We are pleased to bring you our fourth annual headhunter
letter, longer and better than before. We at the Fantasy SportsGuru Headhunter,
Inc. do not promise any results from our recommended candidates; individual
results may vary. Last year, for instance, we were in error when we brought to
you Russell Westbrook and Jrue Holiday, who true to their UCLA Bruin ways,
failed to live up to expectations, especially in the instance of one Mr.
Holiday. The lesson was, in this instance, to never trust anyone named “Jrue.” Here
in 2012, we have thoroughly researched the diverse applicant pool and come to
conclusions on several remarkable candidates.
One Alfred Joel Horford Reynoso (a.k.a. Al Horford) has
thoroughly impressed us this season due to his dedicated work ethic, ability to
work with colleagues, and positive contributions in multiple capacities
(points, rebounds, assists, steals, FG%, etc.) Now separated from cancerous
former colleagues (Joe Johnson), Mr. Horford will be coming back strong from a
injury-plagued season
Another strong candidate is a young man with great
credentials who has already reached the highest level of the college ranks is
one Anthony Davis, who has thoroughly impressed all experts while winning the
national championship in his first year. He will have quite a challenge
adjusting to the professional ranks, but his elite skill set has really never
been witnessed before in our industry. Do not be put off by his massive unibrow;
Scoff at the rumors that he is not even human; enjoy this man’s role as the
backbone of your organization’s defensive strategy.
Emerging from the backwoods of Timberwolves country, Luke
Ridnour is a renowned sharpshooter who distributes passes with the precision of
a proficient hunter during duck season in the Land of Ten Thousand Lakes. He
has proven to be a strong adhesive in any team environment, and his salary
demands will be very miniscule. He will provide his own lunch and bring his
lunch pail to work. Please consider this underrated candidate as a source of
glue to solidify your organization.
As always, we must caution you against some fraudulent
candidates who will only weigh you down. This is our official statement that we
cannot sign off on these candidates.
Tyreke Evans is a very exciting professional and can create
flickers of hope for the downtrodden masses of Sacramento with some
aesthetically-pleasing performances, but upon a closer look at numbers, he
weighs down the team in various capacities (FG%, FT%, TO) and may do more harm
than good. Steer clear.
We have always appreciated Mr. Dwayne Wade’s “Fall Down
Seven, Get up Eight” attitude and charitable spirit in giving Sports Utility
Vehicles to random children, but we believe he has engaged in a downward spiral
and is not keeping up with the new age. His demeanor has also shifted for the
worse, becoming abrasive at neutral officials and testy with other colleagues
not named LeBron James. Mr. Wade’s best years, as can be said about Mr. Bryant
and Mr. Duncan before, are behind him.
Finally, despite his heroic efforts and superhuman shows of
ability, Dwight Howard has never been able to cure his biggest weaknesses (lack
of offensive skill and charity stripe work), and now entering his 9th
season, a change of scenery to the bright lights of Hollywood and the sharp
criticisms of Kobe Bryant might be a turn for the worst. Recent reports are
that Mr. Howard is not yet ready to work, and even does pass a physical he will
not justify the price that you must pay for his services. Please do not invest
in the services of this man.
We know that
you will have many questions and doubts throughout the season about your
employees, invovling many trials and tribulations, and you will develop
personal relationships with the employees that you do eventually hire. We
recommend that you hire mostly with cold hard facts and our numbers, (partly
because if you don't in real life there's bound to be employment litigation in
your future), but also so that you can have fun with your employees (short of
finding yourself in a closet with your pants down with them); you will enjoy
yourself if you enjoy those you surround yourself with.
Fantasize on,
Fantasysportguru Headhunter, Inc.
Chairman, President, and Omicient Ruler
No comments:
Post a Comment