As it's officially now been 3 semesters since I last took a class at Oregon State University's Online Computer Science program, I would have to re-apply to their program to get back on track to earning a B.S. in Computer Science. In short, I've failed at achieving my goal. It's at these times that I feel incompetent compared to other people, weak in that other people can do something that I can't. I can take a bit of solace that my brain just isn't equipped to do something like computer science, and at least I tried to get through the first class of the major: CS161, Intro to Programming. I made my first computer program, "HELLO WORLD!," did loops and if-statements, and then when we hit arrays and pointers I hit the skids, and when we have to design our own programs with all of these concepts together was when I really a handle on the class and realized how incompetent I was.......how I passed the class with a C+ was just a testament to me taking the quizzes and doing all the other assignments that were in the book, getting the free points. That's always how it's been with me: I can understand what's in a book, get the material, and then figure out what it all means eventually, but putting those concepts to use on my own, like stop reading the instruction manual to repair a bike and actually do it, that's when I've always had some problems. (Maybe I have a learning disability or like in the movies I'm only using 10% of my brain and haven't unlocked the other 90%?)
In junior high and even into high school I thought I was so superior to everyone, being able to get A's and do well on the SAT's. Even then I think I knew I wasn't that smart as there were tons of people smarter than me who didn't care about the grades (a sign in itself that they were indeed smarter than me), and the one chink in my armor (a B in Calculus BC) showed where I was weak: when it came to really haven't to grasp difficult concepts and move on to the next level, I couldn't switch it on like others could. Tell me to read a history chapter and summarize its contents, read an SAT question and figure out the right answer, those were easy tasks that required just applying oneself, I could continuously do that no problem, kind of like studying languages nowadays, they are long-but-easy tasks, as opposed to short-but-difficult tasks.
I can understand now why some people give up on what I thought were easy questions when studying for the SAT's: their minds didn't work the way mine did, just like mine doesn't work the way computer scientists do .It's much more difficult for some people to figure it out than others.
I feel very alone and prone to failure, as my one calling card that other people used to have- being "smart," is not really something I possess.....I'm not really that smart. And I'm not that athletic, I'm not that good-looking, I'm not that funny, I don't sing very well, I play violin at an amateur level.......what is it in this world that I am good at? It makes me wonder and feel inadequate, incompetent, insignificant. I berate myself for thinking that other people were incompetent before. I often feel afraid during a conversation with smarter people than me that I will be exposed as a fraud who isn't actually very smart. I used to scold my sister for not getting questions I thought were easy, but even then I sympathized with her a bit when my parents wondered why she couldn't get good grades "like her brother" little did they know that "her brother" wasn't even that smart and was faking it the whole time!.........some people's brains just don't work like that, and as an adult I realize I am not exactly killing it out there neither.
Luckily, what I can do is maximize what I do possess, and one of the few skills I possess is being able to adapt to situations quickly.......and I have a lovely wife who's smarter than me, so.......that's a start.
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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