Looking at my pathetic fantasy baseball team, I am convinced at the (now more than halfway point) of the season that I will not win my league. My ERA and WHIP are astronomical, my avg looks more joey gathright than joe mauer, and no one has the urge to win.
In an ideal world, here's what I need from each of my players for me to actually win the league:
1.) Victor Martinez: Some of his fellow Indians players gotta inject this guy's prostrate with some shark venom for him to get that killer instinct of hitting again.
2.) Robinson Cano: He needs to hit behind murderer's row like Johnny Damon, Alex Rodriguez, and Mark Teixeria so he can get the requisite # of RBI's. O wait, he already does but can't capitalize as well.
3.) Jimmy Rollins: needs to dominate like Rollie Fingers.
4.) Justin Verlander: throw 150 MPH fastballs every pitch instead of a puny 98MPH.
5.) Scott Baker: Locate every pitch to within millimeters of where he wants it to go, make it a movie and call it "8MM"
6.) Brian Fuentes: Angels needs to win 50 of their remaining 65 games and Fuentes needs to save 51 of them.
7.) Nick Markakis: needs to go on acid so that everything slows down, he sees the ball better and instead of hitting .412 in August like most years, hit .850.
8.) Hideki Matsui: Needs to have the right-field porch in Yankee stadium moved up 30 more yards and then have Daisuke Matsuzaka pitch to him every at-bat.
9.) Max Scherzer: grow another anomalie (like his heterochromatic eyes) like a 3rd arm so he can deceive hitters by making them guess which arm he throws the ball out of.
10.) Randy Johnson: go in the time machine and go back to circa 1991. Strike out 300 in the 2nd half of the season.
11.) Joe Blanton: Develop a screwball, man.
12.) Alfonso Soriano: go to a voodoo specialist and take the "hit homer every game" treatment.
If ALL those things happen, I MIGHT have a chance to win the league. Otherwise, there's always 2010.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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