As a kid, I learned a lot about composure. I remember the first time I played a violin solo in front of judges, I was 10 years old playing a Suzuki basic piece, but it was very scary for a kid to go up in front of adults and play by myself, with no help from parents and no cushion to fall back on if I failed. I remember as a 5 year old going up in front of a crowd of Chinese kids and telling a famous Chinese folk tale from The Journey to the West, which my parents still talk about to this day. I don't know what it is about being composed (maybe it's genetic and inherently programmed into my DNA!) but I function well under pressure.
There's something about giving a speech that wracks the nerves of some people, and I can understand why: hundreds, maybe thousands of people focusing on you and you only, that's hundreds or thousands more than almost any other time in your life. Your one time to shine, to put your best foot forward, to show what type of person you are. Rightly or wrongly, they'll forever judge you for that one moment where you're in the spotlight. It could make any person anxious, but I'm actually not like that: I grew up having to go "onstage" with orchestras and other public events and be in uncomfortable situations, and didn't mind giving class presentations at all. Instead of worrying about the pressure, I relish in the spotlight. It's hard to explain, but adrenaline kicks in and I feel a warm calmness like I'm watching myself in that moment from somewhere else, but I'm also in control of that moment as well.
Activities that helped me develop composure during tense situations:
1.) Orchestra concerts, music recitals in front of the whole high school.
2.) Chess team, playing the last game of the match while everyone else watches, with the result of the match hanging in the balance. Luckily I won more of those games than I lost, so I don't have too many bad memories that trigger a complex and "getting it in my head." My chess coach used to call me "Ice" for being able to close out games without blinking an eye and looking calm in the face of pressure. I was just so focused back then, something I can't say as much now. Senior year my chess suffered because I got distracted and kept looking around at other people's games. That's one thing pressure does well: keep me focused on the task at hand.
3.) Job interviews, despite being only in front of one or a few people (small audience), can be pretty nerve wracking because of the length of time and amount of talking you have to, give all the right answers.
4.) High school presentations in front of the whole class. Not too much pressure because everyone else had to present too, but I would often volunteer to go first (always a tough task to break the ice). This is also where I learned that sometimes you need a joke in the beginning to break the ice, relieve some of the tension (hope everyone laughs), and then move on after everyone has relaxed just a bit.
5.) Getting "called on" by the Torts Professor in law school, having to summarize a case and a.) prove that you read it and b.) give some sort of analysis on it. Despite the looming threat of derision and public humiliation in front of 80 of my peers, I managed to pass through these "cold calls" pretty well.
6.) Getting up in front of a judge representing my client in a court case is always a little tenuous, given the amount of responsibility is at stake and how much the client has invested, you would not be letting just yourself down, it would be failing for the client. It's OK to misspeak! Just go back to correct yourself, that's what tons of attorneys do, and that's when they know what they're talking about (a lot of times they just keep their lips moving and argue, without much substance. It's a good skill to have).
7.) Playing in front of large crowds at dodgeball. The most pressure for a dodgeballer is when you're the only player left on your team. I relish that opportunity to show everyone what I can do and I'm even better because of it: I don't rely on anyone else, it's me against the world, and I play with a huge chip on my shoulder. It's one of the more thrilling feelings in the world, and I enjoy it while being able to stay composed .
That's why my wedding speech and vows at the ceremony went so well! I'll forever remember giving my vows to MJ in front of 85 of our closest friends. I knew everyone else was there, but I really was just talking to MJ, so I kind of blocked everyone out.
I actually DID mess up my wedding speech in that I thanked all the guests who came to the wedding and cited things I had learned from each table, such as learning different Japanese phrases from the Japanese table or Game of Thrones memes from the friends table, but I forgot to mention I learned so much from MJ, like the fact that plastic cannot go in the microwave, or how credit card rewards plans and purchasing The Broad Museum tickets works (she's really good at spending money!), or any number of artists she has introduced me to. But it sounded good, and I kept composed and kept going on without breaking down or anything. Yay for me, although I should have definitely written down all the topics I wanted to cover on a notecard or something so I didn't skip anyone important, in retrospect. Luckily on the day I really needed it the most, my composure and adrenaline that kicks in when pressure is on allowed me to look good in front of MJ and her approving parents! I also threw in the "Game of Thrones" music when playing the wedding march song, which got a bunch of laughs. Yay for laughter! I was definitely positively reinforced (which is really the self-confidence boost you need to keep calm) and everything went swimmingly after that.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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