Painkiller

 There's another TV series out about the Sackler family and how they started the opiod epidemic through Purdue Pharma and prescribing oxycontin to millions of Americans, getting them addicted to the drug and making billions off the profits of people purchasing the drug. Obviously a horrific thing that millions of people are suffering from, but apparently (according to the showrunner of the new series on Netflix called "Painkiller" (starring Matthew Broderick, so it's not a documentary, more like a docuseries) the Sacklers doubled down on their moral turpitude by telling the relatives of those who died from oxycontin overdoses that they died because their were drug addicts, and that it wasn't their drug's fault. Another exhibit in the ever-increasing exhibits on why never to do drugs, ladies and gentlemen. I get repulsed sometimes just watching people eat or feel greedy about anything, so watching the negative effects of addiction and needing a pill more than anything else in the world is really horrifying to see, especially if it's a parent watching a child fall prey to addiction. It also raises a question, though: how do I feel about art exhibitions, museum wings, and otherwise innocent places that were funded by the Sacklers? The Sacklers reportedly made a lot of money off opiods but wanted to preserve their legacy (kind of like Alfred Nobel not wanting to be known as the guy who created dynamite that killed a lot of people, so he created the Nobel Prize with his money), so they tried to preserve their legacy by funding art like getting the Sackler Wing of the Metropolitan Museum, and parts of the Guggenheim, etc. (places I've been to quite a few times with MJ). Do I have to protest going to those places just because they're associated with the Sacklers? Do I not eat at Chick Filet due to their stance against the LGBTQ community, or do I boycott Nike products because their use of child labor and questionable labor standards in Asia? Hard to say because on the one hand if I'm paying any amount of money to them I feel like I'm feeding the machine where as I could vote with my wallet not to endorse those establishments, but then again am I just being naive to think anything I do would make any impact at all on those corporations, and if I boycott Chick Filet and Nike do I have to research every single company I pay money to, like my Xfinity internet, my IKEA furniture, my Costco food (seems like they pay their employees pretty well and the staff seem happy, but who knows what goes on outside of the news?), my Delta Air flights, my Fidelity IRA savings account? So much to keep track of, is it worth it to even distinguish and seems like a lot of opportunity to be a hippocrite. 

The other day at my plasma donation, I learned some important information; 1.) I should change up the blood flow between my arms; where I've only been drawing blood from my left arm to my right arm, the phlebotomist suggested next time to draw blood from my right arm and send it back in through my left arm. The reason is something to do with how my veins are formed in my right arm that's causing some infiltration issues, and the last 3 times I've donated plasma literally every time I've had an infiltration problem, and this time I could sense something off a little bit off similar to knowing I'd get a static shock from MJ touching me without grounding herself, so I was ready for the weird feeling in my arm from the infiltration, but I still yelped in the donation room, enough to get the attention of all the other donors and nurses in there. Luckily the guy handling the plasma donation was right there monitoring the blood flow, so he cut off the flow less than a second after it started hurting from the infiltration (literally a painkiller!), but it was still a little embarrassing though. This is the first I've heard a nurse suggest a solution to the problem, though, so I appreciated the input, and that's why it's sometimes nice to get a second opinion, even when it's not a doctor. Somebody else has been through other experiences and might see something that the first healthcare provider doesn't. It was such a simple solution too, I guess I was just so happy to be done with plasma donation (sitting there for 3 hours) that I just got out of there and blocked everything out. I wonder sometimes if that's what we need for our fertility clinic.......just a new voice or new person to go in with "fresh eyes" and see if there's a solution to the problem other than just "we're one of the 10-15% of couples that they don't know why we're having fertility issues." That's not very helpful. 

Joker ( 小丑, ジョーカー, 조커)

 I share an HBO Max subscription (now just called Max) with my dad and I often look up "best movies on HBO" and one of the most well-known titles is the Joaquin Phoenix movie "Joker." Very scary movie, although it's not meant to be scary in the traditional horror movie sense of jump-scares and supernatural monsters, etc. The scariest thing about Joker is exactly what most horror movies don't have: the sense that there are a bunch of people in the real world who are like "Arthur Fleck," or the main character of the movie who goes on to become the Joker. Joker came out in 2019, a summer that was fraught with a ton of mass shootings and gun violence, seemingly every weekend there was stories about gun violence somewhere. Joker was so timely in depicting someone who fit the profile of those type of mass shooters, someone who'd been bullied his whole life, who felt like an outcast from society, and gradually devolved into madness. Not excusing his decision to start murdering people, but the movie lets you see the triggers for him ultimately just breaking after holding on for so long. At some point there's something that breaks the camel's back, but we as a society can pay attention to those straws that come before the last straw, whether it's the kids in the beginning who steal his cardboard sign and beat him up in the alley, or drunk businessmen who mock and beat him up on the subway. These are symbols of people in today's society who look down upon others and use social media to "troll" or harass others who otherwise don't mean harm, but are gradually irked and pushed into psychopathy. I've often said that social media and our society's emphasis on heaping praise on the most beautiful, the most physically gifted (sports, best actors, etc.) and those people get way more credit than they deserve, where just one of those "congratulations" or "attaboys" could be used to make the day of someone who no one ever gives credit to, who is struggling in society, who needs some love. Stop hitting "like" on the most popular things on your newsfeed that thousands of people have already liked; it's often that one lonely post that no one likes that actually needs the like or some sort of support. "Capitalist" is the word I think best describes today's attention-seeking culture: the top 1% get the most attention and because of all that attention, get even more attention, like a black hole sucking up all the light and energy around it, where there are people in the dark nethers who never get any attention but actually crave it and need it, just to feel wanted or loved. It's a shame; mass shootings aren't only caused by this kind of culture, but it's definitely a big cause, and mass shootings aren't the only side effect of this attention culture; it's also low self-esteem, caring too much about what everyone else thinks, more and more kids declaring themselves LGBTQ/trans when they're actually not (only doing it because it's cool and you get more attention for it, etc.). I'm pretty over it now, but when I was in high school I cared A LOT about what everyone else thought, and if the cool thing was to declare myself LGBT and I saw others who did it be praised, I'd do it too). 

I recently started re-watching a bit of Breaking Bad; it's got a similar story arc as Joker: relatively good guy Walter White trying to do the right thing at first, but eventually because of his pride and ego he gets sucked into bad things: the gradual deterioration of someone who wasn't valued by his peers, and that bruised ego and chip on his shoulder eventually caused him to become a drug kingpin and brutal murderer. I really hope we can reduce the number of Arthur Flecks and Walter Whites in the real world. 

Maybe motivated in part to trying to help society be just a little better for people, I tried to donate blood today, but alas my iron count was too low! Yup, in addition to having to drink plenty of water the previous day, not have had a tattoo, not had an accidental needle stick, solicited money for sex, had a whole list of diseases, etc., in order to donate blood you need to have a certain minimum hemoglobin level (iron in your blood), and I did not meet that low threshold. Guess I didn't eat enough leafy greens and/or iron-rich foods the last few days. Doh! I tried to help but all I got to show for it was too needle pricks on my typing fingers that I can still feel now (fingers are the most sensitive parts of the body). Gotta pump more iron like Arnold Schwarzanegger! 

Baby Shower (婴儿送礼会, ベビーシャワー, 베이비 샤워)

 I recently attended a baby shower of a close friend in Pasadena (actually San Gabriel, where you can clearly see a change in the county you're in by how many Asian restaurants you see adorning the sidewalk , especially since the Chinese have kind of taken over the whole city) and really had a good time meeting new people (the soon-to-be-dad was Hispanic and the mother was Taiwanese, so I got to experience a variety of cultures and talked to a variety of people), but it made me wonder what the baby shower is actually for.  It's actually a very old tradition, longer than Christmas, Valentine's Day, or Independence Day and all of these "commerce-stimulating holidays" that I tell MJ about to stimulate certain industries; baby showers do stimulate the baby products business but it's a tradition that dates back to ancient Egypt (and India, and other cultures) to welcome the baby into the world and "shower" the mother with gifts so as to be ready for when the baby comes. I personally find it a much more practical occasion than a bridal shower, or bachelorette party, or bachelor party (just an excuse to go party, with nothing really changing that much after a wedding. After a baby arrives in a family, though, it's like your whole world is turned upside down, and getting a bunch of stuff to get ready for that apocalyptical event seems necessary; also it's the last time you see your friends without holding in your baby in your arms and being free to talk for a long time. And another similarity with weddings, at least for the bride: it's more fun to attend other people's baby showers because you don't have to deal with the stress, in the case of a baby shower the extra weight (literally) of a new baby but also likely the later stages of pregnancy. So yes, count me in for baby showers, although I don't think MJ and would be so excited to have one; the more we go to weddings, the more we realize how inconvenient they are, and how much of a burden they impose on guests sometimes, to go all the way across the country and then upon arriving in the correct city, also have to make one's way to the wedding venue, then make it back home to the airport in time for work on Monday. (Yes, this is what MJ and I just went through for a Sunday night wedding.....Monday was painful, and that stretched to Tuesday). So yes, we wouldn't want to impose on anyone to force them to come to another social event, but I'm generally pro-baby showers, especially when the baby's not out yet and the attentions is not completely on the baby (Yup, when I go visit my friends with kids the conversation inevitably is dominated by their children, understandably but sometimes excessively so). This particular San Gabriel baby shower had a pinata event that went great: for the dad who was pulling the rope on the pinata and making all the kids miss when they swung. The dad was having a great time and told me he's looking forward to doing it to his own kid when she comes of age. 

Despite the temperate summer nights, the long days stretching into night, and fantasy baseball playoffs, I still stick by my moniker for the month, "cruel summer." For some reason everything just seems slow this month: my brain is moving slower because there are no new episodes of Jeopardy, my jogging is slowed because it's so humid outside that I'm slow to a crawl, and work days always seem to go super slow. It's the dog days of summer; maybe that's why Green Day came up with that song "Wake Me Up When September Ends." 

Bobby's Bladder (膀胱, 방광)

 MJ and I went to Seattle this past weekend and were instantly greeted with a naked man on Pike Street right next to Public Market.....not the most pleasant of sights, but overall it was a great place to be to hide away from Hurricane Hilary that affected all of SoCal: I could definitely see the allure of living in Seattle in the summer: Pacific Northwest winds to hold down temperatures to reasonable room temperature, possible whale sightings, excellent outdoor scenery (with wow! Green trees and shrubbery everywhere), long days that seem to go on forever, easy access to Canada (many relatives of the wedding couple whose wedding we attended came frmo across the border using 2 ferries), no sign of rain anywhere, at least this weekend. 

I was really worried about my bladder before the weekend, as I just turned 36, who knows what kind of things are deterioraring in my body, if like my dad I'll soon have to scout out a bathroom everywhere I go, if I'm constantly going to be living with a nagging urge to pee. This was what was happening for a full week at home, wake up to go to the bathroom and then having to go every hour or 2, getting up in the middle of the night to pee (not normal for me and causing me not to get a good night's sleep), which triggers memories of watching movies where old people joke about having to get up in night due to their bladders shrinking or having hyperactive bladders. I even googled what was the "normal amount of times to pee in a day." (turns out it's about 6-7 times in a 24-hour period). That's actually kind of high for me (if you don't count also doing No. 2) in a normal situation, but last week it was well over that number like around 9-10. Alarming. Fortunately, I realized over the long weekend of walking, moving around, and new scenery in Seattle, I realized that my bladder performs much better if I get up and move around during the day. I guess since the pandemic started I've just been waking up, sitting at home on my laptop, and not going anywhere, so my bladder's just sitting there not being worked like a muscle, and all it wants to do is work. That's why when I'm working at home I can't go much more than an hour and a half without getting up to go, but on a long cross-country flight I can hold it for the duration and not need to pee even once (I've even went international flights over 10 hours without using the restroom). As long as I get up and move around, take a walk, bladder starts to "activate" and I forget about peeing. I know, it's weird, I looked it up and it's not really documented in medical science. (I did find, though, that contradictory to common sense, drinking more water actually helps the bladder and the urge to pee because it expands the bladder and forces it to work, so you don't have to pee as often). So if anyone has that unbearable feeling of needing to use the bathroom more and more, Dr. Bobby prescribes: EXERCISE! 

One of the underrated things I do at a wedding is meeting new people and talking to them. It's unlike most social situations like seeing someone in an elevator: you're not sure if you should start a conversation, you don't know the other person or know what to talk about, either party might be in a bad mood, etc. At a wedding, though, there's free drinks flowing so everyone is happy, everyone is in a mood to celebrate the occasion of a couple getting married, and the easy icebreaker question to start a conversation: "so how do you know the couple?" Turns out the new people we met at the wedding this time were the bride's dad (had a lot of stories about the 1970's and a "free life" during that time), bride's mom who ran a bed and breakfast, bride's uncles.... a very animated family who had no problems talking about everything especially after a few drinks. I'm also at my best when I'm allowed to talk about anything and engage in free-form conversation, and a few drinks (although not necessary) never hurts. And of course being just a guest at a wedding and not having any special roles takes all the pressure off. 

One more thing about Seattle: I'm quickly becoming a big fan of the Chihuly Glass Garden. Situated right under the Space Needle (aka the 400-day miracle for having been built in 400 days), it's got some incredible displays by the glass sculptor Dale Chihuly. Just don't bring the kids if they're the ones to touch colorful objects (we saw a child and her parents being escorted out). 

Ordinary World

 But I won't cry for yesterday

There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Lyrics to another great song I'm just learning the title of: I happened to hear it while watching a TV series preview for the Emmy-nominated series "Sweet Tooth" on Netflix....."Ordinary World" plays throughout the preview, but not by its original singers, Simon LeBon and Duran Duran. Great song for singing about an apocalyptic world, which is what Sweet Tooth was about. So many great TV series, so little time! And they're all rated 90% or higher on Rotten tomatoes! It's so hard to catch up. MJ just went to watch Oppenheimer on Sunday and the only thing I could think of was, "Man, that's a 3-hour movie! Plus previews was probably 3.5 hours.... I don't have that much time!" The whole world could change within that 3 hours without your phone. 

I recently picked up a book called "100 Trails, 5000 Ideas...." and it's essentially my summer hike for 2023: I can picture myself going through all those hikes. It's almost like being there and hitting the highlights. I probably will never hike the Appalachian Trail (fun fact: not the longest trail in America, nor the oldest trail, and not the hilliest, but if you walk the whole trail due to the dips and rises in elevation it's like the equivalent of having climed Mount Everest), but I'll have hit the highlights in 1 millionth of the time it took to do so. I'll never do the Pacific Crest Trail, or the John Muir Trail, or the Pacific Northwest Trail, but some of the smaller ones like the Seattle Waterfront Trails seem doable (especially since MJ and I are going to Seattle this weekend!) and Tallulah Gorge in Georgia (never heard of it but seems like a big Georgia thing). I had gone to some of the trails listed like the Narrows in Utah (fun walk I did almost 10 years ago, just remember having to wear special boots to traverse through water), and Riverwalk in San Antonio (apparently the most popular tourist draw in the state, MJ and I took the river tour, it was like Venice except more.....urban and commercial, unfortunately). Of course hikes and vacations are done best in person; I just rode my bike for an hour and the important thing was getting out in the world and also not staring at a screen doing Chinese or Japanese translations the whole day, but it's also the potential of being out there and being able to go miles and miles in any direction, to imagine what other fun trips are out there, the smell of the wind and the green grass that can't be duplicated especially on late summer evenings. But I guess I do like the smell of the 100 Trails book.... it's new and reminds me of a bookstore, another place I can go wherever I want and go miles and miles in any direction, but not have to travel anywhere to do it (and enjoy the nice comforts and benefits of indoor A/C). 

While We're Young (趁我们还年轻, 私たちが若いうちに, 우리가 어릴 때)

 I've watched a lot of Ben Stiller movies over the years, and I realized he's probably one of the top actors for me in terms of number of movies I've seen with him in it, from Zoolander to Meet the Family to The Secret Life of Malter Mitty to the movie that I wish there will be a sequel coming out soon, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, not to mention others like Anchorman in which he plays a small part. I even saw The Heartbreak Kid! Maybe I'm just at a different age now, but I've never seen as thought-provoking a Ben Stiller movie as the one I just saw, "While We're Young" about a couple in their 40s who went through a lot of turmoil trying to have a kid but didn't, and then meet a 20-something couple who they gravitate towards because Ben Stiller's character wants to be a younger version of himself. That really resonated with me. Part of the frustrating thing about this whole baby thing is that it reminds me of my younger self, that it would have been easier if we were younger versions of ourselves, and that we can't go back to those younger days, no matter how hard we try. The movie also makes some good points about younger people doing some stupid things like trying ayahuasca and not paying for the bill, which also resonated with me, but the main thing is the being young part, and the doubt and fear that you've wasted your life somehow (Ben Stiller's character is a documentary filmmaker who spent 10 years on one film and still didn't finish it, which does indeed seem like a waste of time). I sometimes (unfairly) give MJ a hard time for not having done certain things earlier in her life, but I also have fears of wasting my life; did learning these languages really matter? Did playing dodgeball, a kids' game, all those years intefere with actually trying to have a kid? Does anything really matter? Did my youth go waster, and I wasted the time I had "while I was young?" Ironically, the term "While we're young" is used by people when someone else is taking too long at something, like sitting in traffic telling the pedestrian crossing the street to go faster, or waiting in line to use the public bathroom. That whole phrase really emphasizes how important it is to accomplish things while we still have the time to. 

There's another small, underappreciated part in the movie, though, where Ben Stiller talks to his adult friend who's just had a baby about parenting and what's having a baby like, and the truth is it's hard; it adds a layer of complication to life that's hard, no matter how old you have the baby, and no one's ever ready for it. Am I really just dying to have a baby? Not really, I guess. I see other people having babies and I get jealous and craving what they don't have like a neighbor looking at someone's lawn, oh and I want to deliver at least one grandchild to my parents so they can experience the feeling of passing the torch to the next generation (MJ might feel that it is unfair to have to put her through pregnancy just to give something to my factors, but in truth it is a factor); would I survive another 5, 10 years without a baby? Sure I could. It's just this deadline thing of having limited time to have a baby, literally "while we're young." We have to do it or we lose the ability to. That's really the hard part, and clinging to the last vestiges of youth and the sweet times of little responsibility and living free in the world, knowing that it's soon to give away to parenthood and as MJ reminds me often, "my good days will be over." 

There are so many pithy expressions in life that are thrown around in the media or by people you meet, one of them by job counselors telling you to "follow your passion." I just listened to a job expert on a podcast basically say "that's the worst advice you can get." You should actually NOT follow your passion at least for job seeking, and actually do what you're good at, or what the market demands, because your passions often change, you change as a person, and you can't change your career that fast when your passions suddenly change (imagine if I had followed my 29-year-old self's passion of dodgeball). A lot of those pithy expressions are found in Nathan Chen's book, btw, which I read but realized he's not that gifted of a writer, it was just a personal diary of him going through his Olympic experiences as a "generational" talent at figure skating, which is great for him but it's tough for ordinary people like me reading the book to get any solid advice from that, it's probably more likely I have more exerpience and wisdom as a 36-year-old guy with little to no talent trying to make it in this world than it is that the 20-year-old Nathan Chen can teach me anything actionable. Anyway, "While We're Young" also debunks popular myths about having a baby and that "it changes you for the better," where the movie just says those same people telling you that will start assuring you "it'll be better later" as soon as you get home from the hospital for the baby. That's not... that reassuring. The whole movie is a little anti-baby, TBH, where Naomi Watts once calls America a "baby cult" encouraging people to have babies.....I can see that. Bottom line, no one can predict what it means for me personally, and I (and MJ) need to make the decision ourselves. 

I just went to a baby shower today. Everybody seemed so happy and welcoming for the baby to come! Best of luck to the parents. But was it another example of the "baby cult" claiming another one into their ranks? Haha. 

A fence needs three poles and a hero needs three helpers (一个篱笆三个桩，一个好汉三个帮)

 This past week I spent some time with my friends at a beach house.... at least, they used to be my friends, now they seem more like parents to their children, and their identities intricately weaved with that of their children so that their first names are forever associated with "Luke's dad" or "Henry's mom." It was a giant shift in my friendship with them, as moving forward I will not just be friends with them, but with their children. I was the only one at the beach house without a child, so I tried my best to help as best as I could when a child left shattered glass on the ground by dropping a cup during breakfast, or keeping a kid pre-occupied while his parents had to be somewhere else for a minute (back to my camp counselor days), but I realized how all-consuming parents' responsibilities are. 

I can't imagine raising a child without at least 2 parents/ responsible people. Well, I can imagine it, but I can't imagine how incredibly difficult that must be for a single mother. The parents' job involves changing diapers, waking up the baby, packing the baby's bags, preparing breakfast, lunch, and dinner, feeding the baby milk, putting on the babys' clothes, giving the baby a bath, putting the baby down for a nap, getting the stroller ready for baby to go for a walk, reading a book for the baby, getting the baby to take mediciation......and that's not even including any unexpected emergencies (like the glass shattering, baby crying for unidentified reasons, baby getting sick....) it's all such a departure from the normal life of a childless adult. The parents have to be the poles that keeps the fence upright, and it's a permanent job; the fence needs to be upright for at least 18 years, and who knows after 18 if the fence can stay upright on his or her own. It requires a lot of patience by the parents, a lot of problem solving, and working together to make sure they are supporting each other and tagging out when each needs a break. It also seems like it's easy to get upset at each other with communication and dealing with stressful situations, and there were definitely times my friends seemed like they were on the breaking point. On the flip side, though, the common problem of childcare seemed like a challenge that the parents were working together to solve and to be united in their common goal, almost so that they became closer by going through those tough times together. And amidst all the "chaos" (an actual term one of the parents used for all the kids running around), there were definitely times they sat back and enjoyed having a live baby in their arms, smiling and happy to be alive (seemingly, and only until the next thing they cried about like not getting to eat a whole muffin or diaper felt uncomfortable, depending on the age). 

Being the helping hand I like to think I am, I tried to lend a hand wherever needed, like washing dishes, emptying the garbage can, but parents with multiple kids really have it tough: they divide and conquer, agreeing to take one kid outside while the other did an independent task with the other child. I really felt bad for some of my friends in how busy they became without time for a break (only mid-day when the kids went to bed and at night when the kids had been put to bed) and wondered how they managed without help. In this analogy, the parents are the ones who are a fence (maybe literally keeping the kids in the home) and the heroes who need 3 helpers in the neverending journey of parenthood. No matter how well-behaved and docile the child, there will always come a time when the child has a breakdown (MJ and I have both have breakdowns all the time even well into our 30's)... it's just what babies do. It's that complete dependence from age 0 to about age 3.5 (somewhere between 3 and 4 the kids start to understand language and commands and to do what they're told) that is daunting, needing the parent to give everything financially, mentally, and physically (some of these kids weigh a lot, and I may have underestimated how easy it is seeing other parents carrying them around- more than one parent this week told me that they were having back problems), but I imagine that's also the heroic part of it and the way to develop emotional attachment: that kid will not survive without you, so you're like the savior and provider of life itself, more than just the mom bringing the baby into the world (which is not to be taken for granted, another hard thing to do). Shoutout to my new friend I met this week whose family has a 3-year-old (very active and running around, but listens to directions and smiles a lot, making it all worth it), with twin newborns. That mom is really something, delivering all these kids and having to breastfeed, prepare food, get up in the middle of the night multiple times to attend to TWO crying babies, who are sometimes crying together in sympathy ("sympathy crying") while somehow trying to enjoy motherhood. (I still wake up moody and irritable if I get woken up just a little early from a good night's sleep, so lack of sleep would be a killer). That's tough. 

Don't hold me to this, but I might only want one child now; no telling how difficult that child will be, and how many poles or helpers that fence/hero will need. At least now I know what I'm "signing up for" as a parent.  

Failure is the mother of success (失败是成功之母, 失敗は成功の母, 실패는 성공의 어머니)

 The title phrase has become used a bit too much as to become trite, and indeed I may have used it in a previous blog entry, but I use it in a very specific context: I read the Nathan Chen memoir about his success at the 2022 Beijing Olympic Games, you know, THE American figure skater, the "Quad King" himself because of the spectacular amount of quads he executes in his skating performances, Nathan Chen....that guy is more of a Chinese American than I realized. Son of Chinese immigrants much like my parents were, he grew up in a family with 5 kids in Salt Lake City (is that area just generally more of a fertile area?) and apparently had a great relationship with his mom, who he credited with his gold medal at the Beijing Games, saying his mom was there with him ever since he was 3. Nathan included Chinese quotes in each of his chapters (shame, I don't know if he speaks Chinese that well, with all the time devoted to skating and all) and "failure is the mother of success" was one of them, but in his case it seems like "Mother is the mother of success." It's so important how parents but especially mothers do for their kids to lead them to a successful life, and I was (shockingly) moved to tears a bit in the middle of the library reading Nathan's life imagining what it's like to be a parent seeing a son be able to give that sort of speech after reaching such a big accomplishment. Probably feels like you won at life; but also, props to Nathan's mom for giving birth to 5 kids! MJ and I are struggling even coming up with one. 

As I mentioned earlier, I am one of those people who gets motivated by failure, as so much of my motivations are driven by a perceived slight by others as looking down on my skills (wanted to pursue chess because I lost games to others, studied Japanese because co-workers didn't think I knew Japanese, studied Korean because MJ said my Korean was "very basic," and got into trivia because the wife of a law school friend once gave me the cold shoulder because I wasn't good enough for her at trivia). I get motivated by failures, but I do hope those failures eventually turn into success, like maybe the Failure Mother can get pregnant soon and give birth to a a big ball of energy called success? Also, it sure seems like the cultural icons American society celebrates nowadays aren't the best representatives of those who had to "fall down 7, get up 8," and fail multiple times before they succeeded.....seems like there are a lot of Cardi B's, Taylor Swifts, Youtubers, and the like who immediately got success and never had to battle it out and start from the bottom before finally reaching a peak. I appreciate those who DID have to fail many times, thought they could achieve their dreams but got shot down time and time again, before eventually, through some miracle or just pure perserverance, getting a lucky break and "making it." Basically, I'll continue taking the Jeopardy test and get motivated each time I feel like I did decently on it didn't hear anything back. 

For some reason, probably flying in the face of reality, I have a natural presence on camera. I "did a thing" this past weekend that I can't be specific about at all, but I was basically on camera and told to exhibit great energy and I think I passed with flying colors! I just enjoy finally being able to put my winning personality and enthusiasm on camera, I guess, but I was not shy at all, smiled the whole time, and was able to keep myself from swaying back and forth (I think) and didn't stutter when I talked. It's like I was born for this! I kind of understand why there are so many wannabe actors in the world but specifically LA now (and so many currently on strike marching in the SAG-AFTRA battle)- being on camera is kind of a cool feeling, knowing you're the center of attention and FINALLY everyone's listening to you and you can just be yourself and talk about something (and if you're like me, have a joke or 2 ready to break down the nerves). I really dislike having to talk in meetings about the law because I fear sounding dumb or saying something wrong, but when it's just spiffing about casual conversation or something I know about, I can be as happy as you want me to be and for as long as you need me to be! Despite my rather mundane looks and rarely-represented-on-TV demographic, I really feel like I'm in the wrong industry. I was meant to be a STAR! I just needed the "quad king" skills of Nathan Chen and the boyish good looks. Alas, the world will never know what it was missing with Bobby Yan as the star of of a show. 

Look Ma, No Hands (不用手骑自行车, 手を使わずに自転車に乗る, 손 없이 자전거 타기)

 The last couple days I accomplished something I was never able to do as a kid, even though most kids learn to do it: it's like swimming, or jumping off a diving board, or going on a roller coaster: pretty daunting at first, but after you master it, feels like no sweat at all and most people can do it like it's nothing. I'm talking about riding a bicycle with no hands. I never summoned up the courage as a kid, but also never as a teen, a young adult, nor even a 30-year-old adult to try to ride with no hands. I always had pretty bad balance, so I tipped over pretty quickly when trying to balance sitting on a bike with just my butt, but the more important thing was: I was just afraid. For that split second when I lose control of the wheels and I feel like my body is going to be driven right into the ground, I feel that familiar grip of fear taking control and the natural survival instinct telling me to grab onto the handlebars at all costs, even though I'm literally inches above the ground and falling down would only create a skid or a scratch, AND I'm wearing a helmet. But the last 2 days, I just went for it, let my hands completely off the handlebars, let the legs do the talking, and went for more than 20 seconds without hands before it got tiring. I don't see what the big deal is; riding with no hands is actually slower because the hands aren't there to create more leverage on the bike and allow the legs to drive the bike forward, so I feel my legs getting sore pretty quickly without even moving much, and also it's definitely a little harder with a strong wind; the wind can veer my body in a certain direction and make it tricky to keep moving forward, which is the key: legs just have to keep moving forward, otherwise stopping at a standstill makes the bike tilt to one side and crash. Even in my old age, I was able to accomplish something; it's never too late. 

I wish I could say the same thing about 2 more significant accomplishments in life I've been trying to attain: getting on TV and babymaking. After being a little disappointed each time MJ's cycle ended without a pregancy but thinking maybe it was a blessing in disguise and allowing us more time to experience our lives, I'm now a bit in panic mode and something MJ kept urging me not to be: desperate. It doesn't help that seemingly everywhere I go nowadays I see baby pictures or real live babies. Facebook page, seemingly all my Facebook friends are bragging about their summer vacation holidays with.......the baby (or babies). Random Korean TV shows I watch have cute kids of parents who support them. I walk to the library and out come a mom with an infant baby and a 3-year-old walking along beside her. Is it possible for a man's (instead of a woman's) biological clock to be ticking? 

The story of riding a bike with no hands should be a moral about not being scared to try and trying everything, but unfortunately for someone like me it's apparently just not cut out to try. In my youth (probably influenced my American TV) I thought I could be on a reality TV show or something, and fame was in my future, but after multiple failures of sending in audition tapes and going to casting calls without hearing anything back (looking back, going to a Big Brother casting call, waiting in line for 3 hours only to get to say 1 sentence in front of a casting director before being led out to the back and released should have made me realize the TV business is not like riding a bike and going in with no hands could really do damage to my ego/psyche), but I tried out for a game show recently, was invited to audition, went to the studio with high hopes, turned in my phone dutifully as per the rules........and sat in the contestant room all day without ever getting picked to play, only being told at the end of the day that I was an alternate and would not be getting chance. One of the more devastating days of my life, even though it wasn't all that bad from an outsider's perspective: I hung out for a day with other game show hopefuls, I got a free lunch, I did a once-in-a-lifetime thing. The problem was that it dashed my dreams mercilessly and made me feel really small. Psychologically, it was worse than falling from my bike and landing flat on my face: just the realization that the TV business does not need people who look like me, that no matter how much energy I try to muster in the auditions and make jokes and do funny dances and bring what I think is "game show energy," I can never how I look, and my look is not the look that American TV wants. It's a business; TV shows need to use whatever will help their bottom line and do what's best for them, and it leaves me in a lurch. I keep trying to tell myself not to think about it, but there's really no band-aid big enough to hide the scar that the experience had on me; I had a purpose and a drive to be on trivia shows, and now I feel the bubble is burst, and I'm just in a rut of wallow and self-pity; on back to back days I forgot routine things like attening a homeowners' association meeting and to attend a blood donation that I had signed up for. The pain is real.