A Japanese proverb, Takane no hana (高嶺の花) literally means "flower on a high peak" and is used to describe an unattainable goal, prize beyond one's reach.
Recently dodgeball wins have seemed just out of reach for me, and it's become frustrating, to the point where I wonder whether I'm cursed. I feel myself getting better at dodgeball and individual results/ individual performance is encouraging, but at some point I feel I have to convert that into quantifiable results to make it seem worthwhile. Ever since a huge win in August 2013, I've suffered severe droughts in dodgeball championships. I've gotten 2nd place a bunch of times, but winning has just been out of reach. I'm a very competitive person, so not reaching the peak and having that Takane no hana is one of the worst feelings. On the bright side, I reassure myself that by not winning I've given myself more motivation to get better, to always be hungry and avoid getting complacent, but all the heartbreak of losing is taking a toll. It makes me wonder how top athletes who never won championships feel.....do they just move on to different, individual goals, rest on their individual laurels, or do they regret certain plays or certain seasons forever as the ones that got away? I'm not sure,as to how my dodgeball career will play out, but I'm constantly afraid I've reached a peak in my development, that I can't get any better, and that the ultimate goal of being one of the best dodgeball players in the country/ have one of the best teams in the country/ beat the top teams in the country might just be a takane no hana. It's terrifying: eventually I'll have to get married, have kids, have less time, and my body will not be at its peak condition like it is now, and knowing me I'll dwell on these past years as the times I needed to get the most out of it. For now, though, I have at least one more year to become the best player I can be. I sometimes wonder if I should sacrifice king's blood to the dodgeball gods like Stannis did in Game of Thrones, I sometimes FEEL like Stannis wanting to take something that he so badly wants, and thinks is his by right and destroy all those who oppose him ( I know at least part of my motivation is to prove the doubters who saw me as a chubby, unathletic oriental kid in high school, etc.) wrong and become great at a game. But am I just waiting for championship glory that will never come? The next few years will tell the tale.
Takane no hana, actually, is used more commonly in Japanese as a way to describe an unattainable romantic partner, someone who others desire but can't get to like them. I've suffered this so many times, and after so many tries I've realized that's just the way the world works, that unfortunately in this world there are such things as "leagues" and some people are just desired more than others (based on universally held standards of youth, attractiveness, and desirability).Some people were just born to be liked by many; others were not. I just wish that some of those flowers on the top of the mountain would be more sympathetic towards those of us at the bottom trying to grasp at whatever footholds we can muster, but unless as is the case most of the time when I think out my dating life/ life in general, I have to conclude that "life is not fair." It's time to get rid of the notion that movies and the general media instill in us that once in a while a plain-looking guy "gets lucky" and somehow gets the attention of the really attractive girl and they live happily ever after.....that attractive girl is usually looking for an equally or more attractive guy to be their prince in shining armor or even their own takane no hana.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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