Reconciliation (仲直り)

Reconciliation is a pretty important concept in any language, and the Japanese have a special word for it as well: 仲直り, (nakanaori), or literally "curing the relationship." 

It's never easy to reconcile with a friend, because consider the circumstances: 2 people meet, they realize they have a lot in common, they begin a friendship, and somewhere along the way something causes a rift: liking the same guy, an argument, money issues, not hanging out enough, taking the other one for granted, etc. Usually both parties feel that the other did something wrong. Before reconciling, one faces all sorts of obstacles: does the other person even want to reconcile, am I still upset about things that caused a breakup, why do I have to make the first move, whose fault is it really (sometimes it's no one's fault!), how much is this friendship worth to me, if I do offer a truth, will the other person totally reject it and make me feel dumb for doing it? All of these cross one's mind before actively trying to nakanaori. 


In 2015, I reconciled with 2 important people in my life, in different ways. I was very close to these 2 in different ways before something happened to split us apart, and it was very uncomfortable for a long time. A lot of confusion, a lot of regret about how it got to such an untenable situation in the first place, a little anger at the other person, but ultimately, the overwhelming wish that things would just go back to the way they were. It's important sometimes that the rift occurs for a friendship because it identifies certain problems in the relationship, or a misunderstanding, or something that's defective about the relationship. This flaw is sometimes insurmountable, which causes some friendships to dissolve. The Saion Uma (silver lining) to these rifts, though, is if you re-establish them, you realize that the relationship is stronger than the rift that happened, and in a classic "whatever kills you only makes you stronger" sort of way, even possibly strengthens the relationship. That's why Nakanaori is so important: the 2 options are to 1.) let a healthy relationship crumble and become nothing like it never happened, or 2.) re-establish an even stronger relationship that is even better than it was before the rift. 

I've been lucky enough that the people I associate with were open to the reconciliation, and when I made an effort on my end they also reciprocated. I think most people's situations are similar to mine: Friends naturally want to get along again, but just don't know when or how to do it. So next time I think the lesson is, if you're thinking about reconciling, go for it: it's worth it. 

Fantasize on, 

Robert Yan