The 4 P's

I've seen it so many times in movies and on TV: the family of a patient at a hospital sitting in the hospital while the patient is lying in bed, anxiously waiting for any news of the patient's condition or waiting for that person to wake up. I've always seen it on TV but never wanted to experience, but this weekend I got my first-hand experience. I rushed from work directly to the hospital on Friday and stayed until I had to go back home, then came back directly to the hospital for Saturday and Sunday. 

I feel bad for patients; a hospital is not a pleasant place to be at (and maybe a little for nurses and doctors to who have to stay in the same environment). No one ever said, "hey let's go something fun today. Why don't we walk around the hospital?" After spending the whole day in one room, my clothes, my hair, everything started to feel like the hospital. I can't imagine what's it to like for long-term patients or those who have chronic illness to be in a hospital all the time. I rode up in the elevator with a lady who exclaimed resignedly, "it feels like I live here." Especially for MJ who had a broken leg and can't walk out of the room at all, get fresh air, move her body, change the air she breathes, it has to be extremely difficult. 

The orthopedic wing (leg injuries, diseases) of this hospital we are in at least has this principle of the 4P's: position, partner, potty, pain. Those are the 4 main areas the patient has to focus on: being in the right position, being a partner in the treatment process, potty, and manage the pain, and there was plenty of that for MJ this past weekend. Just constantly in pain......it's no way to live. No wonder there are chapels in hospitals, not just for those who are visiting to pray for the patients but maybe for the patients themselves to find the strength to continue living, since they are constantly being threatened with unbearable pain. It's tears-inducing, scream-causing pain that comes unexpectedly, arbitrarily, and at any time. And to combat that pain, the only thing offered was narcotics, specifically oxycodone, which I did a double-take when I heard it the first time because it sounds exactly like what it is on the news: an opioid that if taken excessively, puts users at risk for addiction and eventual death, the cause of the significant opioid crisis in the U.S. Can't take too much for fear of addiction, can't take too little because it's painful as hell. Between a rock and a painful place, an extreme Goldilocks dilemma. 

Position- Since MJ had a leg injury, she had to make sure her leg is in the right position to be healed, which means not moving it. I am one of the most fidgety people in the world who always needs to change position and move my body in some way, so immobility might be worse than just the pain. Even a slight bending of the leg or knee in the wrong way or facing the wrong direction might cause pain later or slowing of the healing process. And MJ complained of muscle spasms all weekend, where her muscles were cramping but she couldn't do anything about it. Really quite difficult for a husband to watch without being able to do anything. 

 

Potty- MJ went by days without having a bowel movement, which is distressing but also understandable because she's not eating anything ahead of the surgery, not eating much after the surgery because of painkillers, not digesting well because she's not moving.... .everything about being in a hospital is not healthy, yet it's what we need to do to get healthy. Potty is difficult especially without being to move. I've gained some appreciation for being able to use the restroom without restriction, because a patient is not, and it's embarrassing to ask to use the restroom. 

Partner- I'm still not completely sure what partner means, I think it has to do with the nurse partnering with the patient, but it is actually really important to have a spousal partner present as well! To do little things like feeding the patient, charging the patient's phone, putting shower cap on (remember, patients can't shower, especially immobile patients). But mainly just a source of moral support. to combat this dreadful situation together. And this is all before surgery, which MJ needs 2 of. 

This past weekend has granted me much more appreciation about what it's like to be a patient at a hospital. Those 4 P's are no joke. 

Circle of Protection 보호의 원, 保护圈, 保護の輪

When I was a kid I was super nerdy and liked to collect Magic the Gathering cards, a type of trading card game that many fellow nerds of my generation know about. The cards all have a creature or spell or curse or wall or something magical on them, and they can used for combat, and the stronger the card the better. A very common card was called a "Circle of Protection" which made you immune to certain type of attacks, from "red" cards or "black cards." I always envisioned in my minds these circles of protection to be a magical ring or cloud that surrounded the user, there to protect whenever any threats came along. 

Well, in my life I've been super lucky in terms of health, never sustaining any sports injuries, never breaking any bones, never getting super deep cuts, never needing to go to the hospital or even get any stitches. The only thing close was getting hit by a baseball in the eye when I was 11 years old, but I think I just put some ice on it, slept for 12 hours, and started healing afterwards. Point is, I've been able to avoid injuries remarkably well for someone who has been pretty active. I theorize why I've been so lucky and usually conclude that A.) I had a lot of nutrition growing up and especially drank a lot of my milk so my bones are in great shape, B.) My genes are pretty good as no one in my family sustains any injuries neither, C.) I never try to go all-out and attempt things I can't do, once I feel like I might injure myself I stop, not falling for the "Just do it" slogans Nike created or my P.E. teacher's refrain of "mind over body" whenever someone couldn't climb a rope or do one more pushup; I always thought those were good ways to injure oneself, forcing one's body to do more than it can handle/wants to do. Finally, D.) I've had an irrational/ mythical belief that every mother gets a choice when they give birth to a child what distinguishing feature they'd want the kid to have, like Achilles's mom opted to give him invincibility and dunked him in the River Styx or some other mythical body of water to give him those powers, well I think my mom, instead of choosing fame, massive wealth, supermodel good looks, super intellect, or superior athletic ability, instead gave me the best gift a mother could, that of eternal (well, not eternal but lifelong) good health. Happiness and health, those are 2 things that every parent would want for their kids, and I've been very lucky to have those 2.

Well, this week especially I wish I could transfer my circle of protection to my dear wife, MJ, who suffered a broken leg falling off her scooter while getting to school, a very difficult experience I'm sure that's causing her a lot of pain and having to stay at the hospital all week. She's already been through one surgery and will probably need another one. Brutally bad luck, and I feel bad, but I feel even worse that I literally don't know what kind of pain she's going through; I've never experienced it. While MJ has gone through various hospitals in various countries over the years, the only time I've ever been to a hospital was when I was born (I don't remember it) and when my sister was born. Literally no other times, not even to see an ailing grandparent or something. Like I said, I've been super lucky. I wish I could transfer that circle of protection to MJ, like giving her the invisibility cloak in Harry Potter or something. I wrote earlier that being a law firm associate must be lonely, but being a patient at a hospital must be pretty lonely too: everyone out there in the world going about their day with freedom, while you're stuck nursing your sickness or injuries in a hosptial bed waiting to one day be able to be released and enter the outside world. 

Fantasize on, 

Robert Yan 

Busy as a Bee (눈코 뜰 새 없다), (猫の手も借りたい), 不可开交

My wonderful wife MJ, who is often very busy herself, calls me "Busy Bee Bobby" whenever I get so busy that I'm ignoring her. Busy as a bee, of course, is a very common English expression for being really busy, evoking the image of a worker bee flying from one flower to another or doing some other task without stopping, at a breakneck pace. In Korean, the most common equivalent is "so busy that one does not have time to open my eyes and nose. I'm not sure why that person is not opening their eyes to see, but I do understand not being able to close's eyes as the eyes are usually a required part of doing any work, especially white collar work like reading off a computer screen or smartphone. Recently I've been so busy during work hours that my eyes get a little sore, as unconsciously I keep my eyes open more and blink less, thus causing them to dry up quickly. Having them locked onto a screen almost 24/7 probably does not help. That's actually one of the major concerns associated with young people constantly looking at their screens nowadays, not only is it addicting and reduces social interaction among other negative consequences, it also causes people's eyes to age faster, where in the past kids would use their eyes for reading books, playing outside, taking to friends, etc., now their eyes are just locked onto screens.

The Japanese phrase for busy is "so busy I'd even borrow a cat's paw," kind of weird but understandable, it's like you don't have enough hands for your task. It does occur to me that if I had more than 2 hands I could type more messages and bang out emails faster and click the mouse more often, but I don't know if my mind would keep up. I was able to hold hands with MJ at the botanical garden on a Saturday, which was splendid. I'm often reminded how refreshing it is to watch weddings; everyone's dressed up and looking their best and in an idyllic location, usually on a weekend so everyone's relaxed and not stressed yet about the weekend. And I'm not jaded yet about relationships and marriage to be sick of weddings; I still think they are excellent opportunities to connect with friends and family, as long as the cost is under control and it doesn't make one too busy (MJ still complains that she was so busy that she couldn't open her eyes and ears during the wedding planning process).

Chinese people use the imagery of being "unable to break free," or "can't detach my body" from the work or the thing that is causing one to be busy. In some circumstances, that's true: at my work, I often find myself wanting to go home, but I have to be "on standby" in case something happens with the case I am working on that requires me to do work or for my boss to assign me more work. What's stressful for a lot of people is the fact that they can't break free from their work, that there's always something left to do, they always have to think about it even if they are not physically at the office or currently working on it. That's the dilemma for a busy person, it's not necessarily always being pressed at a deadline and having to finish something, but just the feeling of something needing to be done, that you can't break free from it.

Fantasize on,

Robert Yan

Big Law Associate (大きな法律事務所弁護士)

It must be lonely to be a big law associate. Recently I've been working in New York City at one of the big law firms, on a floor bustling with lawyers, partners, paralegals, secretaries and filled with desks, conference rooms, and this is the conclusion I've come to. Here you are in one of the best cities in the world, with millions of things to do and see, and perfect weather (recently summer has come and gone and a little bit of a chill has hit, signaling the autumn that will come), yet you're stuck in this office that you have to show up to every day and work like a drone from morning to night (many associates are expected to arrive around 9AM-9:30AM and leave after 7PM, often going deep into the night on a project or case that's coming up against a deadline). You have one of the best food scenes in the world with 3-star restaurants, food stands, delis, you name it, yet you can't leave your office for too long to enjoy any of it, have to order Postmates or Uber eats or some kind of mobile food service to save time. The aftermentioned schedule kind of precludes a social life on the weekdays especially if your commute is around average, at least 30 minutes, so by the time you get home it's about time to sleep, and often you're expected to work on the weekend.

But it's not all just about the time commitment for a big law associate, it's just the spirit of the work. The big law firm salary is nice, there's nice perks like happy hours, you work with intelligent people as a white-collar worker in a job that uses one's intellect, but it's the being there every day, day after day, until an undefined time in the future, that can be soul crushing. Often people say anything is bearable as long as you have an end date, some time you can look forward to that is like a distant goal for a marathon runner, knowing how much you have left to do so you can gauge how much you need to keep going for. For a law firm associate, it's an indefinite time. There's the 7 years (or so) that it takes to make partner, but then what? You just continue to be a partner.

I've actually enjoyed the time at my law firm for now, and my work isn't particularly stressful or burdensome or that difficult to do. I just feel for some of the associates who have to be there and the life they'e chosen for themselves, even though the outside world may view it as one of the best jobs you can have. I certainly did when I enrolled in law school, thinking I would graduate with a big law firm job, live in a big city, and just live the good life. Just like any good thing, it's not always exactly as god as it's made out to be, AND it's like the hero of a epic story that's accomplished his goal or king that's gained the throne or President that's gotten elected: you climbed the mountain, achieved the dream, you made it! (Literally and figuratively, got up to the upper floors of a tall building in a mega-city, sat in an office with your name on it and a badge with your face on it that lets you in and out.......but as you sit down and begin on your first day, you realize this is the first day of a lot of days here. Now what?


Fantasize on,

Robert Yan

Night Bus (夜行バス)

I've recently come to the realization that the world is an easier place for people like me who can sleep anywhere. I recently waited until the last second to book a flight from New York to Durham, and the prices shot up at the last second, so I decided to take the much cheaper but much more maligned "night bus," a popular mode of transport in Japan but not very common in America apparently. The night bus is much less frizzle, much less TSA, much less strict on bag allowances and much less occupied about what's in your bag. (The Raleigh-Durham airport has a drug-sniffing dog that goes behind passengers as they walk by to sniff what's in their bag, and I just think that the dogs are good, but are they THAT good?) But the night bus does take much more time, which is fine if you can fall asleep on the bus! In the history of my life I almost always fall asleep on long distance drives as a passenger (and sometimes ALMOST as a driver! Dangerous!) because the motion of the car on the highway is just so peaceful, a gentle rocking while still in motion that  makes me fall asleep more easily than just lying down at home in a still place. Ever since I was a kid taking long road trips from Chicago to Disneyworld in Florida because my parents couldn't afford the "Disney Magical Flight" or whatever it's called, to driving back and forth to college in Champaign, IL, to making a long trek from Illinois to CA for law school, to going back and forth from LA to San Francisco to Vegas, I've always been able to sleep on those long drives, making it an efficient trip. It's necessary to find a willing driver, so I'm thankful to the drivers who drive me.

Just like in Japan, where night buses are the cheapest option, buses are probably the cheapest option as well, as a bus can take like 50 passengers and employ just one bus driver. A $150 flight could be just $50 by bus, 3 times the price but also more than 3 times the amount of time........that's the trade off of life, I guess........time v. money. Except if you can sleep anywhere like me (even in some uncomfortable seats, night lying down!) and can just sleep and cut the time down!

Just like the airline industry of tiers with Delta being near the top (some swear by JetBlue, I used to be a big believer in Southwest) to acknowledged lower tiers like Spirit Air and now unfortunately United Airlines, the long-distance bus business also has tiers! The Chinese-owned bus companies Wanda and Panda bus (they sure know how to pick their names!) are pretty disorganized and have had discontented customers, Greyhound sometimes cancels their routes which is just unimaginable for those waiting there for the bus to arrive, whereas Megabus and Boltbus are OK (so far) in my book. Word of warning: every bus company has designated stop areas where they drop passengers off to get slaughtered by $10 sandwiches and $3 water bottles.......Don't fall for it! Hydrate beforehand. Night bus, the cheapest hotel-on-wheels you can find (without a shower, that is).

Life after 30 is different among one's friends group. People are always trying to notice if other people are having a baby, or if they already have a baby, if they're going to have another one. It's like the new "did you do your homework? What assignments do we have?" when I was in school (MJ still does this), or what's new in life? Oh, I have a kid now. It's the implicit question when married and presenting oneself at a party or social gathering.......people are checking whether the wife is showing any signs, or not drinking any alcohol when they normally would be... I can't tell if it's a happy thing or a sad thing, where everyone is eager to celebrate your pregnancy, or trying to get a look at the next brave/foolish couple who is entering parenthood. I guess the intrigue of not telling everyone or telling everyone could be fun for the mother, but only until they actually have to deliver the baby! Truly a life-changing (in all senses of the world) event. I just hope MJ and I are truly ready when we're ready to have a baby and ready to announce to the world we are actually expecting!

Fantasize on,

Robert Yan

Anniversary 기념일, 周年, 記念日

On 9/9/2017, MJ and I had our glorious wedding celebration! One of the best times of my life! And it's already been 2 years since that day! Kind of unbelievable actually, I remember the difference between an eighth grader in junior high to a sophomore in high school was HUGE, so many life changes like learning to drive a car, new friends.....becoming adult is like a license for time to fly by: no matter how much I try to prolong periods of my life, 2 years goes by quick I find myself the same, relatively unchanged, despite so many life changes.

9/9 was a great day to have a wedding in Los Angeles, and apparently many people agree! Just saw many many facebook posts of weddings this weekend. We were on the right track! A good reminder to treasure the times you have when you have them. I cheaped out on honeymoon accommodations to Hawaii and made MJ "feel cheap" on our honeymoon, and that magical time will be slightly tarnished by that decision, whereas I DID get some things right about our wedding like hiring a wedding photographer, booking the Intercontinental Hotel on our wedding night to stay at the top of the city in downtown LA (also, MJ's parents were in town and could sleep at our place that night, so it really worked out!) But 2 years is enough time already to look back at certain details of those glorious nights fondly and nostalgically, so I'm glad we had a wedding and can always look back on it as a marker to start our lives together. We need to put down these markers sometimes, as opposed to putting down markers for days where I was just at the office living a mundane life.

Fantasize on,

Robert Yan

Princess Disease (公主病, 공주병)

Princess disease is common in Asian societies, usually attributed to girls who are overly narcisstic and need to be treated like a princess. Probably because their parents (mainly fathers) overindulged them and they got used to a certain life style. Another term in the Chinese commonly understood slang of the last 10 years, right up there with  and "good person card" (see previous post).

MJ and I went to Hot Pot today in Cary, NC (a prominent suburb of the Raleigh/Durham area) at a Chinese hot pot, and they warned us to not waste food by warning us against being "leftover women" ("剩女"). Pretty funny Chinese pun, as in don't be a girl who has too much leftovers on her plate, but in common vernacular it means a woman's who is left over after other candidates were selected and is still single. Yes, Chinese people have puns too! The whole idea of "leftover women" is a little sexist, and MJ would definitely reject the idea. Why do women HAVE to find a partner? Why is finding a mate before a certain age such a stressful endeavor for women? And why is it focused on "leftover women" and not "leftover men?" (Maybe because men don't have a magic age for finding a partner and are allowed by society to be older than the women and that being a "healthy" relationship as opposed to the woman being too much older than the men being frowned upon?) In fact, one of my big fears when I was single and struggling to find a girlfriend was that I would be a leftover man, especially with the perceived trend of Asian women being partnered with Caucasian men, etc. Luckily I was able to find MJ before I got left too far over!

Anyway, MJ definitely doesn't have princess disease, and I'm not sure why the Koreans/ Chinese have focused on women as having the spoiled child personification. I've actually met quite a few male friends who I would consider as having "prince disease." They must have the best things all the time, question me when I don't get the best thing, and go out to really fancy restaurants together when they know other people will pay part of or the entire bill. And they're not appreciate by returning the favor. So yes, just like there can be leftover men, there can be men with prince disease. Apparently one of the main causes of princess disease was the rise of the "Four Asian Tigers" (Taiwan, S. Korea, Singapore, and Hong Kong) during the 1960's to 1990's that allowed those regions to amass great wealth and have beneficiaries of that boom time to have kids used to a certain higher expectation of life. In a sense, I was lucky that I was born into pretty rough conditions when I was a child; I didn't have great expectations. Just like I started off getting great grades in school so my parents always expected me to get great grades, if I had started with such a luxurious life I'd have had no place to go but down; instead my socioeconomic journey has been a steady climb forward, so that I can fulfill the pauper-to-prince story, instead of the prince-to-prince story, which no one finds interesting.

Fantasize on,

Robert Yan