The following is a blog post written in “Dear Diary” form,
which means it will be monopolized by the feelings of the writer, one Robert “Da
Man” Yan, and probably will not provide the fantasy advice some might seek, but
will go deep into the feelings and emotions of Robert Yan, one of the most
honest and self-reflective posts perhaps ever in the history of this blog. It also happens to be 3AM in the morning when
I’m writing this, so thoughts may be garbled/ unnecessarily blunt or “honest.” Read
on if you dare; you have been warned.
Dear Diary, so much has happened this year, 2013, the Year
of the Snake. I have different emotions flowing through; I’m at once satisfied
and yearning, I’m at once frustrated and content, I’m at once finally settled
and yet still searching, I’m at once competitive but lackluster. What’s going
on? I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but I’ve reached
another turning point in my life. For the last year or so, I’ve intermittently
been doing document review (a sort of non-legal legal work is the best way I
can describe it) while learning Japanese, in hopes of being fluent enough in
Japanese to do both Chinese and Japanese document review. In my mind I’ve
fantasized it as doing the work now to pay off the bills while my little
salmon/carp self swims upstream (learn Japanese) until I turn into a dragon,
but in reality it’s probably just an avaricious desire to earn more money while
doing the same amount of work. That explains, though, why I’ve been so
non responsive in my blog posts (this only being the 23rd one all
year, mostly because I try to squeeze every extra moment I can into learning
Japanese words) - (Japanese lesson of
the day: “Ikutsu ka no jikan de shiboru.” It also gives me some firm ground to
stand on in terms of work for the next few years------I can make enough to
support myself (with a bit of a surplus)
for the next few years, and for someone who had been disillusioned by the law
and not necessarily wanting to continue down the dark and treacherous path of
litigation, I am strangely calm, although I’m always a little cautious now that
this is one of those “calm before the storm” situations like when I thought I
was all good going into law school.
Dear Diary, so that explains why I haven’t written to you
more. But also in the last year I’ve discovered another love of my life:
Dodgeball. For the last year I’ve played dodgeball 3, 4, and up to 5 times a
week. I love this game; it allows me to “take revenge” for all those years I
was picked on in middle school for being unathletic or chubby, for being picked
last in all those pickup basketball games (although, during college I became an
excellent shooter of the basketball) where in dodgeball, I have just the right
combination of skill, throwing ability, hand-eye coordination, and stamina to
be a pretty strong force and consensus-voted one of the “Best catchers in LA.”
I now feel wanted, I feel free, and at certain times, I feel invincible, which
is one of the best feelings in sports/ life. Plus the game is a great stress
relief/ exercise. I can’t ask for anything more. I will probably love playing
dodgeball for the rest of my love.
Dear Diary, my actual love life is still a bit of a mess. To
be more accurate, it’s still hasn’t gotten off the ground. I look back at the various
times in my life to explain why I’m 26 and single and not having had a serious
long-term relationship yet ever. EVER! I recently read 1Q84, a Japanese classic
(reading it in both Japanese and English) and it’s very similar to when the 2
main characters look back at a single moment in their childhood when they held
hands, but then can never find each other again. I feel the same way except I
had like EIGHT of those chances. Chances like in college when a girl actually
invited me to come to a party and I declined. Chances like when I went out on a
few dates with a girl in college but didn’t follow through because I was on my
way to law school. Chances like in high school a really nice girl saved me from
having to ask someone to prom by asking me out first (she’s now married).
Chances like having a really nice conversation with a mutual friend who I
really connected with and really would have liked having a relationship with
but never followed through. What have I done wrong here? It’s really been a
comedy of errors on my part, but also I haven’t been exactly dealt the best
poker hand in the game of Matching Life.
Dear Diary, I still can’t completely rid my acne! They say
that acne is indicating of a person’s total health, but I am COMPLETELY
healthy. I haven’t gotten sick in 5 years. The only real problem I have is
having bad skin. Acne’s better than it was in my teenage years, and I’ve founds
some ways to mitigate the damage, but I still haven’t found the root of the
problem, I haven’t exterminated the big rat hideout. It’s frustrating; I’ve
been to various dermatologists, tried various products, diets, creams, etc.,
etc. It’s just like the forums for acne say: I’m one of those guys that just
keep trying and trying. So yea not only did I not get dealt movie star
features, but also bad skin that takes a toll psychologically; I refrain from
talking to people at times, feel low self-esteem, not to mention decrease my physical
attractiveness. And that’s a problem because……
Dear Diary, I recently joined Match.com on the suggestion of
some friends and realized….yea welcome to the real world. Online dating is
similar to real dating in one very practical area that no one talks about:
people rely on physical features primarily when they first meet someone. Dating
sites, matchmakers, all people in general don’t readily acknowledge it because
it hurts their business/it makes them look shallow/ it hurts people’s feelings
or whatever, but physical attractiveness DEFINITELY is the main factor. I mean,
I do it too. Everyone does. It’s the same as when you buy a house, you look at
the yard, the exterior, and how it looks on the outside first. It’s why when
someone compliments your husband/wife/gf/bf/significant other, it’s a
compliment to say, “Wow, they’re cute!” to show that you’ve done a good job.
Physical attractiveness is the most valuable commodity in dating/meeting new
people. It can be improved, but not as much as by natural means. Some people
are just blessed with beauty; those people get the most interest/feel loved,
while the rest of us (myself included) have to “lower our standards” or accept
that someone is “out of our league.”
Dear Diary, I think there shouldn’t be leagues. I hate when
someone says they’re out of a league, as if humans are based on some sort of
class system. More accurately, I HATE when someone says I’m not worthy. It’s
been a constant chip on my shoulder since childhood days, to prove someone
wrong when they don’t think I can do it, or don’t pick them for their team. So it’s
hard for me to accept that I’m “out of someone’s league,” and I haven’t found a
way to solve it yet. And sure, I know that it’s really about finding someone
you love and cherish and who’s perfect for you just the way you are, but I want
to feel wanted, I want to feel appreciated, I don’t want to have someone have
to “settle for me” like all the other good-looking M&M’s in the bag have
been eaten and I’m the only one left. I have a lot going for me: I am a
professional man living in one of the best cities in one of the best countries
in the world. I am very well educated; I am well read; I can speak at least 2
languages fluently, hopefully a 3rd soon. I have my own car; I can
sustain myself; I am an athlete; I can play almost any sport; I can get along
with almost anyone and strike up a conversation; I can make people laugh and
show them magic tricks; I laugh at least twice a day; I give to charity (just
gave my old car to charity, driving a 2013 Honda Accord now), I volunteer, I
have family values; I KNOW I would be a good father one day.
Dear Diary, it’s hard to explain to my parents/ aunt about
why I don’t have a girlfriend ready to get engaged now. The truth is, I try; I
get rejected. I deal with rejection all the time; it’s becoming where each time
it happens a little piece of me dies. Each time I get rejected I feel a part of
me And I do get a few “yes’s,” but unfortunately they’re not the ones that
really interest me, and I feel a little guilty with those because I feel like
now I’m the one being picky and rejecting others. It’s very frustrating. Now
with Match.com those rejections don’t just come with a nice “maybe some other
time” or “I’m busy that day.” Now it’s just a no-response situation, which in
some ways is worse, like a “you’re not even worth my time to respond” thing
(although, in truth it’s the most accepted way and reasonable way to decline on
something like Match.com) akin to the rejection method of law firms when I was
trying to find a law job during law school. It’s frustrating; I keep thinking
one day I’ll get on the other side of the mountain and see a rainbow (kind of
like what’s happened with my job situation, which has actually kind of opened
up for me), but then the flip side comes up and I picture myself as a older
ojiisan (Japanese for older man) who’s still dokushin (single) and as my sister
says, “forever alone.” Sigh.
Dear Diary, I’ve some interest in fantasy sports, my
previous love. I’m just not that into it. Perhaps it’s some backlash from the
fantasy baseball season, and I just need time to get back into it, but the more
and more I think about it it’s such a trivial thing: analyzing player values
and watching games just for the fantasy merit; it’s really time consuming and I
don’t have much time for it anymore, and the thrill of the chase (for victory)
just doesn’t give me enough motivation. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll always play
and it definitely keeps me in touch with some great friends, but I don’t know
if I’ll ever be the 2007-2013 “fully fantasy force Robert Yan. In some ways, fantasy
has become the mistress to my main goal of finding a love interest/someone I
can share the rest of my life with.
Dear Diary, Does anyone read
this blog anymore? I wouldn’t blame people if they don’t read because I haven’t
been writing as much this year, but if anyone read this blog they would get to
know what kind of person I am, how I think, the kind of humor I integrate into
my life, the things I value, my daily life. I feel like that would be the best
Match.com profile instead of a random picture of my face doing something.
Reading my old blog posts, I really cherish how I’ve grown since 2007, the
minuscule things I think about, the things I valued back in the day but don’t
really now. I wouldn’t rewrite any of that stuff; it’s how I felt in the
moment, it’s who I am. One day I just wish someone would read what I have
written and go, “Wow I’m glad I wound up with this guy, he’s a pretty cool
dude.” Sigh. One wonders.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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