Calling it "Omega" cuz I did a prodigious midseason report for my 16-person fantasy baseball league that I'm not sure all members appreciated, but I consider it a masterpiece. Sigh, if only firms would read it as my writing sample. Why am I posting it? Cuz it's like a time capsule, don't want to lose it, and I know it's probably safe on the Internet. And, I want to justify the hour of my life I will never get back working on it. Enjoy.
This was posted on my league in mid-July, so slightly out of date, but the jokes are (hopefully) very original and very fresh.
___________________________________________________________________
Last night, I had a dream. The dream had 3 unforgettable portions:
1.) I was in court and the judge asked me a question and I responded, "yea." The judge immediately rebuked, "That's yes, your honor." I looked up into the face of the Honorable Michael Jackson.
2.) I was walking along Broadway in downtown LA and wasn't watching where I was going and tripped on a homeless guy on the sidewalk, who got up and started yelling at me in slurred and incomprehensible language. At first I thought it was a judge, but the unmistakable face of Michael Jackson looked back at me.
3.) the last part was just words, no visuals: I heard a divine voice in my head, saying, “ Go forth, RobertDaManYan, and createth me a midseason report on USC Law 2011 Fantasy Baseball website. The speaker of these words was no other than Michael Jackson.
I will now fulfill Michael Jackson’s dream and proceed to drop my pants…..I mean write this midseason report (sort of).
1.) Team Katinja:
My reaction to Katinja’s performance is like waking up in a Vegas hotel with a tiger and a baby in the same suite, or getting grades back at USC Law and finding that that the guy who smokes the most pot got the best grades…..”WHAT THE &*^% HAPPENED?” Through the first part of the season, Katinja has won twice as many games as he has lost, hasn’t lost a matchup since the first week of finals, and doing all this while in a drunken stupor most of the time. Impressive is understating it.
Grade: A
Area most in need of improvement: Outfield star power. Cody Ross will not do it for a championship team.
2.) Joe’s Bombers:
Joe needs to do to his players what Donald Trump did to Miss California: fire them w/o remorse. Finding talent on this team is like finding jokes on “The Office” nowadays: few and far between. The truly sad part is that Fat Albert is having the year of his life but doing it for a last-place team including the likes of Casey “Is this Willis?” McGehee, Adam “not as sexy as JF, Robert, or even Ted” Kennedy, and absolutely no closers. The Washington Nationals look at Joe’s team and cringe.
Grade: D ( and you gotta try to get a D in law school)
Area most in need: Pick up a “How to play fantasy baseball” newspaper at your local grocery store.
3.) IceCream Socialists:
Winless in his first 4 matchups, Hayden fooled us all and is in playoff contention, coming a carlos lee 3-run homer short of beating Team Katinja last week. Like Jose Canseco, Sammy Sosa, and o so many others, Hayden has injected himself into the stream of conversation and now is solidly in the hunt and has the tools to do damage.
Grade: B+
Most needed: Catcher (I’ve exhausted the bad things I can say about John Baker)
4.) Michael’s Boys:
Every time I see this team I think of the Lady Gaga saw “Love Games” because Derek brings new meaning to “taking a ride on a disco stick,” getting screwed in various trades he’s made like sending off Russell branyan for a bag of peanuts, jettisoning A-Rod for a bag of balls and deciding Ryan Braun and Nick Markakis were not good enough for his exquisite tastes, then brilliantly proclaiming he had become the “favorite in the league.” If he means “everyone’s favorite team to play,” then yes.
Grade: B
Most in need of: a better team name (too soon, too soon)
5.) inAD:
Like Jamie Lynn Sigler (Meadow Soprano) hooking up wiith Turtle in Entourage, inAD does not deserve what he’s got. Somehow, with some of the greatest hitters in the league in Carlos Beltran, Mark Teixeria, Raul Ibanez, and Ryan Zimmerman, inAD is 15 games below .500. No amount of phone sex, driving to San Diego, or being Vinny Chase’s personal errand boy is gonna get this guy back in the game. He’s ruined his season, and there’s no turning back.
Grade: C
Most in need of: better management, get better supporting cast around your stars and you can tear up the league.
6.) Kevdog’s Ballers:
When I see this team I’m reminded of Lost when Richard went to Locke as a kid and let him choose between all sorts of crap like a baseball, comic book, knife, compass, fishing net, etc., and Locke eventually became the chosen one. Kevin is the opposite of what inAD has been, being the leader of his people and leading them to victory after victory, despite until-now-unheard-of guys like adam “even though toronto is a horrible city” lind, aaron “toronto has homeless guys on every street that you might trip on” hill (nice trade with lance), and scott “everyone who goes to toronto grows an extra nipple” rolen.
Grade: A-
Most in need of: the Mets to get healthy and relevant so Reyes and Delgado can supplement the incredible pitching prowess.
7.) JC’s Crusaders:
New christened as “Optimus Prime,” Imran truly channels the spirit of the Transformers by reinventing himself into a .500 team. In the first 6 weeks, this team was like the 101 FWY every evening, clogged with sweaty, white men going nowhere, trapped by the inevitability of traffic, eventually turning into a clusterfuck. The last few weeks have been like having to do legal writing and then not having to do legal writing: so much better.
Grade: B-
Area need to improve most: power. Not a home run hitting team.
8. Comedic Relief
It’s hard to describe how I felt when Lee picked up Scott Richmond and cheated to win his matchup a few weeks ago. At first I denied that it happened, telling myself repeatedly that this was Lee, we had gone through Legal Profession together, he couldn’t have. Then I was angry, yelling unspeakable profanities in the middle of court, challenging my sister to tennis just so I could hit Andy Roddick-like serves at her face, and sending abrasive emails to Gabby Ryan demanding she dress better next time she strutted around test rooms during exam season. Next, I tried to bargain with a higher being- if I help an old person across the street today, can Lee’s mistake never have happened? I was also depressed for a while, taking up bikram yoga just to subject myself to extreme pain and unendurable positions. Finally, after Lee wrote his tearful apology, I accepted the state of things and realized that no matter how good a fantasy commissioner I am, there are some things I cannot control, including how god-awful Lee’s team is.
Grade: F
Area need to improve most on: not cheating.
9. UCanPutitOntheBoard:
Like a young boy w/ Turret’s, Lance periodically yells out smack talk, urging his players to “Stretch! Stretch!” And stretch they have, getting to 20 games above .500 despite david wright’s utter inability to hit home runs, carlos pena’s utter inability to bat for average, and Milton Bradley’s utter inability to avoid ticking off his manager, throwing the ball into the stands with 2 outs or just being a general menace to the Cubs organization.
Grade: A-
Needs to improve: having Milton Bradley on his team, easily resolved by the “drop” button.
10.) Praying to PECOTA:
Watching Jibraun’s team has been like watching dumb contestants play the Wheel of Fortune: constantly doing the wrong things. When the answer should be painfully obvious, they guess wrong. When they should spin again, they buy a vowel. Supposed to solve the puzzle, they spin one last desperate time and look shocked when they go bankrupt. Shame. A guy who I thought was guaranteed one of the playoff spots at the beginning, I am no longer so sure as the team hovers around .500, andy “not even as good as adam” laroche starts at 3rd, and the stable of young pitching that seemed like an asset now looks as weak as Shouvik’s pre-Viagra sex drive.
Grade: B-
Needs to improve: elite starting pitching (needs an ace)
11.) Tony’s Tigers:
Hard to say what’s wrong with this team, feel like Tony needs to speak up more, get the blood riled, act like ozzie guillen and curse profusely while killing some chickens or lou pinella by kicking and screaming and throwing bases and raising blood pressure to the point of almost blowing a gasket.
Grade: C-
Needs to improve: pitching staff (both relief and starting) behind Santana.
12. phillyrepeat
Picked at one time by “the Man” to work his way into the playoffs, phillyrepeat has went the way of the actual Phillies: lots of flash, big names galore, enough potential to fuel a power plant, but not enough results. Random lawyer joke: There are three reasons why lawyers are being used more and more in scientific experiments. First, every year there are more of them around. Second, lab assistants don't get attached to them. And, third, there are some things that rats just won't do.
Grade: C
Needs to improve: the whole offense besides Bay and Howard.
13. Lawyroids:
I can’t imagine anyone who’s more devastated by Michael’s passing than our league’s very own Pedophile. I picture Ian’s room filled with pictures of him and Michael at Neverland Ranch, smiling raucously as they ponder the delicious things they will do. The similarities are eerie: Ian, at his computer, scouring the waiver wire looking for fresh, young talent; Michael, on his computer, scouring Boy Scouts profiles for young talent; Ian, taking the talent under his wing and using them to his delight, then dropping them off like nothing ever happened. And then today, picking up Elvis Andrus again for a 2nd go. Sigh. I suspect Ian has managed his team well enough to make the playoffs as Nolasco, Vazquez, and Sabathia should give him enough pitching while just getting enough offense.
Grade: B+
Needs to improve: outfield and shortstop.
14. Learned Handjob:
The outfield of Braun, Sizemore, and Markakis could be the best there is. Otherwise, with Webb probably out for season, Billingsley not enough to be a one-man pitching staff.
Grade: C
Needs to improve: Lotsa stuff to get into contention.
15. PirateShoes:
Like watching a typical Disney movie in reverse, Blake had a happily ever after April in which all the flowers bloomed, he slipped on the glass slipper, met the man of his dreams, and found his Prince Charming, but ever since then he’s bit into the poison apple, got pushed off the top of the league mountain to be trampled by the herd below, and don’t forget about being plowed by Creepy Rodney. In a typical Disney, the time of most despair is the time when the hero bounces back. Can Prince Fielder and his gazillon RBI’s and gazillon pounds of fat or Josh Hamilton and his gazillon tattoos depicting his weird cocaine-induced experiences be that hero? Doubt it.
Grade: B
Needs to improve: catcher and plugging in random bad guys at Util.
16. RobertDaManYan: The man amjur’ed all his fantasy baseball classes in fantasy baseball school and will make it onto fantasy baseball review and moot court baseball because he’s just that good. Plus, next year he will be a fantasy baseball writing fellow, teaching fantasy baseball players everywhere how to write excellent midseason preview.
Grade: DaMan’s so good he gives out the gradesNeeds to improve: making other managers feel better about themselves and not as inadequate.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
This was posted on my league in mid-July, so slightly out of date, but the jokes are (hopefully) very original and very fresh.
___________________________________________________________________
Last night, I had a dream. The dream had 3 unforgettable portions:
1.) I was in court and the judge asked me a question and I responded, "yea." The judge immediately rebuked, "That's yes, your honor." I looked up into the face of the Honorable Michael Jackson.
2.) I was walking along Broadway in downtown LA and wasn't watching where I was going and tripped on a homeless guy on the sidewalk, who got up and started yelling at me in slurred and incomprehensible language. At first I thought it was a judge, but the unmistakable face of Michael Jackson looked back at me.
3.) the last part was just words, no visuals: I heard a divine voice in my head, saying, “ Go forth, RobertDaManYan, and createth me a midseason report on USC Law 2011 Fantasy Baseball website. The speaker of these words was no other than Michael Jackson.
I will now fulfill Michael Jackson’s dream and proceed to drop my pants…..I mean write this midseason report (sort of).
1.) Team Katinja:
My reaction to Katinja’s performance is like waking up in a Vegas hotel with a tiger and a baby in the same suite, or getting grades back at USC Law and finding that that the guy who smokes the most pot got the best grades…..”WHAT THE &*^% HAPPENED?” Through the first part of the season, Katinja has won twice as many games as he has lost, hasn’t lost a matchup since the first week of finals, and doing all this while in a drunken stupor most of the time. Impressive is understating it.
Grade: A
Area most in need of improvement: Outfield star power. Cody Ross will not do it for a championship team.
2.) Joe’s Bombers:
Joe needs to do to his players what Donald Trump did to Miss California: fire them w/o remorse. Finding talent on this team is like finding jokes on “The Office” nowadays: few and far between. The truly sad part is that Fat Albert is having the year of his life but doing it for a last-place team including the likes of Casey “Is this Willis?” McGehee, Adam “not as sexy as JF, Robert, or even Ted” Kennedy, and absolutely no closers. The Washington Nationals look at Joe’s team and cringe.
Grade: D ( and you gotta try to get a D in law school)
Area most in need: Pick up a “How to play fantasy baseball” newspaper at your local grocery store.
3.) IceCream Socialists:
Winless in his first 4 matchups, Hayden fooled us all and is in playoff contention, coming a carlos lee 3-run homer short of beating Team Katinja last week. Like Jose Canseco, Sammy Sosa, and o so many others, Hayden has injected himself into the stream of conversation and now is solidly in the hunt and has the tools to do damage.
Grade: B+
Most needed: Catcher (I’ve exhausted the bad things I can say about John Baker)
4.) Michael’s Boys:
Every time I see this team I think of the Lady Gaga saw “Love Games” because Derek brings new meaning to “taking a ride on a disco stick,” getting screwed in various trades he’s made like sending off Russell branyan for a bag of peanuts, jettisoning A-Rod for a bag of balls and deciding Ryan Braun and Nick Markakis were not good enough for his exquisite tastes, then brilliantly proclaiming he had become the “favorite in the league.” If he means “everyone’s favorite team to play,” then yes.
Grade: B
Most in need of: a better team name (too soon, too soon)
5.) inAD:
Like Jamie Lynn Sigler (Meadow Soprano) hooking up wiith Turtle in Entourage, inAD does not deserve what he’s got. Somehow, with some of the greatest hitters in the league in Carlos Beltran, Mark Teixeria, Raul Ibanez, and Ryan Zimmerman, inAD is 15 games below .500. No amount of phone sex, driving to San Diego, or being Vinny Chase’s personal errand boy is gonna get this guy back in the game. He’s ruined his season, and there’s no turning back.
Grade: C
Most in need of: better management, get better supporting cast around your stars and you can tear up the league.
6.) Kevdog’s Ballers:
When I see this team I’m reminded of Lost when Richard went to Locke as a kid and let him choose between all sorts of crap like a baseball, comic book, knife, compass, fishing net, etc., and Locke eventually became the chosen one. Kevin is the opposite of what inAD has been, being the leader of his people and leading them to victory after victory, despite until-now-unheard-of guys like adam “even though toronto is a horrible city” lind, aaron “toronto has homeless guys on every street that you might trip on” hill (nice trade with lance), and scott “everyone who goes to toronto grows an extra nipple” rolen.
Grade: A-
Most in need of: the Mets to get healthy and relevant so Reyes and Delgado can supplement the incredible pitching prowess.
7.) JC’s Crusaders:
New christened as “Optimus Prime,” Imran truly channels the spirit of the Transformers by reinventing himself into a .500 team. In the first 6 weeks, this team was like the 101 FWY every evening, clogged with sweaty, white men going nowhere, trapped by the inevitability of traffic, eventually turning into a clusterfuck. The last few weeks have been like having to do legal writing and then not having to do legal writing: so much better.
Grade: B-
Area need to improve most: power. Not a home run hitting team.
8. Comedic Relief
It’s hard to describe how I felt when Lee picked up Scott Richmond and cheated to win his matchup a few weeks ago. At first I denied that it happened, telling myself repeatedly that this was Lee, we had gone through Legal Profession together, he couldn’t have. Then I was angry, yelling unspeakable profanities in the middle of court, challenging my sister to tennis just so I could hit Andy Roddick-like serves at her face, and sending abrasive emails to Gabby Ryan demanding she dress better next time she strutted around test rooms during exam season. Next, I tried to bargain with a higher being- if I help an old person across the street today, can Lee’s mistake never have happened? I was also depressed for a while, taking up bikram yoga just to subject myself to extreme pain and unendurable positions. Finally, after Lee wrote his tearful apology, I accepted the state of things and realized that no matter how good a fantasy commissioner I am, there are some things I cannot control, including how god-awful Lee’s team is.
Grade: F
Area need to improve most on: not cheating.
9. UCanPutitOntheBoard:
Like a young boy w/ Turret’s, Lance periodically yells out smack talk, urging his players to “Stretch! Stretch!” And stretch they have, getting to 20 games above .500 despite david wright’s utter inability to hit home runs, carlos pena’s utter inability to bat for average, and Milton Bradley’s utter inability to avoid ticking off his manager, throwing the ball into the stands with 2 outs or just being a general menace to the Cubs organization.
Grade: A-
Needs to improve: having Milton Bradley on his team, easily resolved by the “drop” button.
10.) Praying to PECOTA:
Watching Jibraun’s team has been like watching dumb contestants play the Wheel of Fortune: constantly doing the wrong things. When the answer should be painfully obvious, they guess wrong. When they should spin again, they buy a vowel. Supposed to solve the puzzle, they spin one last desperate time and look shocked when they go bankrupt. Shame. A guy who I thought was guaranteed one of the playoff spots at the beginning, I am no longer so sure as the team hovers around .500, andy “not even as good as adam” laroche starts at 3rd, and the stable of young pitching that seemed like an asset now looks as weak as Shouvik’s pre-Viagra sex drive.
Grade: B-
Needs to improve: elite starting pitching (needs an ace)
11.) Tony’s Tigers:
Hard to say what’s wrong with this team, feel like Tony needs to speak up more, get the blood riled, act like ozzie guillen and curse profusely while killing some chickens or lou pinella by kicking and screaming and throwing bases and raising blood pressure to the point of almost blowing a gasket.
Grade: C-
Needs to improve: pitching staff (both relief and starting) behind Santana.
12. phillyrepeat
Picked at one time by “the Man” to work his way into the playoffs, phillyrepeat has went the way of the actual Phillies: lots of flash, big names galore, enough potential to fuel a power plant, but not enough results. Random lawyer joke: There are three reasons why lawyers are being used more and more in scientific experiments. First, every year there are more of them around. Second, lab assistants don't get attached to them. And, third, there are some things that rats just won't do.
Grade: C
Needs to improve: the whole offense besides Bay and Howard.
13. Lawyroids:
I can’t imagine anyone who’s more devastated by Michael’s passing than our league’s very own Pedophile. I picture Ian’s room filled with pictures of him and Michael at Neverland Ranch, smiling raucously as they ponder the delicious things they will do. The similarities are eerie: Ian, at his computer, scouring the waiver wire looking for fresh, young talent; Michael, on his computer, scouring Boy Scouts profiles for young talent; Ian, taking the talent under his wing and using them to his delight, then dropping them off like nothing ever happened. And then today, picking up Elvis Andrus again for a 2nd go. Sigh. I suspect Ian has managed his team well enough to make the playoffs as Nolasco, Vazquez, and Sabathia should give him enough pitching while just getting enough offense.
Grade: B+
Needs to improve: outfield and shortstop.
14. Learned Handjob:
The outfield of Braun, Sizemore, and Markakis could be the best there is. Otherwise, with Webb probably out for season, Billingsley not enough to be a one-man pitching staff.
Grade: C
Needs to improve: Lotsa stuff to get into contention.
15. PirateShoes:
Like watching a typical Disney movie in reverse, Blake had a happily ever after April in which all the flowers bloomed, he slipped on the glass slipper, met the man of his dreams, and found his Prince Charming, but ever since then he’s bit into the poison apple, got pushed off the top of the league mountain to be trampled by the herd below, and don’t forget about being plowed by Creepy Rodney. In a typical Disney, the time of most despair is the time when the hero bounces back. Can Prince Fielder and his gazillon RBI’s and gazillon pounds of fat or Josh Hamilton and his gazillon tattoos depicting his weird cocaine-induced experiences be that hero? Doubt it.
Grade: B
Needs to improve: catcher and plugging in random bad guys at Util.
16. RobertDaManYan: The man amjur’ed all his fantasy baseball classes in fantasy baseball school and will make it onto fantasy baseball review and moot court baseball because he’s just that good. Plus, next year he will be a fantasy baseball writing fellow, teaching fantasy baseball players everywhere how to write excellent midseason preview.
Grade: DaMan’s so good he gives out the gradesNeeds to improve: making other managers feel better about themselves and not as inadequate.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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