I've been really critical about other people recently. Given the spirit of Christmas, let's change that: I'm going to be critical of myself in this post. Given that Elon Musk (I'm reading his juicy book full of big-picture issues of his business life and various personal relationships but also small little intricacies like turning left at a "do not turn left sign," accusing a man on Twitter of being a pedophile, etc.) thinks that it's very possible we're all just avatars in a simulation being run by unknown greater Beings, this is a list of things in the video game of life that would be warnings before you selected the "Robert Yan" character (ranigng from the mild faults and tendencies to major flaws that fundamentally hold me back from my goals and signify general lackings as a person).
Self-criticism No. 1:) I bite my nails. I've done this since I was a kid; I was often nervous as a child and developed this nervous tick, that I've been unable to get rid of as an adult. It's not as bad as some other compulsions like smoking or cutting oneself, but it can also annoy others. I sometimes do without even noticing I'm doing it, but I've noticed I do it more when I'm in a stressed environment or have a deadline coming up.
Self-criticims No. 2) I have problems making up my mind. Sometimes I'll wait until the last second to make a spontaneous decision because I'm stuck between 2 choices that change in attractiveness and vacillate drastically until the second until I have the make the decision. Sometimes this manifests in driving on the highway, approaching a fork, and swerving at the last second to take the other fork.
3.) I'm too nice. This may seem like a humble brag, but it's actually detrimental in our society today and I wish I could overcome it. Just today I saw a man knocking on the door to our apartment building looking a little suspicious (I've never seen him before around the building and he had his pants hanging halfway down his butt). But being that it was Christmas and he was looking directly at me asking me to open the door, I complied, at least remembering to ask him what he was there for, but he marched right past me and said "waiting for his peoples." I instantly regretted being so nice and letting him in as the building had warned of a package thief entering, so I had to follow this guy around the building to make sure he didn't steal anything, and sure enough, after realizing I was tailing him, the guy strolled around for a bit, never waited for "his peoples" to arrive, and walked out the front door. The world has just as many bad people as good people, if not more; I need to be more discerning and not be so naively nice.
4.) I internalize my anger too much. This is the root of a lot of arguments I have with my parents, my wife, my sister, basically everyone who's close to me. I let the anger build up just like in "Anger Management" a VERY on-point movie for me about anger management, I should watch it again to build some lessons and I get very unpleasant when it boils over, to the extent it's not worth it to suppress that anger beforehand and avoid mini-drama, I should just deal with those issues piecemeal instead of letting it boil; but then again I don't like confrontation (see Self-criticism No. 5). There will be times I'm just sitting down not doing anything and a negative thought hits my brain and triggers me to get really upset and throw something. Not a great way to deal with anger.
5.) I don't like confrontation (yet ironically, I get into quite a lot of arguments with those closest to me). I think a lot of people share the general rule of trying to stay cordial, which means even if I disagree with someone, I'll just let it slide or avoid the topic. Sometimes I do this because I don't want to upset the person I'm talking to at the moment, knowing that it will be unpleasant; this is doubly so when I'm talking to my mom or MJ; I know that if I confront there will be an argument and it will lead to an argument. But sometimes this confrontation is necessary, as long as I do it in a calm and measured way, I've learned. As for strangers, I'm starting to alter my behavior to want to say something nicely about a concern; need to find a middle level between staying silent (level 0) and getting upset right away (rarely reach this, but happens when in road rage at traffic or being told I was in the wrong line at Costco). I need to find level 2-5, a moderate level and start there to let some of the steam out.
6.) I'm apparently not good at keeping friends. For some reason I've just been unable to keep friends as an adult, whether it's not being assertive enough to follow up or not keeping a friendship by writing Christmas cards, or doing someething that ticked off the other person (I'm pretty sure this is what drove people away early in my adult life, but in recent years it's just been the natural flow of life that people drift away from me). It led me to be pretty depressed this Christmas weekend, and I definitely felt the sting of Facebook and social media making my depression worse, all these so-called Facebook "friends" who I can't really message in real life but I'm getting jealous of their seemingly wonderful lives of being with large groups of family, wearing matching Christmas sweaters, cooking something that seems to give them so much joy, or the biggest whammy of them all, enjoying life with their children. I guess the adjustable thing to do here is just not to go on social media, but that's difficult when I'm sitting at home alone on Christmas weekend wishing someone would call me and just talk for awhile (am I already a 75-year-old grandpa without grandkids waiting by the phone) to make me feel a part of the world, to feel wanted, to feel thought about. Christmas is family time, I get it; I sometimes also wish I had some other family to call, more couins and relatives who I maintained solid relationships to call.
7.) I'm sensitive. I get super sensitive about perceived insults.
8.) I'm argumentative and the natural instinct is to "win" every argument when I instinctively know form my experience of hundreds of arguments that there is no "winning" arguments with people close to you.
9.) I can't just pause in the middle of an argument and just let it go. I get angrier and angrier and let the beast inside me win. The logical person inside me telling me "just calm down for 2 minutes and you'll avoid a bunch of unnecessary conflict" gets drowned out and the anger (is this the higher Being pressing down on the "GET ANGRY" button causing me to do this?) takes over. That's the one I've never learned to conquer but is the one that's most likely to cause my downfall.
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