December 8

 December 7 is a big day in the U.S. because it is the day in 1941 that Pearl Harbor was attacked many members of the United States Navy died in the raid. A sad day indeed. I will always remember December 8 because it was my grandpa's birthday, and he would have turned 96 on this day. It's been about 2.5 months since my grandpa passed away, but I still remember all the events leading up to his leaving us, and now I can fully appreciate the pain that people carry with them of loved ones passing away. The instant reaction afterward is difficult, but the mind is still processing and digesting as the information hasn't really sunk in, the 5 stages of grief sets in, and there are quite a few emotions flying around. It's the time afterwards, as time goes on, that the loss fully creeps in as I realize I won't be flying home this Christmas to see my grandpa, I won't be studying Chinese and reading newspapers with him for an hour each day (or every other day), and I won't be celebrating his birthday with him and wishing him another year of health. There's 2 lives: the life I had before my grandpa passed away, and the life now afterwards, and there's no going back to that other one. It's kind of related to the sadness/joy I feel when I see a sad movie or someone achieve success or accomplish their goals on TV or in a movie (I know, kind of conflicting emotions) but it's because I know that life will not always be like that, and to enjoy that moment of triumph and elation. 

The other day I learned about Pascal's wager, an idea by French philosopher Blaise Pascal that a rational person should live as though God exists because the upside is greater than the downside: The upside being eternal bliss in heaven (AND avoiding eternal in hell) as opposed to downside just losing out on some time or material pleasures like living hedonistically. As with any theory there are arguments for and against Pascal's wager, and it seems paradoxical to act a certain way for your own self-gain since the whole idea of God is something bigger than selfishness, but I know that people's ideas change as they grow older, and especially older people tend to believe more in God (possibly for selfish reasons as they know death is more imminent the older one gets). I know my grandfather started to get solicited by door-knockers who handed out pamphlets about joining church and literature about religion, and I know he always believed in a 上帝, or God in Chinese, just maybe not necessarily Jesus, Muhammed, or any of the other gods in other religions. The more i read about metaverses and matrixes (new Matrix movie coming out this month) the more I start believing that the world we live in could be another dimension or simulation, that there mght be something else besides this world we're in, maybe not a God or Higher Being but some other sort of living and existence outside of life. And if there is one, I'm pretty sure my Grandpa would be there now, doing math using old school pen and pencil or reading a newspaper on a lazy Sunday morning or taking a walk out in the garden with the rejunevated energy of his youth. Maybe my grandma is there with him too. 

Happy Birthday, grandpa! Hope you are enjoying it wherever you are.