Here in downtown L.A., I witness a lot of homeless people: on street corners, living in tents near the highway, wandering around the city with shopping carts or huge plastic bags. It's an unpleasant sight to see, even knowing that it's an unavoidable part of the human race, but what's more disturbing are those homeless with obvious mental issues, or for lack of a better word, have gone crazy. They yell indiscriminately at people passing by, have a dazed look on their face, throw fists in the air as if they're fighting someone, seem angry, and generally do not seem to know where they are. One can speculate as to what caused the mental illness, anything from severe trauma to excessive use of drugs, but it's a shame that human beings can deteriorate to that level, where they truly are not in control of their actions and cannot think rationally about what to do. I often feel pity for these homeless and mentally ill people, but then I realize sometimes I can go crazy, or "snap" too, and feel shame for doing so.
The Korean idiom 눈이 뒤집히다 literally means eyes are turned upside down, and it's an apt description of when someone has snapped, like their eyes have rolled to the back of their head, they're so angry. I don't lose control of myself in fits of anger too often, but when I do, I remember it very vividly. I remember in second grade getting upset because at recess someone had bullied me or called me a name (the details are not important), but the teacher didn't understand what was wrong and took the side of the bully, not me. I remember even back then the feeling of indignation, the blood boiling and throwing a fit out of frustration to the point where the teacher questioned why I was getting upset at her. Unfortunately, despite more understanding of myself and how I react to things and preventative measures like telling myself to take a deep breath, try not to get upset, I still lapse sometimes into deep anger and feel an uncontrollable rage. I think it's related to how each of us deals with situations, some speak out immediately upon encountering something disagreeable and thus externalize the anger and sources of stress, while some people (like me) internalize things and try to hold it in, tolerate it, but then it builds up and floods out at inopportune times. (The movie Anger Management really had a good point about this). Every time it happens, I try to pinpoint the exact time at which I lost control, what was the trigger, at any point could I have stopped myself, etc., like a replay. The short answer is, for now, at least, there are certain key topics or criticisms that I just do not handle well, sore spots if you will, that are most likely to cause to me to get very upset very quickly, faster than I can think rationally to control it. After my "eyes turn upside down" and I have a bad reaction (throw something, use a curse word, yell loudly), that anger will be released and my body almost has a physical reaction and feels better, like throwing up alcohol and catharsis of bad from the body, and I instantly regret getting so angry just seconds earlier, but by then it's too late. How can I mitigate this sudden rage and prevent it from happening again? I wish I could be like the Hulk in the Avengers, where the answer is, "I'm always angry."
Whenever I think of mental health, I think of my late uncle, my father's oldest brother. He suffered from mental health problems that my parents didn't really talk about, but I remember first hand how scary it was as a kid to watch someone who seemed to have lost his wits, randomly got upset and yelled, always needing to be settled down by someone who was sane. My dad tells me my uncle used to be normal, which is scary that at any time, someone can kind of "snap" and become mentally ill. It's worth looking into, and I'm interested in the issue of mental health (I've also donated to a charity regarding this issue) as it's something that I shudder to see the results of but also can relate to, if ever so briefly.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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