of the game. It's like, "what are you doing? We're playing basketball."
8. Excuse Guy: Excuse guy will have a reason for everything that he does wrong. "I just lifted before the game, so my shot is off." "I don't got my lucky shorts, sorry." "My nails are too long." "I had Chipotle before the game, my bad." "Is that a woman's ball?" "The rims are too small."
Note to Excuse Guy: I DON'T CARE!!!!!! STOP lifting before the game! Wear your shorts!!!! Do what you need to do to be ready! Play basketball!!!!!!!
9. Lazy Guy: Doesn't run down the court, doesn't box out, doesn't run after the ball. When you pass to him, he instantly shoots a contested 3-pointer, no questions asked. Lazy Guy makes you sick. Note: Lazy Guy usually actually is also Pretty Talented Guy, who thinks he's too good to hustle, too good to have to work for it. Ironically, Pretty Talented Lazy Guy will also be the guy who tells you what to do if something goes wrong because he thinks he knows what the problem is. Note to Pretty Talented Lazy Guy: YOU ARE the PROBLEM!!!!!!!
10. Finally, worse than any of the other guys you meet on the pickup court, is......Always Next Guy. Always Next Guy tries to do his best Hiro Nakamura impression, trying to be everywhere at one time. He's on one court and he's somehow next on the other court. If you're trying to get next, he and his friends are next. Why is he the worst? Not necessarily because of bad intent, I suppose, but if you can't get on the court, none of the other things even apply. Note to Always Next Guy: This isn't online poker. you can only play one game at a time. Another note to Always Next Guy: Learn to share.
Sigh. Yea, as you can imagine, I have a lot of anger towards pickup basketball people. In general, basketball's fun, everyone gets some exercise, and everyone get along. But when you throw in one or more of the aformentioned Guys ( I have no problem with Girls) things start to deteriorate. Quickly. If you're reading this and are one of these Guys, please, please, PLEASE remedy yourself. I realize I might exemplify to some degree one of these Guy characteristics, so I'll do my part to stop it too. That is all.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
1 comment:
How about coaches son fake hustle guy?? Way too interested in setting screens calling out screens and waaaay too serious
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