I was today years old when I learned the difference between a wake and a funeral- I never really thought about the difference, and luckily for me I haven't had to attend many. A wake is more of an informal gathering of friends and family so that they can visit the deceased, whereas the funeral is more of a religious ceremony more formal with various other rituals associated with it. My parents are not religious (although they claim to be Buddhist when solicited by religious groups) so the wake they put on for my grandfather was more of a wake, where we had his body on display at a local funeral home for us to visit and say goodbye and make speeches, etc. A funeral would have been more involved, and sometimes families have been a wake and a funeral. I think my grandpa would have liked to have as little formality as possible about death, very practical about the whole matter, and if asked he would have said in Chinese (roughly translated): "I'm dead already, so I won't care anyway. Anything is fine." and so would I (hopefully that's a long time away and don't have to think about it for a long time, nor anyone else in my immediate family).
I had to think about wakes this week because I learned that a childhood friend of mine (Anup Sarode, friends from Concord Elementary and Cass Junior High) passed away at the very, very young age of 37 (happens to be my age too). I lost touch with him in the wild social experiment known as high school, but I remember birthday parties and visiting each other's homes back in 5th grade or so, watching the movie "Gattaca" with Ethan Hawke, I think probably having a sleepover or two, meeting his parents and his sisters, just being kids. I felt bad that he passed away and that he was suffering from depression, like maybe I was responsible for it because I wasn't there for him, or at least my 6th-grade self wasn't there to defend him against bullying or all the pain that kids have to suffer through. Not having gone through depression myself, I do think a lot of depression begins as a child, when you're at your most vulnerable and most in need of approval and friends and unfortunately seek it in the wrong people, other people your age who are the least forgiving or understanding or caring. Part of me wants to just transport both of us back to his basement and playing video games and watching Gattaca, just forever be kids without caring too much about what the outside world thinks, all of our repsonsibilities, all the twists and turns that life takes us, just stay in that room and stay alive, free.
I realize now why wakes/ funerals are so difficult: It's the last time ever you really truly think about someone, and after that wake is gone it feels like their life is truly gone, that their memory starts to fade after that one time of remembrance, and then they are gone to history. So at that wake it's important to remember the good times, deliver platitudes about the deceased, but also be sad and broken up about it all at the same time. It's really difficult to do it for a parent or grandparent, but it must be doubly difficult for a sibling and even worse, a child. As I grow older my thoughts about life and death have evolved, and I have become more accepting of death as perhaps a passage to somewhere else, that it comes for everyone and what if it's more freeing for some who are suffering pain in this life, but it still doesn't make it less painful to think about a life ending, someone who can still be enjoying plenty of things in this life and so many possibilities and do everything that life can offer. And of course selfishly I think about myself and my own mortality, what will happen when I eventually die, and what is after life. It's not a pleasant feeling to go to wakes, but it's a necessary part of life.
Anup, Rest in peace man.
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