Lawyer jokes

Got another book recommendation: Barack Obama's 2006, pre-presidential election campaign work, "Audacity of Hope." Whether or not you agree with him, it's like he's talking to you through the book, and you really got a good sense of what he thinks. It's VERY VERY honest, and my views of him have, let's say, "evolved" through it.

There will be two types of lawyer jokes in this post: the regular, make-fun-of-lawyers-cuz-they're-the-scum-of-the-earth-but-i-chose-to-become-one-anyway variety, and then a new, fresh batch of Robert Yan-type lawyer jokes that you gotta try on for size.

Came across these online:

What do lawyers use for birth control?-- Their personalities.

What's the difference between a porcupine and an ambulance chasing BMW
carrying three lawyers?-- A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?-- Retired.


What's the difference between a lawyer and God?-- God doesn't think he's a lawyer!


Why should you not run over a lawyer on a bicycle?-- It might be your bicycle.



Haha, good stuff.

Now for the good stuff: these jokes are like the jokes my law school classmates got sick of me using the whole year, yet it really shows some creativity on my part. Feel free to ceremoniously lift it and use it for your own use.

When playing fantasy basketball, you really enter into a contract with your NBA player. There's no mutual assent, but there's all the ups and downs in the relationship with a basketball player: the lack of performance, the overproduction, the total material breach of a contract that makes you never deal with that player ever again.

This year I have entered into a contract with Dirk Nowitzki: paid him lots of fantasy money: 5th pick in teh draft, based on his course of performance in the last 8 years or so, had expectations and he's lived up to them. Good investment. Now, a real tort has been committed by my drafting Andrew Bogut. Man's a fraud, I almost feel like suing for impractibility or misrepresentation or unconscionability or something, this guy just lured me into a false sense of security, gave me false hopes, and definitely did NOT act in good faith.

Unfortunately, I've been screwed before. In 2005 and 2006, I drafted Tracy McGrady in THREE LEAGUES each of those years. Talk about assault and battery, this guy did the whole package. He battered me, destroyed the whole foundation, stole my property, hit my in the balls, the whole nine yards. He has an affirmative defense in 2006 because I assumed the risk of drafting him AGAIN in all those leagues, but I might be judged by a different standard in some courts due to mental incapacitation in those years. (It must have been insanity to let him screw me again).

Every time I see Jermaine O'Neal ever again on a draft board, I file a 12b6 motion to dismiss mine, get his butt straight out of court and never hear from him again, if he ever comes up the next year I'll file a res judicata defense that the case has been tried already, and JO has definitely failed on the merits.

OK that didn't work out too well. I'll try better next time.

I'm so obsessed by TO's in my roto league, I seem to have just realized that they are worth any other category, yet i just don't take great weight in them. Guy like Dwayne Wade, 4.0 TO's per game, can kill you in that category automatically. Gotta keep that in mind. Guys like Rasheed Wallace (1.1 TO's) and Peja Stojavoic (0.9 TO's) get an added boost because they're like the thin, lean version of meet, limits their turnovers despite limited numbers in other cats.


Fantasize on, Robert Yan