Currently reading Aziz Ansari's book "Modern Romance" (or rather, listening to it on Audiobook, in which Aziz himself reads but shames the readers who would forgo the print version) about dating in the modern era. Very informative, very relatable for me because I'm in the right target audience for the book: 20-to-30-year-olds in Middle Class America who are experiencing the evolution of online dating, texting, and otehr new inventions in the world of finding love in the world we live in today.
Aziz's book has a lot of funny stories mostly generated by awkward situations related to dating, like bad texts, bad first dates, and bad social experiments that preyed on those who were looking for romance (they did a study on a crickety bridge where an attractive woman went up to single men and left her phone number, to see if more men would call the attractive woman if on a harrowing, swinging bridge than not). What I've summarized about Aziz's experience is that there's a lot of things that can go wrong during dating, but it's only natural because it's the most naturally awkward experience of our lives: we're basically going from being on our own and totally single to meeting someone who could potentially be the person we spend the rest of our lives with, (barring divorce) and finding one's soulmate. I mean of course things can go wrong, there's so much on the line and people have to deal with other people and emotion: that's tough. In almost every life conversation or interaction we have, we don't have to be too emotional: tell the barista what kind of coffee you want, give the valet your keys, say hello to your co-workers, email a bunch of clients, even address the judge in open court. But talking to a potential romantic partner requires not offending, not jumping in too quick, not hurting someone intentionally, not hurting someone unintentionally, deciding if you're interested or not, deciding if they're interested or not, so many different variables. It doesn't help that everyone wants to know who your partner is, and "oh that's so cute" or "wow he's so handsome!" so many societal pressures related to this. It's not an easy search, and most people have have bumps in the road. I list here some of mine.
1.) I met a girl one time in orchestra and went on a couple dates, one of which was postponed because she couldn't get out of work on Friday afternoon and texted me multiple times saying she was late, then finally just having to cancel. She was very apologetic, and I understood, but then later she asked me to play violin with her at a wedding. I went to the wedding where I knew NO ONE and played music for 2 hours. It was pretty embarrassing, and I don't think I did very well. The bride and groom nor anyone from the wedding gave me any recognition, so I was just so embarrassed I just left and let my date take the money that was supposedly due for the session. That was the last time I saw her.
2.) I went on a couple dates with a girl who asked me where I lived. At the time I was still living in Hollywood Hills but was planning to move to downtown, so to save time I said downtown at (name of building complex), without explaining that I hadn't actually moved in there yet. Everything else went well, and the next date she asked me casually again if I lived in (certain building complex), and whereas I should have explained myself there, for some reason to stay consistent I just confirmed that fact. After the date she said she didn't see us being more than friends, which possibly was due to lack of chemistry, etc., but I always wonder if she was just testing me and if she had looked up where exactly I lived or all the current residents at (name of building complex). Bottom line: Don't lie, or at least lie about stupid things and not clear up information.
3.) I went on a date instead of a dodgeball tournament that I was thinking about going to. I went to the date, spent $40.00 for brunch, the date never responded back, I missed the dodgeball tournament. I never skip things I like (e.g. dodgeball tournaments) for dates ever again.
4.) I met a date in Las Vegas and met up with her friends to go to this place called the Grand Canyon Overlook (a nice scenic place). I didn't know it was so expensive, like $70.00 a person. I offered to pay for me and my date, which makes sense, but somehow my Chinese was interpreted to mean I was offering to pay for the date's friends too (2 other people) and I ended up, to look like a gentleman, paying the whole bill. I went on a bunch of dates with this girl, but ultimately her taking for granted my paying for the bill became an issue. (not that I'm cheap or couldn't afford it, but I don't like being taken advantage of). Lesson: don't be too gentlemanly, or at least address those issues early on.
5.) I once committed to a trip to Utah with my friend and her husband, PLUS their friend from China who I had been talking to online. I thought it might to meet and possibly see if we could have a connection. The friend was cordially but was not open to any time of romantic interest, and immediately upon the first day was evident she was NOT interested. I spent the rest of the weekend just trying to have fun, but not really.
Lesson: get your relationship straight before committing to a 3-day weekend, or at least commit to something that you're gonna have fun otherwise.
6.) My first try at online dating, I got a question from a girl I had been responding back and forth with asking "If you don't mind me asking, why does your profile say you're OK with girls 24-30?" ( I was 27 at the time). I don't remember my exact answer, but I said something to the effect of "I like to keep an open mind" and she immediately told me we should stop talking, because "(online dating site) serves different purposes for different people." I probably shouldn't have used the "open" word I guess (indicating wanting to hook up or not being serious). Lesson: just say as little as possible in the online dialogue and just ask to meet in person.
7.) I once went on a date in REDLANDS, CA, ( I work in downtown) and drove 2 hours after work to Redlands for dinner. It was an OK conversation, but afterwards she said she wasn't interested. That's a FOUR-HOUR commitment in driving alone for a first date. Not worth it; should have insisted on meeting her halfway.
8.) Lesson about inter-office relationships: (社内恋愛): Probably not the best idea. Certainly tempting, but the consequences of it not working out probably outweigh the chance it does.
Looking back on it, all of these experiences seem kind of silly in retrospect, but I did think a lot about it afterwards and have really summed up a lot of my experiences, and can say confidentally I'm a lot more knowledgable and less likely to make big mistakes in the future. Which is good, cuz I'm getting back out into the dating world again! (gulp).
Fantasize on,
Robert Yan
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