The last 48 hours have been deeply troubling for me as I reconcile my grandfather's passing and conflicting emotions of sadness, frustration of not being able to do more to help him, anger at the hospital for seeming so callous about the situation (I know it's their job to handle sick people and deah all the time, but it seemed like they were just there to do a job, no human compassion) mixed in with just a little bit of relief that my grandfather doesn't need to do doctor visits anymore, blood tests that bruise up his arm, cough uncontrollably and otherwise suffer from the various afflictions that plagued him, culminating in the most recent unpleasant hospital stay that confined him to a bed and didn't allow him to get up and use the restroom and had various IV's injected into his arm as well as breathing aids stuffed into his nose and morphine injected into his body to calm him down and make him feel better. Relief that he no longer has to feel the deterioration of his body as he went from being a healthy 90-year-old being able to exercise in the morning and walk around the neighborhood to being forced to move downstairs from upstairs due to being unable to walk up the stairs as well as needing a walker and cane to go anywhere, and running out of energy to do some of the things he liked to do most, go to the senior citizens center where he met with his other elderly friends and living his life. I hope that he is now in a better place and can get back to the healthy, energetic teacher who could hear everything I said clearly and had the energy to teach me Chinese, walk me to school through the inner city streets of Chicago, to learn English in order to adapt the culture in America even at age 68, to give encouraging bits of advice and provide history lessons regarding Chinese empires and political change. That's the grandfather I knew and loved and will always remember, and as long as I remember him he will be a part of this world forever, his memory and inspiration living on.
I've never been to a funeral, much less organize a funeral, which is why I was confused and consented to whatever the nurses told us the night my grandfather died. I wasn't thinking anything about where to send my grandfather to, just trying to get over the schock of it all, but the nurse in charge seemed ready to eject us and my grandfather out of the hospital as soon as possible, asking if it was OK that we had him sent to the funeral home that the hospital had a connection with. The many years of training I've had as a lawyer to question everything as well as general adult experience gave way in that moment to my general aptness for being agreeable, and along with parents just did whatever the nurse suggested, noting in the moment that the nurse seemed a bit too eager to call in the funeral home to take my grandfather's body away. In reality, I believe every hospital should have a storage area to temporarily store to afford the family some time to find a funeral home of their choice. Regardless, I now realize how deeply depressing it is for all loved ones out there to organize a funeral right after their family member has just passed away.....suddenly there's all these costs to discuss, whether the body would be cremated or buried, when the service and visitation hours would be, what kind of urn to carry the ashes, and ordering death certificates. It didn't help that the funeral director walked in like she was in a hurry, skipping the formalities (a "sorry for your loss" would have been nice) and launched into pricing plans, like we were buying a used car or discussing a business transaction. In America (maybe the world), even funerals and death is commericalized into a profit-seeking business. I feel for all those family members out there who have to pull it together hours after seeing their family members pass away in front of them and still recovering from the shock to try to process what happened and that they will not be seeing their family member, as I did, to start discussing funeral arrangements, with the funeral home pushing the urgency of getting the body cremated before a certain time before it decays too much. I really wish we didn't have to go through that, and I really wish my grandpa didn't have to go through this.
Nevertheless, I will do my best at the funeral and from now on to remember the best memories of my grandpa, to value his life lessons and celebrate his life in the best way that we can, and share his teachings and energy with the world so that he can live forever.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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