The Gift of Gab

 One of oh so many things I miss doing pre-pandemic is talking to people. At first it was relieving to not be under pressure to explain to bosses, to carry on small talk with co-workers, to mix in at social gatherings; and what is conversation really nowadays anyway, especially with the wide world of the Internet avaiable at one's fingertips where one can express any opinion anywhere, even anonymously with no repercussions! After so many Netflix shows, Youtube videos, and work assignments, though, I wish it's not just March Madness I'm suffering from (yup, we're already one year from that fateful March 2020 where everything in the world changed) but general non-communication madness. I realize that talking isn't just my way to socialize and learn about other people and to tell my own story, it's also, oddly enough a stress relief and a affirmation of my ideas, where I can release all the thoughts that have been bubbling inside me out into the world, relieving a burden deep within me. Or I just like to hear myself talk, either one. I do not necessarily have the Gift of Gab, the ability to speak fluidly and fluently like great storytellers waxing poetically about an expereience they had or even a knowledgable expert discussing race theory or any number of substantive topics, but I do have the Gift of Keeping a Conversation Going, and I'm only now realizing I do miss that. 

It's evident in my daily calls to my workplace (we have a morning call and afternoon call since we work remotely, just to see how everyone is doing and report on any issues/ask any questions), and despite having nothing to ask and nothing to contribute, a part of me desperately wants to speak out, feel important, like I'm accomplishing something. Yet time and time again I let the moment pass, knowing it won't lead to a deep conversation. I appreciate the modern ways of communication among friends of texting in its simplicity and ability to be accessed anytime and addition of any number of emojis, memes, links to videos, etc., etc., but I also hate it for what it has replaced, especially during this pandemic: human interaction. I secretly crave anyone, almost anyone, to give me a call, just to chat and see how I am doing, without an obligatory "Happy Birthday" or "Happy New Year" on social media. I've become the desperate introvert who used to be an extrovert reminiscing about the glorious extrovert days, like working at a summer camp where I would use thousands of words each day calling out directions for playground activities, or at law school where I could converse freely with friends after class and it wouldn't seem weird like it is now to call someone out of the blue or fear that I'm interrupting their day. It's gotten so bad I want my sister to call me and talk about her latest Japanese anime drawing collection, or one of my old friends from elementary school who says some pretty rude things (our lives have diverged a bit) and just brazenly out of the blue the other day told me he makes more than I do, salary wise, a total non-sequitur that I felt attacked, even betrayed, in its "I am better-than-you" attitude. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is I guess why society frowns upon discussing salary and peronal financial matters with casual friends/acquitances. I'm still rattled by his statement even I shouldn't be (there's plenty of people I know who make more than me), and it's not helping that the past week's stock market action has wiped out a hefty chunk of my gains from 2020 (the recent technology stock sell-off and transition into cyclical stocks, aka the re-opening trade), hit me especially hard. I then took it out a little bit on MJ (although other factors contributed to that), who has been my only sounding board for real-life converation and perhaps my saving grace from being completely alone and going completely crazy, but even with the best food, we need a break once in awhile to consume other food groups, get some other perspectives. 

The apartment building, frustratingly enough, has these "social gatherings" or "pop-up cookie days," and we go through the concierge to pick up our packages, but no matter how often I try to initiate a conversation (obviously with social distancing I understand the constraints) it's like pulling teeth with the management here.......one-word answers, or a solicitation to help them out by filling out an online survey and give them good reviews. Guess what helps me give you a good review? If you at least act like my friend and talk to me, the resident living in your building who is paying the rent and in essence a part of your salary! We'll be moving out in June. 

Back my point though, I guess I just miss social interactions. I saw the other day on social media (big mistake to log on) some applauding big companies' expressed desire to stay virtual even after the pandemic is over. That would certainly be welcome news to cut out travel expenses and time spent in traffic, but for someone like me who cringes at solitude, it's a double-edged sword. Luckily, I don't think I've lost my touch for conversation throughout the pandemic, but who knows, I am getting older and past my athletic prime at least........will my conversational prowess be gone too? Hard to know until I get out there..... 

Fantasize on, 

Robert Yan