I know the question on everyone’s mind: Why have I been gone
for so long?
I go long stretches of times sometimes without posting
(seems weird even to me especially these extended hiatuses are after periods of
relative activity). I can only explain it like this: It’s a snowball effect,
not unlike wearing a hat for a long time, or watching a certain TV show every
week. Once you develop that routine, you don’t like to break out of it. Long
way of saying “habit.” It’s not that I’ve had nothing to say these last couple
months, there have been plenty of noteworthy things (I went to California
Adventure on a whim, I made a few trips, made my first solo appearance in
court), it’s just I didn’t feel the need to express myself. There’s probably
other subconscious factors at play as well, such as 1.) feeling of loneliness,
2.) feeling of satisfaction, 3.) amount of shenanigans incurred at work that
necessitates “venting”. I’m neglecting the primary reason cuz it’s one I’m not
very fond of and proud of but is probably the primary reason: *LAZINESS.* It’s
something I constantly criticize my sister about in her quest to get good
grades/be on the tennis team/do well on the SAT, but I also fall into that
trap.
Without sounding too much like Inception, Dreams are weird,
man. They are, in many ways than one, like life. Sometimes they’re week,
sometimes they’re strong, sometimes they last a long time, sometimes you don’t
get anything. Sometimes they have no meaning whatsoever, and sometimes they are
very meaningful, very real and carry a lot of weight. And many times, dreams
throw you a curveball. You don’t ask for a certain type of dream because they’re
not likely to grant your request… and they’re out of your control. Dreams will
throw you one of the most profound experiences that you can have that you swear
is real until you wake up. Last night was one of those dreams. Started off as a
normal work day, then I met with a friend back in high school, whom I just
reconnected with after a long hiatus, and there was a connection of love and
mutual respect, with moments of “gazing into each other’s eyes” and “prolonged,
caring moments.” Dreams fade faster than memories, but I distinctly remember
setting up a puzzle for the United States of America and inserting a piece for
Oklahoma, then leaving but coming back because I “forgot something,” invoking
even more prolonged feelings. And then I woke up.
No I did not have illegal narcotics at my Fourth of July
party last night.
Probably
not even blog-worthy, this dream, and I probably will forget about it by 2
months from now and then read about it on this blog like a year from now and go
“O Yea that happened,” but it felt so real. The feelings felt real, the emotion
felt real, the joy and elation felt real, so much so that when I woke up, I was
upset at myself for waking up, wanted to go back to dreaming and being in that
place, not wanting to be in this real world (which, I’m pretty lucky to be in,
all things considered) to go back to that one, where everything was pure, life
was simpler, and my life felt more complete. I felt like I had been dragged out
of a hot shower on a cold winter day, or pulled mid-game out of a very
competitive soccer match. More strikingly, it felt REAL. It felt more REAL than
many things I deal with in the everyday, like I was going through the events,
actually walking side by side with the girl of my dreams and her liking me back
(something I’ve admittedly not happened to the extent I’ve had in my real
life). I’ve only had a few dreams ever that felt like that (none that I can
remember now), which gives more rise to my theories of dreams: 1.) that they’re
manifestations of future predictions (getting less likely now since I remember
one vivid dream about being a baseball player), 2.) that they’re a separate
reality that my other-self is living in, 3.) Manifestations of someone else’s
life that someone else is living. Door #4 is the Inception theory of “places
your mind creates,” which I dismiss because of its lack of originality but is
probably less farfetched than any of my 3 theories.
Here’s to more dreams and great experiences
in those dreams for everyone. (The other thing, btw, is being able to have
dreams because of good rest, which I’m lucky enough to get consistently). Not
everybody gets that, but here’s hoping they do. Man I wish I could just reply
that dream (like re-watching Independence Day or something). Phew!
Fantasize on (literally),
Robert Yan
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