MJ and I have recently started seriously contemplating becoming parents and have had some deep discussions about starting a family (having a child). It's one of the most serious discussions a couple, maybe even any human being can have: bringing another child into the world. While we sometimes argue over some details, we are generally aligned in a desire to become parents, but it's a little more complicated than that: when to have a child, are we having children for the right reasons, are we ready to have a child, is the world we're bringing the child into a world worth living in?
I have to admit that one of my motivations right now is that I'm falling behind: a lot of my friends and peers are having children if not already have children, and I feel like the guy in 2nd grade all over again who's watching everyone else figure out how to build a volcano but I'm the last one. It is a legitimate reason due to age being a factor and fertility, but it shouldn't be the primary reason obviously: shouldn't just rush in to do something because you feel like you're running out of time or that other people are all doing it.
I've always just assumed that I would become a parent, as my parents had been: it's just the natural cycle of life, and all my friends naturally were part of families that did choose to have children; it never occurred to me that some couples decide not to have children. So I stated off biased, but I had such a great time working with kids in summer camp that I always thought I'd have them myself one day.
Biggest risks: Lose a ton of sleep which I value highly, and it would affect my moods/ emotions. Lose free time to do the things that I want to do, as taking care of a child is a full-time job in itself and takes over as the No. 1 priority for most parents (no more dodgeball, less time to go jogging, no time for my own). It's easy to say I am willing to make these sacrifices on this side before having a kid, but the permanence of having a kid and not ever being able to go back to this life definitely gives me pause, as it would anyone. Looking at it one way, it's kind of crazy why any adult would give up the life they had (assuming it was a desirable, nice life) and take the risk that it will add a whole lot of responsibility and problems/ issues, disrupting the previous nice life irrevocably. Not to mention financial costs and burdens of having a kid. You'd have to really value that thing to make the sacrifice, and the kid had better be worth it. On the other hand, if we DON'T become parents, we risk forever not being able to have a child join our lives, to feel the love and caring of our own family that we created. Most people throw caution to the wind at the prospect of life and love, trumping other desires and wants.
Whenever I think about all these factors and considerations, I come back to the principle that: Life and love are expensive. Maybe not necessarily expensive financially, but for time, energy, spiritually, everything, they sap time and energy. But just as MJ and I are both willing to add another person in our lives even though there's so much risk of arguments, things getting dirty, and things we don't agree on, we're ultimately willing to commit to each other despite those risks, which in a way cements our relationship that we're willing to continue on despite all of these challenges, and becoming parents will just be the next step in that risk-taking, albeit an ever bigger step.
Easy for me to say, I'm the man who doesn't have to carry the baby. The current process is the most difficult for MJ and all mothers out there, who have to carry the baby for 9 months and go through the birthing process full of hospital visits, weight gain, nauseau, and all types of things happening to their bodies, then actually give birth (or do a C-section, both of which have their own challenges and pain) and THEN the baby finally comes out, and then the hard part starts! Of breast-feeding, diaper-changing, holding-in-arm, dressing them. Having had the serious discussion, it's much more than seeing cute baby pictures on social media and having the fun times at a summer camp; as an African idiom says, "it takes a village," and the parents have to be the chiefs of that village. It's something I look forward to so much but also with almost equal amounts of apprehension. One giant step for mankind: Becoming parents.
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