Parenthood (親子関係, 어버이의 신분, 父母)

No TV show or movie has ever depicted the first 2 weeks of parenthood as it really is. Sure, they get the first moments after the birth when the screaming baby is delivered into her mother's waiting arms and the family is overjoyed by meeting the baby (or just relieved after many hours of labor for the mother), that's the exciting part. The mundane, unsexy part that they skip over in the movies and suddenly the baby is 2 years old or something, is the part AFTER those first moments, when they deliver the baby and then....life as a parent begins. I thought there would be some sort of waiting period, something akin to the movies where the babies are taken to a room with all other babies and parents go see the babies through the glass and point out which one is theirs (I'd think it's actually hard to tell because many babies look similar and you've barely seen the baby at that point to know what he/she looks like), but nope, for us the baby was given to us to hold, the doctors and pediatric team left the operating room, we were ushered out to clear up for the next patient, and suddenly we were in the recovery room just the three of us, with 2 of us having no experience whatsoever on how to take care of the third. MJ and I were ready for the first several weeks of childbirth to be hard, having heard from family, friends, Reddit posts, Youtube videos, and parenting books I bought from the library from a different century (before 2000), but the real thing hits hard, especially when you're ALREADY sleep deprived. We'd luckily been able to sleep amply the last few weeks before baby, average being 8 or 9 hours a night so we had banked quite a lot of rest equity, but the night before the delivery we slept just 4 hours (I know, new parents are rolling their eyes now going, that's A LOT) but what with the adrenaline of seeing our new baby, moving into a new environment, and everything being new, I was exhausted already and we were on DAY ZERO of parenting. (Somehow MJ and I did manage to watch Jeopardy that night though). Parenthood, unlike the joyous crying and fulfillment seen in films, is a grind, always being on call for the baby's needs, not sure when it's going to happen or where it's going to happen (could be poop, could be crying for food) but it's dedicating your life 24/7 to something that henceforth you hadn't dedicated to. It's not the "toughest" thing or anything, our baby weighted just over 6 pounds and wasn't hard to carry around, but it's just the constant grind of always having to be there, she's the center of attention, the priority that you have to drop everything for, that's definitely new, which makes sense why parents kept telling me "say goodbye to your previous life." O man my previous life was just a wonderland of free time before this, other than my job, food, and some daily necessities I could do anything; now my schedule is booked up from 8AM to.......well, 8AM. Babies don't have sleep patterns, they don't care about your sleep patterns, and they don't care about day and night. It's a lot of "rinse and repeat."- wake her up, change her diaper, feed her until she's full, burp the baby, hold the baby until she falls asleep.....until she wakes up, and then the cycle starts again. There are no breaks; you cannot call a timeout on parenthood, there are no sabbaticals, winter hiatuses, even bathroom breaks are risky because baby might just choose that time to launch an emergency. It's the full-time version of a full-time job. It's FULL time, like 100% of your time. Well, with some exceptions. Luckily MJ planned ahead and hired a post-partum doula, and after getting back to the hospital our doula cooked meals and watched baby overnight while I could sleep (MJ still has to do breast pumping). A HUGE relief because I was reaching the end of my patience and stamina and adrenaline; those were only carrying me so far until I just collapsed. Now I'm back to my normal schedule of sleep! Yay for me! But also the doula won't be here forever and happy days won't last forever; the witching hour weeks (baby getting fuzzy for no reason) are approaching and the doula is leaving, something I'm really dreading but will be here in a flash. It's like the beginning of the movie, MJ and I have survived the opening rush onto the beaches of Normandy in Saving Private Ryan, but now the real battle begins that we're probably not ready for. If TV and movies were misleading in depciting parenthood for the first 2 weeks (that it zooms by and suddenly your baby is all grown up! Spoiler alert: they don't, the days are long and the years are short, as they say) then they probably REALLY glossed over weeks 2 through 8, trying to establish a sleep schedule and stick with it. THEY REALLY didn't want to show that, really unsexy and just a mundane grind. Fun stuff!

Long Day's Journey into Night

Long Day's Journey Into Night is widely acknowledged as playwright Eugene O'Neill's Magnum Opus premiered in 1956, about a day in the life of a dysfunctional family in Connecticut dealing with various family trauma, but as far as I'm concerned it's the day MJ and our welcomed our baby Yan into the world December 12, 2025. Alternate title: The Longest Day (a film in a totally different genre about D-Day). It started really early in the morning at 5AM when MJ and I set out sleepy-eyed from our home, leaving as a couple but coming home a family. The next few days were a complete blur, with a range of emotions from nervous about meeting the anesthesia doctor who explained the various options available for inserting a spinal block to block out the pain, to being relieved everything was going forward and we would be moving ahead, to waiting for baited breath for hearing our baby coming out of MJ's stomach (wanting that telltale sign of life of baby crying) to elation when finally seeing the baby come through and see us for the first time through the screen (because doctors were still operating on the other side of the screen to stitch MJ up), to getting to touch the baby and being with her, to quiet satisfaction of getting baby back immediately after the pediatrics department was done inspecting her because her APGAR score was high enough to avoid the ICU, to the sudden shock of knowing, "oh shoot parenthood just started" and realizing I was only going on 4 hours sleep, and we were just getting started with the sleep deprivation. Taking care of a newborn is not hard in the sense of "oh shoot rocket science" hard in that most everything is pretty intuitive and just getting tasks done, but the number of things to watch out for and keep in mind and juggle at the same time is hard, especially for the first day when mom just got done with major surgery (if C-section) or gone through labor (if natural) and isn't exactly 100%, and baby could have a number of different things that aren't typical or prevent him/her from eating, or pooping, or sleeping. There's also trying to get breastfeeding done, and learning the delicate art of changing diapers, wiping butt over and over again, checking out the color of the poop to make sure it's right......and if delivering at the hospital like most people do, the endless turnstile of nurses and doctors and hospital administrators coming in to check on the baby. Most of these people are just doing their job and following hospital protocol, but it certainly gets to be a little tedious while in the room to repeat the same answers all the time and check vital signs for the umpteenth time, despite all of the other vital sign readings being very normal and not showing anything concerning. It's a wonder how anybody ever gets any sleep at the hospital, what with the interruptions but also the uncomfortable patient bed that MJ had and a small cot in the corner resembling a footstool more than a couch for me. Oh and always watching the baby. We had some great nurses the first couple days that facilitated the process and answered a lot of questions as well as changed some diapers for us, but I completely understand why some parents want to get out of the hospital as soon as hospital (they do have good lactation experts to help get the breastfeeding process started, and MJ was able to get a bunch of good tips from it.....and the view outside of the hospital room was decent.....it snowed one night, almost to signfiy our Christmas winter miracle! One pet peeve I had was how everyone was trained to say "Congratulations!" upon seeing us even if it was just to take our vital signs. Yes, it's fine to recognize the joyous occasion, but when everyone says it as a matter of routine almost like they've been trained to do it out of obligation, the "Congratulations" loses a bit of meaning, like "Thank you" has in many situations. But enough complaining, now we're parents! It's a wonderful feeling. Baby Girl Yan is everything we could hope for and more. She eats well, poops well, sleeps well, cries but stops crying after predictable remedies to her crying (usually she's hungry) and even smiled on one of the first days. If this is what parenthood is like the whole time, sign me up!- I say naively as we're only barely through the first week and more dangerous times lurk ahead. But we passed one checkpoint: survived the first week of parenthood! (just barely, as some of those long journeys into night the first couple days were not greeted with life-giving, joyous sleep at night, more like continuous monitoring of baby to see if she was hungry or pooped). Those first nights in the hospital were some of the most difficult days just from a sleep deprivatino standpoint I've ever had, sleep deficit compounding like interest into the next night until my body couldn't compensate anymore and got cranky. Both MJ and I were really at wick's end towards the end. And we haven't even talked about the hospital food yet! (TL;DR: it wasn't that bad, but predicatibly plain and surprisingly small quantity).

Cat's in the Cradle

In my unending education about American popular songs, I learned that the song "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin (kind of a one-hit wonder singer) is not about a literal cat in an actual cradle, it's about the narrator's son, who he is there for the birth of, but then doesn't spend enough time with the son, always priortizing another activities like work, personal enjoyment, etc., and he promises his son that one he retires he'll spend more time with his son, but one that day arrives his son doesn't want anything to do with dad and instead spends time with his own son, but also prioritzes work and other endeavors, and the cycle continues. Sad story and a cautionary tale about not letting the days with your children go by; tomorrow will the beginning of the rest of my life with my daughter in the new life, and I'll make sure to give as much time as needed to my little cat in the cradle. When asked how I feel about becoming a dad, I usually give an enthusiastic, optimistic response, mostly because I am pretty optimistic and love the thought of having a child, but of course there's doubts about what I will be like as a dad, how much of a time commitment it is, what the future of the world is like. Am I really giving the baby a good chance at at a good life? Some of MJ's friends might disagree. Today on the local light rail I saw two grown adults arguing, both in the wrong. One wanted the other to turn her phone down so the rest of the train couldnt' hear the noise, but she asked not to be harassed and refused to turn it off. On the one hand the request wasn't unreasonable, but requestor shouldn't have such high expectations on a free local city light rail that allows anyone with a pulse to get on; it's not like he's riding first class on Amtrak or anything. On the other hand, the lady could just turn it down a little bit and try to accommodate, or move to a different seat, or explain gently why she didn't want to do that, she had a tough day, etc. Either of them could have moved to a different seat. Nope, none of them did that; both stood their ground and it became apparent they were expending more energy arguing than what it would have taken to just avoid the situation. It became an ego thing, as is often the case with any conflict between human beings. The 2 dichotomoies of life: Today my boss, a great compassionate person who often happens to be a lawyer, approved a SECOND bonus this year to me and asked if I wanted it to go to my 401K. The 401K is good for deferring taxes until later but implies I can't use the money until I'm 59.5 years old, which seemed far away before but now I realize I'm as close to age 17.5 as I am to age 59.5. That's pretty scary. Are 401K's even going to be around in 21 years? Is money going to be around? Are human beings going to be around? On a day when President Trump signed an executive order to curb states' ability to limit AI (probably because he's friends with all the top AI tech people like Jensen Huang) ensuring that humanity is one step closer to being taken over by the robots, I am increasingly anxious about the world that I'm bringing our baby into. MJ made the comparison to the Truman show when Truman finds out about the truth (spoiler alert) about the TV show that he's on and wants to go into the real world, "It's scary in the real world." The real world has so many people like the 2 people on the train, the human species is really really good in some ways but also really really bad in some ways, it's really a cat's cradle (meaning complicated world). Some might choose not to come into the world if they could. So yes, in conclusion, I am very anxious about what the rest of my life is like with baby. This is much more drastic than Day 1 of Law school or Day 1 of a new job; I can always quit either of those if I really need to. There's no quitting parenthood; it's permanent and forever, for better or worse. Everything I've experienced in life says it can be for better, leading a healthy, lucky, loving life (our baby is going to be Friday's child, who is supposed to be loving and giving)....and I for now have enough confidence that I can provide enough support for her even if it isn't. Cat's in the cradle!

Rage Bait

December is the month when all of the year-end lists come out including "Google Year in Review," Best songs of the year, Best movies of the year, Time's Person of the Year (last year it was Taylor Swift, not sure how they can top that), but one category I've become more interested in over the years is the Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year, as it reflects the current zeitgeist and trends of our times. 2021 was especially appropriate with the term "vax" standing for all the Covid vaccinations everyone did throughout the year, and I really look back to 2021 as the beginning of the end of Covid. Since that generally positive word of the year, though, the words have generally trended in a downward direction, with 2022 being "goblin mode," which surprisingly didn't catch on as a way to say giving up social norms and just acting sloppy, lazy, self-indulgent (I know a few people who went goblin mode for sure, including myself to a degree who stopped wearing adult clothing and just lounges around at home in casual wear every day), 2023 was "rizz" which in itself is not negative but just makes me the word-snob cringe about how we're making words out of shortened forms of better words, "rizz" being from charisma. Charisma is actually a very well-reasoned word, with ancient Greek roots, and rolls off the tongue. Why don't we just bring the word "charisma" back into popular usage instead of coining a nonsense term that means the same thing but just gives certain people the chance to sound cool and hip to the new lingo? "Rizz" reminds me of middle school and high school when everyone was desperately trying to fit in and be part of the cool crowd or at least sound like the cool crowd by knowing things that other people didn't, even if it was nonsense words or inane gossip. Because you knew it and others didn't, somehow that made you more desirable or popular. It was a rat race that I never signed up for but I see even more in adult society (High school never ends!) And sadly rizz has stuck, it's part of the culture now, just like "6-7" did, which I'm frankly surprised isn't the word of the year for 2025. The word for 2024 was "brain-rot" which actually is an effective description of what's happening to society, so I support the invention of this word, but it's negative in the sense it points to a bleaker future, and makes me apprehensive about bringing our baby girl into the world: The first few years of life are the brain's most important developmental years, and we want to put off the brain rot as long as possible, but how long can that be for n today's society of nonsense videos and social media becoming the equivalent of junk food for our brains? As technology gets smarter and smarter, human brains are getting dumber, an insidious inverse proportion that we seem powerless to stop. I was just reading today another article about how colleges are having a lot of trouble right now, and I get it: why are students paying up for ever-increasing school tuition while the potential value of those degrees from college are ever decreasing due to the rise of AI? Is it better for a student's future to be spending it in liberal arts programs at expensive private universities or getting a trade school education to specialize in some expertise that is less prone to AI taking over? MJ wants our baby to eventually go to a top college, but that seems a little short-sighted and not looking out towards what will happen in 18 years, how the whole college process will even look like in 18 years. If you believe in the AI reckoning that some are championing (in fact, the odds-on favorite for 2025's Time Person of the Year is AI, or someone who is the face of AI like Jensen Huang), I'm not sure how colleges can survive in that environment where AI are doing 90% of the jobs.......isn't college mostly for training students to get a job? What happens when there are no jobs to get? Is college just a gathering place for young people of a certain age? In that case, I don't see why students can't just meet up or join groups instead of commit themselves to a lifetime of debt going to a four-year university. Anyway, the 2025 Word of the Year is.....rage bait. I feel like this word is a bit behind the times as this type of activity has been going on for years in the form of trolling, "flame wars," or just being mean in general online, and many Youtubers/online content creators/professional trolls/even legitimate business have found out it's a good business model: people will click when they feel strong emotions, whether it's happy, sad, angry, scared......any of these will get clicks, and rage has stood out as the one that people are capitalizing on. All the moderate posts and thought-out articles that give both sides of arguments (the ones I like to hear) are replaced or at least outshone by rage clickbaity titles online, and in that way it's a cycle of making the most infuriating articles and radical titles to articles the most clicked on and the "popular" opinion. It's again like high school where the most popular win out, not necessarily the most truthful, the most well reasoned, well researched, or best. Just the most rage-inducing (usually hateful, victim-blaming, hostility-inciting). "Rage bait" won out over "aura farming" - neutral word, kind of interest, and biohacking, a positive word which MJ and I have tried to do, hack by own biology and how my body works to get better outcomes. One biohack I learnd this year: blood sugar tips for sleeping through the night: I can't give in to the hunger at night and feed it food to lower my blood sugar and get back to sleep, I have to train myself not to expect sugar and go back to sleep naturally, without a sugar rush, otherwise I will constantly wake up in the middle of the night expecting it. Maybe a good lesson for baby's sleep training!