One of my favorite songs I liked to listen to in college (don't laugh) was "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. (I once introduced "My Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira as my favorite all-time song at my summer camp job when I was 18 and was confronted with a "Really?" by my co-workers confirming the lameness of my choice, but yes I had the music preferences of a 13-year-old girl at age 18. And before that "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson, etc., etc. Anyway, my takeaway was that adults don't cry about depressing things and should remain resilient, steadfast, and not have to express their emotions, and that crying is somehow "weak." I no longer think so.
MJ cries pretty frequently at sad thoughts like remembering about her car accident or her grandmother dying, both very traumatic events, which I would characterize as normal. I have more "psychopathic" crying pattern. I don't react by crying when I hear about people who have passed away, even during mass shootings that are horrible tragedies, I feel dejected and sympathetic to those who lost their lives but it doesn't move me to tears. I don't cry when all my stocks go down. I don't cry if my favorite sports team wins or loses. I cry, though, often at movies, not even just sad movies, movies that have a sympathetic character who goes through a momentous journey and reflects back on that journey, or someone who I've invested a lot of time and emotional attachment to. Today I cried during the movie "Knock Down the House" about the rise of Justice Democrats and first-time candidates for political office like AOC, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. It's ironic that AOC's story is the only success story of the 4 candidates profiled, so I wasn't sad, but happy..........but also sad about the story of her losing her father and having to work through college and pay back loans and finally fighting the system. It's hard to describe what makes me cry, I guess: Perhaps it's watching others succeed and get to a critical point in their lives, as I now understand how it feels to want something so bad but not be able to obtain it, or to look back on my life with regrets and what-could-have-beens, so that when I see someone else gets to a crucial point in their lives, I reflect on that and live vicariously through their experiences. Whatever it is, it's a strong emotion for sure, because I do try to hold back audible tears and not act "weak," but suddenly my eyes well up it's uncontrollable: it's not altogether a bad feeling neither, to let some emotion out instead of having it come out in a fit of rage during an argument with someone (I've resolved to try not to get angry and have loud outbursts this year, but I already have one strike against me- I allowed myself a little bit of slack if I involuntarily slipped up). Perhaps I'm just cooped up in the house all the time and unable to express anger, joy, sorrow, or anything, so even watching a small trigger like the AOC story can become a waterfall-level tear jerker.
I ALSO watched "Pick of the Litter," about a litter of puppies trained since birth to become guide dogs for the blind, with some making it and others dropping out of the specially adapted program, and that movie was designed to be a tearjerker with the dogs' trainers becoming attached to the dogs and the heartbreak of the dogs who couldn't "graduate" into the becoming guide dogs.........I didn't really feel anything.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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