The Joakim Noah Theory

You ever play basketball with friends and see a fair-complexioned guy who has nice features (not in a homosexual manner but just an admiring kind of way) but then realize he’s awful at basketball. This is the antithesis to the brand new “Joakim Noah” theory I have developed that might revolutionize fantasy sports and maybe sports talent evaluation as we know it.

Like Joakim Noah, I am not a handsome guy. I was born with bad skin and was conscious of not being the prettiest guy in the room almost regardless of which room I entered since I was a kid. However, to compensate for not having that crucial god-given ability of aesthetically pleasing features, I try HARD on the basketball court/dodgeball court/whichever sport I engage in because the sports gods do not discriminate based on looks. I think that’s what Joakim Noah and other “non-GQ” guys do. In Japanese, it’s醜い (minikui) or the “Busu”(ぶす)Theory. These guys compensate for not being the prettiest of people by tearing it on the court, playing angry, and what not. This “playing angry” leads to breakout years, etc. (obviously still have to have the skill set, talent, etc.) that a fantasy manager can capitalize on.

As evidenced recently by Michael Crabtree stating he’s “not a TV guy” after Richard Sherman called him out, players are motivated by what other players say/act like/look like, and want to be better than those guys. I guarantee you that’s part of what motivates Joakim Noah to

Let’s test out the “Joakim Noah” theory on different sports: best player in the NBA: Kevin Durant and LeBron James, it’s debatable. Neither are very “GQ.” Both vaunted past Kobe, a perennial Teen’s Choice “hottie.”

Football: tough to say because lot of ugly guys just from the beating they take (and possibly PED use) but Jamaal Charles, a mammoth of a human being, had a breakout year this year, as did Peyton Manning who has an ugly red mark from wearing his helmet every time he gets off the field (as opposed to Tom Brady, the Pretty Boy). And in baseball, Edwin Encarnacion, a modern day Frankenstein, had a breakout year (helped by playing home guys at the Toronto Homerdome). Miguel Cabrera, plump, slow, and stogey, but packs a mighty swing.

Obviously these are self-selecting cases, and at this point the theory is in its infancy. But here’s some actionable fantasy advice for guys I think might break out (or have unexpectedly good years) this year under the Joakim Noah theory:

1.)    Aramis Ramirez: hippos look better and possibly run faster.

2.)    Tyson Ross/ Marco Estrada: great down the stretch last year, could be ready to take their Joakim Noahness to the next level.

3.)    Hiroki Kuroda/ Masahiro Tanaka/Hisahi Iwakuma: All 3 must be tired of all the hype about their countryman Golden Boy Yu Darvish. 

Fantasize on, 

Robert Yan