You ever watch sportscenter (and if you're reading a blog like this you probably do) and an ESPN basketball "expert" (ahem, Tim Legler) or ESPN baseball analyst (ahem, Jaysen Stark) comes on and just gives these rash, unsubstantiated, irresponsible, and just irrational picks? It's AMAZING how often these guys get it wrong, even though usually there's a 50% chance of getting it right (who's gonna win this basketball series, Denver or LA?) or is this player gonna be this good the rest of the year? (Either yes or no). These guys, time and time again, do worse than my picks and just make "gut" calls that turn out to be wrong.
The WORST part is, they NEVER take account of how bad they've messed up. Anytime they are prompted for their "picks" (random dart tosses at a board describes it better), they always just give the pick, expecting us to nod our heads at home and be in unison. Uh, no. Don't buy their bull. They should have a disclaimer every time they give out a pick, saying, "Warning: picks may be highly prone to inaccuracy." Seriously, if I learned anything in tort, in product liability cases disclaimers to the customer are VERY important. These guys clearly don't show the same appreciation.
Can you tell I'm a little ticked about it? I was especially peeved when Tim Legler went on a radio talk show and said Nuggets in 6 when facing the Lakers this year, and he didn't want to say Nuggets in 7 because a potential Game 7 would be in LA. Really, Tim? 35 years of basketball experience, and THAT's ur pick? AND your justification for number of games was THAT? geez. C'mon, bro.
Anyway, unlike the so-called ESPN experts, I take account of my picks, and here's what i wrote about different fantasy players for each team before the season started for our USC Law fantasy baseball league: 16-team mixed league, standard Yahoo!:
Memorandum – Points and Authorities
To: Only Cool People in the
From: The One and Only True Commish, RobertDaManYan
Re: The Upcoming Fantasy Baseball Season
Statement of Facts
On Sunday, April 5, 2009, a new fantasy baseball begins, a season sure to be full of joy, disappointment, waiver wire pickups, solicitous smack talking, maniacal managerial moves and much more. To preview all of these upcoming situations, “The Man” takes a look at all 16 teams, their strengths, their weaknesses, question marks, as they have been formed after the draft. The Man also would like to remind the few kids who haven’t pay to pay up, or I’m coming around w/ a lead pipe and breakin’ some knees.
1.) PhillyRepeat:
Manager: Joe Clark, Duke University
The Mantle ( Best Draft Pick): Jason Bay. Surprised the Man went so far after Pedroia……This is a perennial 100-30-100 player that’s now in a loaded Boston lineup.
The Olowakandi: (Worst Draft Pick): Felix Hernandez. Queen Felix disappoints every year, and Joe already had Haren as a #1 SP.
The Brady: (Sleeper Draft Pick drafted later than 100 that could come up huge): Shin-Soo Choo: Who? This guy was sick for Cleveland at the end of ’08 and could be big in the middle of that lineup. Think a better version of Matsui circa 2003.
2.) Lawyroids – Manager: Ian Bonifield, Rutgers University
The Mantle: Vladimir Guerrero. Don’t age-discriminate this guy (that would be a tort). Doesn’t matter if he’s 30 or 39, he can hit a ball w/ his bare hands. As well as strangle a chicken.
The Olowakandi: Mariano Rivera. Could have waited a round for an aging closer. (K-Rod + others still available).
The Brady: Paul Konerko (170). Distinct chance of 30 HR’s at a low draft position. Konerko’s a guy who can actually “PutitontheBoard”
3.) Herbie & Buddy- Manger: Lee Linderman, Northwestern University
a. The Mantle: Ian Kinsler. Got the best player at a scarce position who plays in a sandbox w/ a loaded lineup. I rode on this guy’s back (not his dick, Derek) all year last year....he might do the same for Lee.
b. The Olowakandi: Shane Victorino. As much as you love the Flyin’ Hawaiian, he probably woulda been available couple rounds later, especially with fantasy powerhouses like David Ortiz and Carl Crawford still available
c. The Brady: Delmon Young. A product of Camarillo, California, where I now live. This guy still has a lot of potential inside him, including the potential to throw more bats at umpires.
4.) inAD- manager, Vikram Bhargava, University of California- Berkeley
a. The Mantle: Ryan Zimmerman. Young power hitter who plays every day. Love him.
b. The Olowakandi: Edinson Volquez. I will bet 300 rupees that this guy fails this year. Take it to the bank.
c. The Brady: Mighty Max Scherzer. K/9 rate sick, on a good team. Could be this year’s Lincecum.
5.) IceCream Socialists- manager: Hayden Alfano, American University
a. The Mantle: Andre Ethier. Been pimpin’ this man for many years now. Dodgers just gotta let him operate. Check out the facebook group “Andre Ethier is the Man”
b. The Olowakandi: Corey Hart. I smell homer pick. Never trust guys named Corey. (Corey Patterson, Corey Maggette, Corey Williams (Chicago Bulls 1990’s, Corey Pavin- lost me a golf bet once).
c. The Brady: Yovani Gallardo. The draft forum exploded when this guy was picked. Your fantasy baseball professionalism grade was beneficially impacted by this pick.
6.) Tony’s Tigers: manager: Anthony Portelli, Georgetown University
a. The Mantle: David Ortiz. Just read the book “Fantasyland” by Sam Walker. Many have banged their heads against walls for passing on this guy. I think I probably will.
b. The Olowakandi: Eva Longoria. This season, Eva will cheat on her husband again, turn lesbian, and find another gardener……o wait, we’re talking about Evan…Evan will strike out a lot, not be a man crush for Anthony, and not justify his #18 selection
c. The Brady: Jorge Posada. Could be the best catcher this season. At #175.
7.) Team Katinja: Manager- Scott Shannon, Occidental College.
a. The Mantle: B.J. Upton. B.J. stands for Big Juice, what they should call him at Tropicana Field.
b. The Olowakandi: Joe Mauer. Fitting cuz he was also once a #1 pick. Anytime you hear “no definite timetable for his return,” you definitely stay away.
c. The Brady: Mark Reynolds. Matthew Berry projected him for 40 HR’s last season. All craziness aside, Reynolds could easily hit 30 and a ton of RBI’s.
8.) Purple Parrots: Manager- Jibraun Riaz, Washington University in St. Louis
a. The Mantle: Joey Votto. Never mind that he’s Canadian, Votto will pulverize some bad NL Central pitching, like Chris Carpenter, Todd Wellemeyer, Kyle Lohse, Adam Wainwright…….
b. The Olowakandi: Adam Dunn. He’s Dunn hitting 40 HR’s every season now that he’s in Washington.
c. The Brady: Clayton Kershaw. I had to pick a pitcher since all of Jibraun’s picks after #9 where arms. Kershaw best of bunch.
9.) Joe’s Bombers: Manager- Joe Volk, Colorado College.
a. The Mantle: Dan Uggla. Uggla’s numbers are anything but ugly. Only 2nd baseman capable of hitting 30 Hr’s besides Utley.
b. The Olowakandi: Jaysen Werth. Ew. He is NOT good. But his mom is really hot. http://willdo.pwblogs.com/2008/04/25/jayson-werths-hot-mom/
c. The Brady: you have no Brady’s. Only failures.
10.) UCanPutItontheBoard: Manager- Lance Williams, Cornell University
a. The Mantle: Carlos Pena.
b. The Olowakandi: Derek Jeter. He would be a top-3 pick if we counted appearances on covers of baseball video games, but this is real life and he’s deteriorating.
c. The Brady: Howie Kendrick. Howie-wood should be given plenty of opportunity this year, has already established .300-BA, now just needs to build some muscles.
11.) KevDog’s Ballers: Kevin Reyes, Harvard University
a. The mantle: Carlos Delgado. 38 HR’s last year should not be trimmed down too much.
b. The Olowakandi: John Lackey. He sweats too much. On a side note, one of the best parts about Lost: showed Red Sox winning World Series 2004.
c. The Brady: Taylor Teagarden. Sounds like Teabag. I like Teabagging.
12.) A-Rod Blows Jeter: Derek Doherty, UMass- Amherst
a. The mantle: Nick Markakis: Nick the stick will not blow dick this season
b. The Olowakandi: Nate McLouth. McLovin’ is gonna get his ID taken away, along with 15 of last year’s homers.
c. The Brady: Not really a sleeper, but Ricky Nolasco’s numbers last year were no different than Cole Hamels. Yet Nolasco got drafted at 102.
13.) LearnedHandJob: Shouvik Biswas, Purdue (Purdon’t) University
a. The Mantle: Adrian Gonzalez. Love, love, LOVE the Mexican Sensation.
b. The Olowakandi: Miguel Tejada. Friggin’ Cheater.
c. The Brady: Chris Ray. Ray will force George Sherrill into early retirement, settle into closer position.
14.) Pirate Shoes: Blake Horn, Cornell University.
a. The Mantle: Chris Iannetta. Quietly had a coming out party last year. Should be good.
b. The Olowokandi: Chipper Jones. Like I said, he was good about 50 years ago. Now he’s pretty much Frankestein.
c. The Brady: Torii Hunter. The word “Torii” was a spelling word in the National Spelling Bee last year. Means a type of bird. Watch the Spelling Bee this year, ESPN May 26-28.
15.) 2Yankees1Cup: Imran Haque, Boston College.
a. The Mantle: Manny Ramirez. Manny was being 1.000+ OPS on the dodgers last fall.
b. The Olowakandi: I dunno what the fascination w/ J-Roll is. He’s not a top-10 worthy fantasy pick in any league.
c. The Brady: Travis Hafner. Pronk.
16.) RobertDaManYan: Robert Yan, University of Illinois.
a. The Mantle: All of my players are Mantles
b. The Olowakandi: I talked other managers into taking Olowakandis.
c. The Brady: Don’t need Brady’s, ain’t nobody’s gonna stop me. I ain’t never scurred.
Ok....after getting some time to digest all that, here are the highlights of my picks:
1.) Jason Bay and Shin-Soo Choo: How right I was......... lovin' life.
2.) Not so much on the Vlad Guerrero rejuvenation pick: not my best moment, but redeemed myself w/ the Paulie sleeper pick.
3.) Kinsler's a beast.
4.) Scherzer didn't start that hot, but now he's revvin' to go and will only get better as the weather heats up. Pat on back for picking some good young players (Zimmerman as well)
Volquez's 4.33 ERA not a fail, but mediocre at best.
5.) Love myself with the Gallardo pick. Ethier will only get better w/ Manny back.
6.) Worst picks have not coincidentally been old guys, Guerrero and Big Papi so far. Mental note. O and Longoria made me eat my words. This was not a good set.
7.) Ha, picking against Joe Mauer, not good, but Mark Reynolds as Brady almost made up for it, they could be co-MVP's of the fantasy world so far.
The rest: Loved Carlos Pena, was right, was inaccurate in pikcing Olowakandis like Werth, Jeter, and Dunn, and my Brady's were like 80% on. (Best Brady pick: Torii Hunter, even referenced the National Spelling Bee in there. Nice.
Conclusion: I'm a better analyst than Tim Legler. Gimme a whole season of NBA picks one-on-one with that guy, he can go to any number of games and do any number of ESPN telecasts I want, I will beat that guy up and down and in the parking lot. Bring it.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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