Graduation (卒業)

Recently, I was able to participate in an event I wasn't sure I would ever be able to take part in again: A graduation ceremony. I graduated from the "Intermediate" (I tend to think of myself as more than just intermediate at this point in my Japanese proficiency, but regardless) class at my unaccredited, purely-for-profit, but very fun and productive Japanese class in Little Tokyo, called Fuji School. There was no massive ceremony, I did not wear a cap and gown, there was no graduation speech, and I did not have to "walk down the aisle," but I DID get a certificate of completion (really what a diploma is anyway, right?) and the important feeling that a graduation signifies: the end of a long journey, and the beginning of a new one. It's very pretty exciting.

I don't consider myself "old" by any stretch of the imagination (yet), but I do envy some of the people younger than me who can still get that rue graduation feeling, of having went through the 3 or 4 arduous years of work and being officially able to move on to the next chapter in one's life. I'd been doing that all my life until I graduated law school (I vaguely remember some sort of kindergarten graduation), and it's a good way to bookmark one's life, knowing that before the graduation was my college years, and afterwards was my post-graduate years, etc. I don't have that anymore, except maybe for job transfers, which aren't the same; there's not that sense of camaraderie with people who are graduating at the same time, no lead-in to summer where one packs your bags and leave college forever and hit the world to go on a path to your future; job transfers seem more like just going from one desk to another, from answering to one boss to answering to a different boss. I didn't enjoy my graduation that much, I remember it usually being a chore I had to go through sitting and watching as others got up to get their diplomas, me lost in a faceless sea of people going through the ritual, but I always remembered the plans that I had in store next; the promise, the dreams, the aspiration. I kind of miss graduating from somewhere, and at least with Japanese I can feel a sense of accomplishment.

For me, graduation also cultivates a sense of moving forward in life, moving on to bigger and better things, being in a better position than I was while younger in life. I think I've always deseprately wanted to improve myself and not get stuck in a rut, to take years off of nonproductivity, to be in a worse position than I was years ago. That's probably one of my worst fears, that and being a failure (kind of similar), being on a shaky boat in choppy waters, and roller coasters. I always fear I've gotten dumber, or faded back into bad habits, or gotten worse at dodgeball, or been lonelier than I've ever been before, or WASTED YEARS OF MY LIFE; so far I've been lucky enough to say I've probably avoided that, but I need to keep it up, as there's no more graduations in my future (unless I go get another degree, always a possibility) to at least give the illusion that I'm progressing. In the current times of Orlando gay club mass shootings, ISIS terrorist activites, alligators eating a child at Disney World Parks, Donald Trump accusing a judge of being unfair due to his race, and other backwards things in society, it's easy to think society as a whole is moving backwards. I just hope I don't do the same.

Fantasize on,

Robert Yan