I always lament that I did something stupid in the past and regret doing (or not doing) something, but then I lament that I am dwelling on the past and regret the act of regretting it, so it's a double whammy. But sometimes there is value in looking back at one's past decisions to inform future decisions so as to get different results. Sometimes I'll even have a visible reaction while doing a normal task like reading my email or checking my phone because suddenly a regret that I have about something I did several years will pop up in my head, I have a disgusted look on my face, MJ looks up to see what's wrong, sees that I'm just being weird (or an idiot), and goes back to doing what she's doing, as it's become normalized.
1.) I'm an idiot because MJ and I didn't fully live our lives before the pandemic. 2019 was a great year to wrap up the decade, to get out and do fun things, go anywhere in the world, travel, go to restaurants, gather in museums, get on crowded planes to faraway locations......and we definitely had the ability to do that in the summer before she started her nursing program. Instead I spent it all selfishly in New York City by myself on a work project, squandering a golden opportunity for exploration and great memories by doing what I apparently am stuck doing, working and following the stock market. Basically what I'm doing this summer, except it's because we have to due to a global pandemic. Timing is everything, and we (probably more "I") messed that timing up.
2.) I'm an idiot because I didn't shop at Trader Joe's and Costco more before I met MJ. Costco is especially money in car-based communities like Southern California, as it is difficult to get bulk goods in subway and public-transportation communities like New York or DC, but I lived in the suburbs for most of my life and didn't discover the joys and bulk benefits of Costco. Just the ability to buy and store for long periods of time saves a lot of headache of finding the next meal, deciding what to eat, avoiding cooking.......and I missed out on the pre-pandemic samples! What was I doing! Trader Joe's also had samples and lots of great food ideas to try out. Instead I whiled my days away at Ralph's, Vons, and Chinese supermarkets where raw meat and live fish helped to give a very visceral experience (in a bad way).
3.) I'm an idiot because I resorted to online dating too early. I didn't have the courage to ask women out in my 20's so I used online forum to set up dates, which I now understand to be fear of rejection. It all worked out in the end, but I doubt that those online dates in between of meeting women I barely knew and had no background on enhanced my ability to understand women better or be a better husband. They were just a way to spend Friday night and spend money at a decent restaurant that I could have allocated better.
4.) I am an idiot because I went out running in a 90+ degree heat wave, something not exclusive to our location but applies throughout the US. I didn't get Covid-19 but I did almost get dehydrated. Yet another reason to stay indoors this summer (and gives more ammunition to anti-maskers for not wearing a mask because it's uncomfortable and can't breathe). As much as I'm an idiot for doing certain things, there are definitely people in America more idiotic than me who swear off wearing masks or socially distancing who are convinced that Covid-19 is a hoax. America is definitely a ripe hotbed of Covid not only because of the dense population cities in large cities but because of the pervasive use of smartphones by people who think they are smart and have everything they need, don't trust the news, don't trust other people telling them what to do, and are convinced they are right all the time. Not a good combination to have in any situation but especially dangerous in trying to combat a disease that feeds on that distrust, nonchalance, and know-it-all attitude, whereas a more shall we say cooperative society and less petulant, who follow directions from trusted leaders, would have been able to stop this virus already through the use of masks and disciplined measures.
5.) I am an idiot because I didn't start a Youtube channel in an era where attention and content is increasingly becoming personal and has increasing value. People don't need the major news networks or entertainment networks anymore now that anyone can put anything on their own channel, and a lot of personal channels have just as good content from editing as the most organized networks. Jomboy is a baseball Youtuber who was instrumental in uncovering the Houston Astros cheating scandal last year, Talk to Me in Korean uses its Youtube channel to get a following for their Korean learning websites (they're just fun to watch), all of my favorite past times like watching Survivor, Game of Thrones, and UFC and Japanese dramas all have some Youtubers dedicated to commenting on them.....it's definitely become a mainstream activity, and I just never got into it to establish a following. Probably not too late as any quality content is appreciated, but the time and energy required probably necessitates taking off from my full-time job, which I am not willing to do yet.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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